Are we defined by our sexual organs?
In my mind, I defined myself as a female with a sexual organ called the 'vagina'. I really did not understand what the real meaning of a female is, so i copied my mom. I saw my mom is also female because she has a vagina. I knew that was so because she gave birth to me through that organ, and that she also wears panty. So, I copied what she did. I copied the way she presents herself, her actions, words, wear panties etc. then i gave it my own twists here and there and that is how i defined myself as a unique individual female separate from the male.
I saw a male as someone who i defined as having a 'penis', wearing briefs. I know my father was a man wear briefs and everyone around me says he is a male - so i believed what they say and do as true. I saw him as a male.
A female is usually defined by what makes her different from a male in society. I hear people talking about females bearing children and males financially supporting them. This is how i conditioned myself to believe that this is my role as a female - so i did fulfill the role of a female in society - without questioning why.
I was conditioned to believe that I am separate from a male because I have a sexual organ that is different from a male - called by the name 'vagina' for females and 'penis' for males.
I believed that I have a purpose to fulfill as a female. This social definition laid the foundation for how I lived my life.
I felt i was manipulating myself to fit into a box that i am not comfortable in because i really do not know who i am in relation to my gender - yet i accepted the role for fear that i will be an outcast.
I conditioned myself to believe that this is my purpose as a female. I looked at how others around me and others before me lived and I copied them.
I saw that my mom (and other females) wore a dress, so i wore a dress
I saw that my mom wore lipstick, so i wore lipstick
I saw that my mom brings a bag with her when she goes out so I did the same.
I reasoned that life must be about a happy marriage between the two - the male and female. The male can appreciate my dress etc. & i can appreciate or thank them (males) for financially supporting me, Then we can help each other out and have a family. I also defined love in these terms,
I saw bearing children as a show of love.
I defined successes as me the female being able to be married with a man who will support me financially believing that that was what my ancestors did, so that was okay. I believed our successes combined in terms of the females bearing children & the males providing finance for all of us females in the clan - is what life is about.
This was how i saw the world based on how my parents & grandparents saw the world to be.
Is this all there is to life?
Am i here to live the lives of my ancestors?
I felt uneasy living this limited definition of myself.As i was living this way, there's this hole in my heart that keeps growing daily. I felt that if this is not the truth, i owe it to myself , my children and my children's children to find out the truth and expos the lie so that we can change ourselves and change the world.
There is no commonsense in living the life of my ancestors because that will be going in the past and that will be robotic. It is not changing the very fabric of the gene pool. What is commonsensical for me is to look at my life, identify the problems & correct them.
I wanted to redefine the word 'gender' for myself so i can have a definition i can relate to and correct the way i live as a female - as equal to a male. Then i can re-purpose & build a life that is not only meant for me & my family to survive (as what my ancestors did ) but a life that will be beneficial for all - as BHOE living.
It was when i started investigating words - redefining words, that I realized the importance of the meaning I give words.
A female being defined according to her sex organ & according to whether or not she is able to bear a child sets a limit in the way we see & express ourselves as females or as males.
I used this in the past as a way to manipulate the relationship i was in. In our culture, the man's role is to support the female by marrying her & bearing children - so I used this to my advantage.
It started with me, as the female being attracted to the male - based on what i do not have that i like to have. I picked a partner who has white skin (i have brown skin), intelligent in subjects I judged myself as not (trigonometry & algebra) and having a family that i believed has more financial capability than mine. I saw myself as inferior to him in terms of my skin, intelligence & financial capability . So, i reasoned that if i marry this guy, people will see us as complimentary individuals that have come together in marriage and will be able for me to raise my personal value based on who I married
What i did was to take him in my life - as my boyfriend, to give myself that which i did not have and then married him so that I will have him - and his aptitude in math (and presented it as if it was mine because he married me) forever.
That does not make sense though. What makes sense is for me to give myself what i needed - by looking at math and what it is about. I cannot be a thief taking his math aptitude away from him (in my mind). I cannot be a mind thief. That is not wha love is about. That is fuzzy logic. That does not compute. But that was what happened. I thought that that was what love was about.
Now i see Math as 1+1 = 2, meaning we need to develop a way where we can provide for not only our own survival but all of us here on earth.
Love is Life. It is not about one person (me) having a partner that I believe has characteristics that will add to mine that will add to my personal value.
Love is about standing for bridging or creating a world where all can live in dignity, in a world where poverty does not exist and all bodies - both male and female (as biological structures) are being used to express to ones utmost potential.
Gender becomes a social problem when we use the physical body to act out our fears in terms of the limits we associated the body with - as the social restriction & social conditioning that limits our expression.
I believed i have to be inferior to men to survive in the society. I believed I cannot be myself living equal to a man and i had reasons as excuses and justifications but that is not really who i am. That is based on my beliefs & social conditioning.
I can see what needs to be corrected here and how i should change within how i live so that there can be personal change in these aspects.
I am expressing myself when I act, speak & dance. I find I can express myself - as the male body or the female body with unlimited expressions of each or both, when I move .
So, rather than live a purpose that is based on biological differences and cultural conditioning, defined by others based on fear of survival, I realize i can live a purpose that i designed based on what will benefit all - as beings, transcending gender boundaries imposed through social conditioning & bridge a healthy haven on earth starting with changing my beliefs about survival. I can establish my own business and earn money not only to support myself to survive but launch BHOE projects as well. The challenges are many but i am here as the breath, so i am opening doors - unleashing my optimum potential as i walk this journey.
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