Relationship Competition

Relationship Competition

In this blog, i am looking at what is happening in my mind as i compare myself with my ex-husband now that we are living separate lives and in the process compete - forgiving myself for that and writing  commitment statements to open the door for correction

Forgiving Myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare the way i walk my process of self-awareness to my partner now that we are living separate lives - and within that, judge his as slow and mine fast - where i see myself winning  based on my erroneous assessment of things  and since there is always a loser in a competition, i make sure that that is not me , but him - so that i end up having more plus points that will make my value more -which makes me feel good about myself - showing me that without him in the erroneous equation in my mind which i created based on fuzzy logic, i will have no one to compare with - and will be looking at myself, which usually leads me to boredom - which is really me using him to create some form of entertainment - and if he is not enough to give me a good feeling, i put in other characters - as in a movie,  which will give me a bigger playing field - so, when i lose on one of those competitive games, i can win on the other games  - where my value depends on winning games with the mind characters i created - which is not my real essential value and  not his real essential value

Commitment

When and as i see myself comparing the way i walk my process of self-awareness to my partner now that we are living separate lives, i stop - i breathe. I realize this is how i entertain myself when i am bored - where i compare myself to others, who i separated  myself from in my mind to have something to "munch" about - where my value depends upon another's value which can be more or less depending on what game i have to play to be entertained - where deep within, i fear looking at me - because i am unaware of who i really am  

I commit myself to look at me, and see who i really am as the breath

I commit myself to see me in relation with myself

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