The Story of Nature, Rice, Banana Leaf, The Elephant, Jesus, Mahjong and Me Day 156 Happiness Charcter '

 

Me, The Elephant, Nature Rice, Banana Leaf, Jesus and Mahjong 

The Elephant

 http://juneroca.com/animals/5556-2/ 

Other Journey To Life  Blogs  

Creation, Heaven, Earth

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About Writing/Blogging

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Store

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SELF-FORGIVENESS

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References:

My 21 Days Breathing

Daily Blogs

http://juneroca.com/my-process/the-21-days-breathing/

The 'Late' Character Blogs:

http://juneroca.com/my-process/the-late-character/

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I connected the word nature to a positive experience of having vacations and picnics in nature in the blog before this, so in this blog i am doing self-forgiveness for that  - where when i was doing the self-forgiveness in the first part of this blog - the mind character's narrative unfolded - showing me all the characters i have become - connected to this character including how i created the world system 'without' within my participation in my mind 'within'.

 I will direct this narrative in my next blogs using writing, self-forgiveness and self-commitment to correct myself for existing as these characters- and walk out of the noise these characters make within/as my mind - to hear what is here and birth me here as life breath by breath moment by moment.

The Story

Mind Character's Narrative

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect nature to a positive energy experience - within/as my relationship to my mind as the 'happiness' character - coming from my fear of having a difficult life - defining myself within the 'fear of difficult life - sad -desiring happiness' character - where i fear being very poor - defining myself within the 'fear of being poor - no picnics - sad - desiring happiness' character - so cannot have money to attend and buy food to eat in picnics - defining myself within the 'fear of having no money to buy food -for picnics - sadness- desiring happiness' character - believing that when i do not have money i am not able to have picnics with family and friends - defining myself within 'fear of not having fun with family and friends - sad -desiring happiness' character - where i desire the positive energy experience of having an 'easy-go-lucky' life - defining myself within the ' happy - go lucky - desiring happiness' character - desiring to have money to contribute to family picnics - defining myself within the 'working to have money for picnics - desiring happiness' character - desiring a 'fun', happy life - defining myself within the 'money and picnic and  fun - desiring happiness' character-

where i have a memory of family and friends gathering together -eating with our hands - defining myself within the 'food eating with hands -  happiness' character - and eating food on a banana leaf - defining myself within the 'food on banana leaf - happiness' character-where the smell of rice cooked in banana leaf - draws me to eat it - defining myself within the 'rice cooked in banana leaf - desire for food - happiness' character -  where  i desire a positive energy experience - out of eating cooked rice with grilled fish called 'rellenong bangus' which is milk fish stuffed with tomatoes and onions grilled on charcoal - defining myself within the 'desire for grilled rellenong bangus - food - happiness' character - and the 'daing na bangus' or 'fried pickled milkfish' in English - where i imagine the taste and the smell of it within/as my mind and having the picture of it within/as my mind - defining myself within the 'desire for daing na bangus - food - happiness' character  where the desire to go for a picnic with family and relatives is all about that positive energy experience - defining myself within the 'desire for picnics - food- happiness' character - which i created within /as my mind - in an alternate reality - as an alternate version of me - in my relationship to the mind within and

laughing and joking with each other - defining myself within the 'laughter and jokes - happiness' character playing mahjong - defining myself within the 'playing mahjong with family - happiness' character -

 

 using mahjong set made from ivory - defining myself within the 'ivory mahjong set- elephant cruelty - happiness' character -

where i did not look at where the ivory mahjong set we were using to have fun came from

   

- thinking if we paid for it - so we have the right to own it - within self-interest - and get a positive energy experience by playing it - not realizing the harm that was inflicted on the elephant when the tusks was removed from its body - where i did not see realise and understand that the tusks was forcibly taken from the elephant - by humans like me - who is also desiring a positive energy experience - within self-interest believing - just like me that 'I am me and I own me' - not realizing i am trapped as the character perceiving myself separate from all - believing 'I have the right to be happy' - defining myself within the 'I own me - i have the right to be happy - individual' character - not seeing and realising that the tusks of the elephant and the bones of humans are made from the same substance all are made of -that the body of the elephant and the body of humans are made from the same substance all are made of - it is made from the substance the plants are made of - the substance the earth is made of - equal and one!- and within that seeing - write, self-forgive oneself and correct oneself breath by breath moment by moment for what one has done, wrote or said where one accepted and allowed self-interest to be the driving force in one's life - being driven by energy - as desire for a positive experience rather than directing oneself to be in alignment to the principle of life - ONENESS and EQUALITY as ALL LIFE.

 

- and let's have a look at my desire for a positive energy experience for playing mahjong with my friends and family - wanting to win to have easy money - so i can give my family and friends money - defining myself within the 'desire to make my family happy by giving money - happiness' character - which we call in Filipino, 'balato' - where in doing that and when they say 'thank you' to me - and pat my back and smile and say 'you are so nice', or in the Filipino language, 'ang bait bait mo, binalatuhan mo ako' and announce it to every family member - i have the idea that 'i am special and popular' - defining myself within the 'desire to be special and popular - happiness' character

so the desire to win - believing that when i give money when i win to family and friends i will become happy - so i fear of losing - defining myself within the 'fear of losing money - no money to give family - sadness' character - fearing not being popular and special - where the desire to be special -is coming from the fear of being normal - defining myself within the 'i am normal - inferior - sad' character - and the desire to be popular - is coming from the fear of being unpopular -defining myself within the 'unpopular - inferior - sadness' character - and the desire to exist and not stop being the 'mind character that i am or we are -  is coming from fear of not existing as a character - defining myself within the 'fear of not existing as the character within an alternate reality defined by positive experiences' character- where i am living my life in an alternate reality driven by FEAR- and in fact sabotaging WHO I AM as the real character - as the physical - equal to all that exist - as all came from the same substance all are made of  - saying to the elephant - this is who i am - this is what i am - expressing me here unconditionally supporting you as me.

Coming back to this mind character - we can see how i - and all the members of the family plus our friends support each other as all mind characters - to stay as the mind character - as they support me, i support them to be the mind character that they have become

- and so we'll have a look at the 'happiness' character again within winning - as i define myself within the 'desiring to win - help by giving others free money - happiness' character - making others happy - and these mind characters i gave money to -  are playing out the same character in the other end of the 'help' polarity equation - which is the 'desiring to win- lost - help - please give me money - i feel like i won - happiness' character - and when i win a game - everytime i win i give a 'tong' or a part of my winning to the person who owns the house and the mahjong set where the mahjong game is being played - which at that moment is me - as i own the house and the mahjong set that is being used to play mahjong - and so i profit from hosting the game in my house - and in exchange, i give all the players 'good food' - where instead of food being used for sustenance of whatever the body needs to survive - it is used in supporting each other in the 'food for all wanting easy money - food as happiness' game of self-interest - where i saw myself separate from the food i was eating - and ate it from the starting point of desire - for a positive energy experience - defining myself within the 'food when playing mahjong - happiness with family' character - and cooking food from the starting point of desire to please family/relatives - defining myself within the 'desire to please family - cooking food - family happiness' character

within self-interest - as the starting point for having these gathering in my house before is to have a positive energy experience within having the family around - talking and laughing, playing mahjong, eating food and winning money  -not realizing we formed a relationship with the mind 'within' this 'food, money and mahjong 'mahjong-desiring to be happy' game - which is what we play out in our relationship with the world system 'without' - which is mining the earth for food and profit and slaughtering the animals for food and profit  - to be served in parties and gathering of different characters wanting to support each other to stay as the mind character desiring happiness - where the creation of my 'without' started with me, myself and i - with the excuse that we need to have fun and be happy as a family - to forget the fear of pain 'within' and as ourselves - to 'survive' in a world based on inequality - where one has to buy from and sell food to people who cook for people who consume food for the positive energy experience of eating - where through this we form a relationship to the world system 'without' which gives births and supports the FOOD INDUSTRY

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The Peppercorn

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/06/2012-me-marinara-sauce-peppercorn-and.html
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Looking back at me having a positive energy experience in playing mahjong using the ivory mahjong set - which i did not look at how much harm we inflict on the elephant having his tusks removed so i can be happy playing mahjong and being famous because i have an expensive mahjong set - defining myself within the 'famous - owns expensive mahjong set - elite' character -  where i learned how to play mahjong with my ex- husband - desiring to do what he does - learning to like what he likes - defining myself within the 'desire to play and learn mahjong because my ex-husband likes to - inferior - happiness' character - where i formed a relationship with the mind 'within' and learned to play mahjong when my ex-husband has desire to play mahjong - and so copying him - defining myself within the  'desire to play mahjong -because my ex- husband like to - copycat' character - so increasing the number of people in this world who form relationships based on the 'desire to be happy' - defining myself within the 'desire to be in a relationship - doing same things together - to support the character - happiness' character- and both of us and our family relatives - defining myself within the ' me as the character supported by the characters in the family and others - happiness' character - form a relationship  to the world system 'without' - where we aligned our both 'within and without to a 'desire for a positive energy experience' - where I, as We, as All create this world - defining myself within the  'i create this world - we create this world ' - monetary system based on inequality as economic world system characters

Where -taking a look at the gaming industry - supported by the 'wanting to win - winning - happiness' character - so here we can see how we create this world system by animating the mind characters that we have become - in the name of the 'fear of difficult life - desiring happiness - sad wanting to win - happiness' character  - within the game of self-interest

And having a look at the game of self-interest, where this is the program that the mind character that i have become - as follows: 
1. Desire for money - defining myself within the 'desire to have money - competition - happiness' character
2. Desire to win - defining myself within the 'desire to win - happiness' chracter
3. Winning and so one becomes popular and loved by everyone- defining myself within the 'i am winning - i am successful -popular - everyone loves me - happiness' character

4. Loves the 'positive energy experience'of being the winner which is also me being popular - defining myself within the 'won - i am popular - happiness' character
4A. Desire to win again -defining myself within the 'desire to win again - winning - going for eternal success as all time winner - happiness' character
5. Loves to give money to those who lost - so one becomes popular - defining myself within the 'giving money to family because i win and you lost - i need you to validate my existence - otherwise i will not exist - happiness' character
6. Money coming from a combination of cotton, silk etc. - coming from the plant on the earth - reaping the earth of its resources - for gambling and profit - defining myself within the 'money from gambling - consuming earth's resources - consuming substance - reaping the earth - happiness' character

Where the fears connected to this is as follows: 

1.Fear of losing money - defining myself within the 'fear of losing money in gambling - instead of gambling - decides to eat tasty food in the food court - happiness' character
2.Fear of not enjoying Las Vegas so eats tasty food in the food court - defining me within the 'gambling is bad - not gambling is good - i don't gamble - i eat good food - desiring happiness'  character 
3.Fear of not knowing who i am and my relationship to everything in this world - so eats - for a positive energy experience -defining me within the 'eating for pleasure -to forget my fears - happiness' character
4. Hates gambling - connected it to what is bad - but tolerates it because family and friends want to gamble - defining me within the 'hate it but they do it - got to do it - if you can't beat them join them - supporting characters - not taking responsibility as self - happiness' world system character
5. Fear of 'not being liked' - so joins the family in going to Las Vegas  to enjoy eating tasty food - defining myself within the 'fear of not being liked - family and friends - what they do is okay even if i do not like it and what i do they okay - family and friends support - happiness' character
6. Eating food coming from the earth - reaping the earth's resources  - consuming substance of life -defining myself within the 'eating food in casinos - gambling - money and profit - reaping the earth - happiness' character 

Where there's - 'desire to exist as the mind character'- defining myself within the 'desire for limitness existence as the mind character- happiness' character - coming from 'fear of not being liked by family - defining myself within the 'fear of not being liked - desiring to be liked - happiness' character - and 'fear of not being supported by family - defining myself within the 'fear of not being supported by family - desire to be supported by family - happiness' character- which is  'fear of not existing' - defining myself within the 'fear of not existing - desire for limitness existence as the character - happiness' character - as the mind character i have become - where i am sabotaging who i am as the real character - as the physical - equal to all that exist - as all came from the same substance all are made of.

 and looking at my fear of - working hard for the money - defining myself within the 'fear working hard for the money - money- sadness' character- having fear of being tired and overworked not having time to unwind - defining myself within the 'tired and overworked - earning money is hard - sadness' character - where i believed that happiness is about vacations, picnics and having fun - defining myself within the 'picnics and vacations - money - happiness' character- so desiring to work in a multilevel business - defining myself within the 'multilevel business - vacation - happiness' character - believing that vacationing and promoting my business while i am having a vacation  is the way i earn easy money - defining myself within the 'easy money - multilevel business happiness' character-



 where winding ('-')and unwinding ('+') the mind is who i have become - limited to the polarity equation - of 'sadness and happiness' - defining myself within the 'fear of sadness - desiring happiness' character - believing that the positive energy experience is who i am - and the negative energy experience is the part of me that is the ego - where i tried to push it away - defining myself within the 'split - i am good and bad - morality' character - because i believed when i was young what i heard from the priest that it was the 'devil nudging me to do that which is bad' - defining myself within the 'devil is responsible - i am bad' character -defining myself within the 'fear of suffering- devil is bad -i don't like hell -so save me Jesus' character


- where i went to Church when i was young as i saw my grandmother going to church - kneeling and praying to Mary - as the 'praying to Mary - i am good - morality - happiness' character and praying to Jesus - defining myself within the 'praying to Jesus - i am good- morality - happiness' character -  so i did the same thing believing she knows what she's doing and i don't - defining myself within the 'i don't know - grandmother knows - authority is superior - i am inferior -happiness' character - where the catholic church has different kinds of saints that i prayed to - depicted within different characters - which i can see now that - we make graven images according to our likeness, lol.

Let's have a look at the Sto. Nino as the child Jesus and the Nazareth as the Jesus on The Cross - where i desire a positive energy experience form the idea of being blessed by both the child Jesus - and the adult Jesus on the cross- believing if i do good - i will go to heaven - defining myself within the 'do good - heaven - happiness' character - believing that Jesus will be blessing me and will get me a place in heaven - defining myself within the 'Jesus and heaven as perfect - happiness' character

and fearing the 'opposite negative energy experience of going to hell '- and meeting the Devil - defining myself within the 'i fear the negative experience of suffering in hot fire forever - hell is bad - morality' character 

and looking at who i have become within work - believing that working without a boss - as working in Multilevel marketing is 'best' - within 'spite' - defining myself within the 'i don't want to work for a boss- spiteful' character - blaming the boss and defining myself within work as who i have become -  defining myself within ' i blame the boss for my suffering' character -believing that 'surviving in a happy- go -lucky, having lots of money, easy life unequal world' - is happiness - defining myself within the 'i am my own boss - lots of money - easy life - money- happiness' character - within self-interest -defining myself within the 'rich and no boss-self-interest - happiness' character - supporting a world system based on inequality - defining myself within the 'i only care about me - i have money - i have car - i have a house - supporting an unequal system - self-interest - happiness ' character

- where i connected not caring about life to 'freedom' - and connected working for a boss to 'control' - believing working in an office working for a boss is being like a 'slave' - defining myself within 'fear of having a boss - inferior - happiness' character - desiring to work for oneself -and connecting it to freedom

 - defining myself within the 'desire to work as my own boss - happiness' character - where i wanted to have a business of my own to not face my fear of the boss that gets angry when i come to work late - defining myself within the 'fear of boss - anger - late- suppression' character.

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Self-forgiveness and Commitment to Correction Script To Follow 

To Stop The Mind Character's narrative as Noise in The Head...

The Story of the Sheep, Me, Jesus, Cancer, Suppression and Anger: Day 154 'Late' Character

Meek as a Lamb

Other Journey To Life  Blogs 

Creation, Heaven, Earth

My Animal Blogs:

 

About Writing/Blogging

===

Store

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SELF-FORGIVENESS

===

References:

My 21 Days Breathing

Daily Blogs

http://juneroca.com/my-process/the-21-days-breathing/

The 'Late' Character Blogs:

http://juneroca.com/my-process/the-late-character/

  I saw the 'desire to be early' and 'fear of being late' during the day, so as i was doing self-forgiveness and self-correction here as part of my 'Late' character Solution Blueprint for the 'Late Character' - this narrative unfolded. 

The Story of the Sheep, Jesus, Me and Anger

Self-forgiveness:

The Mind Character's Narrative

Stopping The Noise of In My Head

Stopping The Chatter Of The Characters In My Head

I am Looking at the 'Always Late' Character 
Which is connected to Many other Characters that I Give Life To Within my Mind

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be early - defining myself within the 'early bird - happiness' character- where i did not want to be yelled at by anyone when i am late - defining myself within the 'fear of others being angry' character - and looking at my boss and fearing him when he's angry - defining myself within the 'work - boss is angry' character - fearing my teacher in the elementary grades when she is angry - defining myself within the 'fearing the teacher -stick- angry' character - where i connected the stick to pain - and within this - i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to charge the stick with a negative value -  separating from the stick - i commit myself to when and as i see myself fearing the stick and giving it a negative value - i stop - i breathe. I realise the stick comes from the trunk of the tree and therefore part of nature - as life - equal to what i am made of - as all life - and as such it is not more than or less than who i am. I bring myself here and accept and allow to express myself as life - in equality and oneness to all that exist.

- and looking at me fearing my grandmother when she's angry- defining myself within the 'fearing grandmother - spank - fear of pain' character - when she spanked me and asked me to kneel on the coarse salt because i did something wrong - where the sensation of the coarse salt on my knee is uncomfortable and painful and  she at the same time asked me to put my hands up on the side while kneeling down  - that is uncomfortable for the body - defining myself within the 'fear of grandmother - salt - fear of pain' character - and when i see her get angry to the maids when they did something wrong - defining me within 'fear of grandmother - scolding maid- fear of being scolded - angry' character- having a backchat - 'she loves me she does not get angry to me but just to the maids' - equating anger with being wrong, discomfort and pain - where i connected anger to me being wrong -and connected being wrong with being inferior - as i judged anger as more than me - and my grandmother as more than me  - connecting my grandmother to authority

-and looking at me fearing my mom - when she's angry when the maid did something wrong - i saw her pinch them - 'fear of my mom - pinching maid - fear of pain- angry' character -  and was thankful that she's not pinching me - fearing the pain of being pinched as there was a memory of me being pinched by my mom where it felt painful and did not want to experience it again - defining myself within the 'i don't want to be pinched again by my mom- fear of pain' character - when i did not want to wear the dress she made for me to wear in a party - where my backchat was ' i don't want to wear this - this is not fashionable because it is made from a fabric made in Indonesia - it is not a fabric being used by teenagers' - defining me within the 'judging the fabric design as not fashionable - age- group- this is not nice - competition' character. Within this - I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the  'fear of my mom - pinching maid - fear of pain- angry' character. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i don't want to be pinched again by my mom- fear of pain' character. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the  'judging the fabric design as not fashionable - age- group- this is not nice - competition' character. I delete these memories as pictures, as desires etc. within and as myself. I let go of the separation within and as myself and stand with the physical breath by breath moment by moment.

- and looking at fearing my dad - when he's angry with my mom - where i fear them separating - and being being left with no mom or dad- defining me within the 'fear of mom and dad separating - sad' character- and so blaming myself for them being angry to each other as they were talking about money - defining me within the 'mom and dad argument - money - blaming me' character - and blaming my mom also for nagging my dad- defining me within the 'fear of separation - mom nagging dad - separation- sad- blaming mom' character.

- and looking at fearing my uncle when he's angry - let's call him DB - where within this i am blaming someone else for reacting in anger - defining myself within the 'i fear DB - physical violence - angry- bad - morality' character - where i saw him put his fist on someone - defining myself within the 'i fear DB - fist punching someone - fear of pain' character - and him shouting at my grandmother -when his voice was high pitched and  he was swearing in Filipino - 'defining myself within the 'DB swearing at my grandmother - bad - morality' character where my backchat is 'i pity my grandmother' - defining myself within the 'i pity my grandmother - DB is shouting at her - pity' character.

Looking at being late at work- where i fear my boss being angry and - fear that he will lay me off - left with no work and not be able to survive - defining myself within the 'you're late - blaming the boss - not taking self-responsibility' character and blaming myself for being late - defining myself within the 'i am late -i blame me' character within spite - defining myself within the 'i have to survive - blame' character as within me reacting to this within/as my mind - i form a relationship with my mind within - and play this out in my world 'without' - as there are slaves that are suppressing their expression for fear of their masters getting angry to them - where within this - looking at what i did when my mom gets angry - hiding in my room fearing anger - defining myself within the 'fear of mom getting angry- hiding ' character - suppressing my expression - defining myself within the 'mom is angry - scolding someone - hiding -self-suppression' character - pretending i am not affected by anger - defining myself within the 'i am meek - self-suppression' character - where within me my stomach is churning as i fear someone getting angry- defining myself within the 'i fear anger - stomach churning - body abuse' character

When i have a look at this fear - i can see that this is something i am not in control of, the mind within/as me is driving me  - so instead of facing it - i gave up on myself - defining myself within the 'i give up - fear of anger- suppression' character - and instead manipulated myself through praying to God or Mary - defining myself within the 'get out of fear of anger - pray to Jesus- manipulation' character and the ' get out of fear of anger - pray to Mary - manipulation' character

 - and by doing yoga exercises - defining myself within the ' get out of fear of anger- yoga exercises - manipulation' character - where i do different postures - manipulating the body to express 'desire for happiness' - defining myself within the 'yoga - happiness' character - where i manipulate the breath by holding it for 8 seconds as i contract and relax my muscles in every posture - believing that it is real - not knowing i am trying to manipulate the physical and transform it into energy - where when i finish yoga exercises i feel relaxed - not realizing i am manipulating the body which is real - for me to satisfy my desire for 'peace of mind' - which i believed was happiness - defining myself within the 'desire for peace - happiness' character -not realizing i am transforming physicallity to energy to be used within/as my mind - not seeing, realising and understanding that real peace only exist in my mind as i believed it is there - not seeing the commonsense that there's war being waged in my 'without' as i believe there's peace in my 'within' - a delusion of unimaginable proportion - not seeing and realising that it is in assisting in establishing a world that truly honors life based on equality in my 'without' and self-forgiving oneself for participating within ones mind and practically walking out of the noise in the mind and applying oneself here - accepting and allowing oneself to express as life for what is best for all can i truly have real peace - as i see and hear what is here - so I commit myself to when and as i see myself stretching my body body doing different postures - to assist myself to be here as breath and move as it - stopping participation in any knowledge and information given to me by my guru when i was doing it in the past and accept and allow myself to express me as as the breath when i stretch  - changing and standing within my self-corrective application.

and doing tantrik yoga meditation so  the stress will not be there - defining myself within the ' get out of fear of anger- peace of mind - tantrik yogi meditation - manipulation' character

- and later on experimenting on  zen buddhist meditation believing my thoughts is causing me suffering - defining myself within the 'thoughts make me suffer - sadness'' character - believing it will be gone - defining myself within the 'get out of fear of anger - zen meditation - manipulation' character

 - and making sure i will not suffer and be subjected to the wrath of an angry person - defining myself within the 'wrath of an angry person - inferiority' character - of what i have done so i just suppress it and turn into a meek lamb - within spite - spiting the physical/body - defining  myself within the  'fear of consequence - not taking responsibility- self-suppression' character - desiring to get a positive energy experience so i will not see the fear of anger that is manifesting in the physical - through the stomach churning - thereby creating the 'self-suppression - taking energy from the physical - cancer' character- where i come face to face to death - and as i suppressed all the negative experiences in my life because of fear of pain - so i  got a mantra from the guru to instead of facing my fears - suppress them - so in my waking hours - i synchronized the breath with a mantra - 'hang so' to instead of looking at the thoughts within/as my mind and do self-forgiveness for them and correct my application in my moment to moment breath by breath movement - i manipulated myself to put my attention on the mantra - hoping that someday i manifest what i am constantly thinking - 'hang so' - a mantra that means 'i am that' (refering to 'that' as the supreme consciousness) and as i connect death to pain -

- where as the mind transforms physicality to energy - the body/substance is being consumed - and so looking at the different characters i play in the movie within my mind  in this blog - it is clear how this movie within/as my mind require energy - so it is commonsense to see that that is consuming my physical body - as 'source' of energy eventually the body becomes ill so in 2008 i had breast Cancer - in my right breast - so i did self-forgiveness and self-correction - i had an operation  - and after about a year, the doctors said that my blood was normal. 

Through this, i  forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and define myself within the 'fear of anger - self-suppression' character - and i commit myself to when and as i suppress myself and go into inferiority - i stop - i breath and when someone is getting angry - to rather than fear and hide and suppress myself within and as my mind  - i let go of the separation within and as myself  - bring myself back here - sloooow myself down - and accept and allow myself  to stand with the physical in every breath that i take.

 Looking at my 'fear of anger' - where anyone that mimics the tone of voice of my mom, my uncle, my dad - and their facial expression with hand body movements which i saw when i was young - my mind activates the main character in my head and the noise continues - and instead of being here as breath i am transported to the past - living the past within this moment - where i am not here but in an alternate reality within/as my mind -  defining myself within the 'memory of anger - suppression' character - and within this- blaming them for being angry and blaming myself for reacting in fear - within spite - so i spite my dad when he is angry - defining myself within the 'dad is angry - spite' character- i spite my mom when she is angry - defining myself within the 'mom is angry - spite' character - i spite my grandmother  when she's angry - defining myself within the 'grandmother is angry - spite' character and spiting my ex-husband when he's angry- defining myself within the 'husband is angry - spite' character - i spite my kids when they are angry - defining myself within the 'kids are angry - spite' character - i spite my aunts when they are angry - defining myself within the 'aunt is angry - spite' character -  while acting like a meek lamb so i will be liked by everyone - defining myself within the 'meek as a lamb - inferior' character- projecting that to others - where i believed my 2 uncles - let's call them DE and DW - believing they are 'meek as a lamb' who i believed married my aunts who 'get angry at them for little things' - judging my aunt within that belief as superior - defining myself within the 'my aunt is superior- angry' character - judging anger as more than myself - defining myself within the 'anger is superior - inferiority' character

let's look at anger again this time within blame  - blaming myself for being late - when i have to do yoga exercises to feel good before going to work believing that work is a crude undertaking - defining myself within the 'money is evil' character - believing it is only for people who are not spiritual - defining myself within the 'money is not spiritual' character - where i am mostly  late because of the excuse that i have to get a positive energetic experience from doing yoga and meditation first before going to the crude undertaking that i call 'working' - defining myself within the 'yoga and meditation - before work -addiction' character - where i belived i cannot exist without that energy fix - which i get from yoga and meditation - like an energy addict that cannot live live without the energy fix - defining myself within the 'yoga and meditation energy- fix addiction 'character - so judging work as inferior and a'positive energy experience' from yoga and meditation as superior defining myself within the'energy as superior - judgment' character - and so having the energy fix before i go to work - having the excuse that i have to survive as a 'positive - happiness' character - justifying that - by believing i have to have a positive energy experience to survive - defining myself within the 'positive experience - survival- justification' character 

and looking at the time when i was late at work - i blamed me for being late - and not fast enough - defining me within the 'slow- wants to be fast- competition' character  'i am late -i blame me' character - and blaming the world system for having to work to survive - defining me within the 'working to survive- blame' character - spiting the boss for being angry - defining myself within the 'boss is angry i am late - spite' character - where i did not see, realise and understand that i created all these characters within my mind - in an alternate reality where i am an alternate version of myself - separating myself from what is here as the body/physical - where i existed to survive - defining myself within the 'i have to survive - blame' character  - where i formed a relationship with my mind 'within' - and play this out in my world 'without' - as i created this world system by participating in alternate reality within and as this fear manifest in my body in my interaction with others in my 'without' and others as me- support this world system the way i do - together we created a world where there are slaves in different industries - where like a 'meek lamb' we suppress our selves because of fear - suppressing their expression for fear of their masters getting angry to them - where within this - looking at what i did when my mom gets angry - hiding in my room fearing anger - defining myself within the 'fear of mom getting angry - angry' character - suppressing my expression - defining myself within the 'self-suppression' character - pretending i am not affected by anger - defining myself within the 'i am meek - self-suppression' character - where within me my stomach is churning as i fear -

 where, looking at the sheep - i behave like a sheep in the house - and looking at the animals - as the sheep in this world - where people inflict pain on them in this physical existence due to greed for money and profit by selling wool

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Sheep Abuse

As The People Abusing The Sheep Through Mulesling

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to practice mulesing - using garden shears to carve chunks of skin and flesh from the lamb's or young sheep's backside in an attempt to create smoother skin and flesh from the lamb's backside. 

I commit myself to assist in establishing a world that truly honors life based on equality - where the sheep can express itself without it's animals and plants are not harmed and slaughtered for profit and all live as equals, animals, plants humans etc.

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  Mulesing is a barbaric procedure in which Australian farmers use garden shears to carve chunks of skin and flesh from the lamb's backsides in a crude attempt to create smoother skin that won't collect moisture and attract flies. But the exposed, bloody wounds often attract flies before they heal, or they become infected. Many sheep who have undergone the mulesing mutilation still suffer slow, agonizing deaths from flystrike. 

 http://www.peta.org/b/thepetafiles/archive/2011/08/08/grocery-giant-rejects-lamb-mutilation.aspx

Assistance from the Sheep:
'... I’d like to bring one into within this interview is how it is thus within human being’s dependency on the external to maintain that energy physical mind -physical relationship is that that caused  in the very fabric structural design of your physical body an exceptional amount of flaws, of deteriorations and weaknesses which is why humans throughout human civilization in fact really struggled physically to adapt and to evolve with this physical existence and require that external imprints of medications as encodings as symbols that was required to be constructed through the medications to patch up the flaws the weaknesses the impairments within the very physical body design structure and manifestation  whereas with us animals we naturally evolved and adapted with this physical existence but even us the physical impairments, the flaws the deterioration  was so consequential …’  Interview With The Sheep by Sunette Spies

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and looking back at the meek character where i suppress myself :

where within feeling sad when  someone is angry - defining myself within the 'someone is angry - sad' character -judging people who are angry  as more than myself - defining myself within the 'be careful - he's angry - he will hurt me' character -where i fear physically being hurt by another - defining myself within the 'fear of pain' character - where looking at my childhood and when i bring it back here - i can see my uncle  - who my family said was the 'blackship' in the family - let's call him BD - where when he drinks -  i saw him swearing at my grandmother and punch other men who he had a disagreement with and in fear i slumber into bed inside the house so i will not be exposed to such wrath -  as when i was 6-8 years old - i hear loud noises when he was being handcuffed by the police - outside in the streets - and i hear gun shots being fired - connecting the gun shots to death - defining myself within the 'gunshots - fear of death' character - where i feel my stomach churning because of fear that the cops will shot him and he will die - defining myself within the 'fear of being shot' character and where-  someone said he's in the hospital recovering from the shot - me connecting the hospital to operations which i connected to pain - fearing going to the hospital - defining myself within the 'fear of hospitals' character - and hearing that they operated on him - but had to leave metal pieces within his body - defining myself within the 'fear of having metal pcs in the body - fear of pain' character - traumatized by the incident - defining myself within the 'fear of traumatizing incidents - fear of pain' character and so also fear being operated on because i connected the scalpel that doctors use to pain - defining myself within  the 'fear of operations & scalpels - fear of pain' character  - separating myself from the angry person - which is me judging anger more than myself and me less than myself - and so me suppressing me - within spite - of who i am as self - as the physical - where within this i develooped a desire to be happy as a coping mechanism - defining happiness as absence of anger - where everyone is smiling and laughing - defining myself within the 'desiring laughter - fear of anger' character- where i connected the tone of voice and the sound of voice to the emotion of anger and believed it is bad to get angry and good to be happy -not realizing that when i am separating myself from the physical when i suppress myself and feel inferior when someone shouts as me - i am spiting and blaming the physical - that i am in this world tryong to survive - yet being subjected to angry people - not realizing that within that i am existing as blame - blaming the very substance i am made of - equal to all that exist.Through this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed  myself to fear anger - defining myself within the 'fear of others getting angry' character - and feeling inferior to the one getting angry - defining myself within the 'please don't be angy - inferior' character  - and to hide and keep quiet avoiding to be near the angry person - defining myself within the ' i fear anger - hiding' character - where seeing this i can see that my desire for being happy and doing all the things i do to be happy - is coming from fear of anger - which is essentially fear of being inferior - which is fear of not existing as the mind character i have become.

Stopping The Narrative of The Story In My Head

                                                          Self-commitment:

I commit myself to when and as i see myself desiring to be early - coming from the starting point of fear of being late - i stop - i breath. I bring myself back here and assist me to see that in this fear is me not wanting to be yelled at or punished and fear of someone inflicting pain on me  -  where i  fear others yelling at me and fear someone getting  angry when i did something wrong or is late - so desire the 'opposite' - as i desire to be praised when i am early and desire to be told i am a 'role model' - desiring to be superior than others - and fear of being inferior - so this desire to be early is coming from fear of being late  - and fear of my boss getting angry. So instead of fear directing me - to assist myself to stop and breathe. I stand with the physical,  letting go of the memories, as pictures as desires etc. within and as myself  and letting go of the separation within and as myself - and stand with the physical breath by breath moment by moment.

I commit myself to direct myself to stop self-suppressing me when i fear people who are angry or fearing pain etc. I accept and allow me to direct me to express who i am as life.

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be on time - coming from the starting point of fear of being late - which is me reacting in making myself avoid the person - or maiking sure i am not in the vicinity of that person - where i can see i am avoiding seeing me within anger - not realizing facing who i am as anger is  being able to look and stop - which is what will free me from separating from myself

Self-commitment: I commit myself to when and as i see myself desiring to be on time - coming from the starting point of fear of being late -separating from what is here by going within my mind -  i stop - i breathe.and accept and allow myself to see that this fear is coming from me not liking others to put me down or punish me - so to stop fear of being put down - and stop fear of being punished - and stop fear of not being the best - believing that if i am early - i am superior to others-  I bring myself here - slooow myself down and  to be here and see what is here - as the physical. 

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