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In this blog, i am looking at my relationship with birthdays in a 'family setting'
as recently my daughter celebrated her birthday
I am living in the US while she lives in the Philippines
so this is about
perceiving a location within my mind
as better than another location
within 'blame'
Thought Dimension
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself
to participate in the design of/as
'fear of surviving - as space and time'
to think, 'I am not there to celebrate the birthday of my kids'
where within this thought i activate an entire character/personality
blaming the physical
for creating one location
the Philippine soil
as better than another
the US soil
justifying that by saying
' i have to be a mom to my kids, i have to be there during their birthdays'
desiring to be present in my children's birthday events
not realizing that
who i have become
is trapped within time and space
not realizing that i am HERE as breath
in every moment
as all my kids and grand kids
are HERE as breath in every moment
-
I commit myself to when and as i see myself
blaming the physical
for creating space and time
and me specializing one location over another
i stop
i breathe
i realize i am responsible for what i accept and allow in my world
existing as the mind
within fear of survival
fearing my date of death
desiring life
desiring birth days
fearing the day i will die
So i assist myself to accept and allow myself to see
through the physical mind's eyes
without being deluded by what my mind's eyes see
as i time travel in different compartments within my mind
to see what is here
as the soil in the Philippines
is made from the same substance
the soil in the USA is made of
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Imagination Dimension
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself 'as blame'
to imagine how difficult it is to be far away from my kids and grand kids
imagining a sad me within my mind
crying with tears in my eyes
then suppressing it
believing crying is a weakness
blaming the physical for creating tears
and within that put a picture within that thought
like a movie within my mind
-
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself
'as blame'
to blame the physical existence for
creating separation through distance, location etc.
not realizing it is me as the mind
as energy
within fear of death
within fear of survival
imagining
a 'mom having a relationship to her kids'
within/as my mind
imagining
an individual in a relationship with another individual
perceived separate from oneself
thinking that my kids and grand kids are
separate from me
not realizing that
all individuals in the family including me are all birthed here - all eating from the earth, all breathing the same air, all under the same sun
where all bodies/physicals/substance
are equal to
the body/physical/substance of the Philippine soil - as matter
where all bodies/physicals/substance
are equal to
the body/physical/substance of the US soil - as matter
-
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself
'as blame'
to give one location in space
'as the soil in the Philippines'
a value
'more than' Life
within/as my mind
where
Philippine soil = +10
and to give another location in space
'as the US soil'
a value
'less than' Life
within/as my mind
where
US soil = -10
thinking of me being separate from the soil
thinking of me being separate from my kids
thinking of me being separate from my grand kids
not seeing the real value
or essential value of all that is here
where
Philippine soil = Life
US soil = Life
Human body/physical/substance = Life
-
Backchat Dimension
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself 'as blame'
to have a backchat/internal conversation
' My mom left me with my grandmother when we were young,
to study. It was sad, and i know this is sad for my kids too, but what can i do, i have to survive'
where within this i am using words
within my mind
separate from me
blaming my mom for leaving to study
which is essentially
blaming the physical/substance for creating separation
through creating time and space
not realizing it is me as the mind existing as energy
as who i have become
trapped in time as the past, present and future
time travelling in different compartments in my mind
as i think of the past, imagine, react etc.
fearing death
fearing survival as an individual
that has to be supported by my parents
fearing survival as an individual
supporting my kids
so i am stopping time travelling in the past
living the future in the present
within my mind
and birth me
as
who i really am
not defined by time and space
moving me as who i am as breath HERE
referencing the moment
in this physical existence
and referencing HERE
as the location
as 'where i am'
as 'where all are'
within/as myself
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Reaction Dimension
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself
'as blame'
to react with sadness
when my kids and grand kids have birthday
and me not being present all these years
in celebrating those
existing within fear of sadness
doubting myself when i am sad
blaming the physical for making me sad
having the excuse that i have to survive and be happy
as mom to my kids and grand kids
justifying that by saying 'i want to be whole - having a family of my own'
within self-interest desiring to survive as an individual
desiring to survive as the mother of my kids
and grand mother to my grand kids
believing that i have to survive in a family unit
to ensure my survival within an idea of a 'happy family'
an idea that i made up within/as my mind
not realizing it is me
as the mind fearing being sad
doubting myself
blaming the physical
making an excuse and justifying my existence as energy
so it is me stopping my fears
it is me stopping blame
it is me that is taking self-responsibility
-
Behavior Dimension
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself
'as blame' to use the mind to manipulate the body
to justify my desire to exist and survive
as a family
as my stomach tightening
having anxiety
having a fast heartbeat
then suppressing these reactions
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself
'as suppression'
to suppress my tears from falling on my cheeks
so i will not be sad - not shed tears
as i fear being sad
and showing sadness
essentially blaming the physical/body for creating tears
having the excuse that i have to show strength
and not weakness
by crying
judging those who cry as weak
not realizing it is me as the mind
as the evil me
existing within fear, suppressing that
and blaming the physical
abdicating taking self-responsibility
perceiving me separate from all
within me as the mind
and my interpretation of what is here
within knowledge and information separate from me
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Consequence Dimension
I have seen, realized and understand what the consequence of
giving a value more than life to a day and giving other days a value less than life
so i will introspect it and investigate it and make it a blueprint for self-change to get to know how it is i get to who i am, what i am and where i am
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Commitment to Correction
I commit myself to when and as i see myself
blaming the physical for who i have become
as the mind
I stop
I breathe
I realize i am the creator and the created
creating my fears etc.
in 'my within' as the mind
creating this unequal world system
as 'my without'
so i am assisting myself to take self-responsibility
to/as all parts of me as life
