This Blog is A continuation of These Blogs:
In my
last blog, i did self-forgiveness for believing i will make my grandmother happy by praying the rosary with her. In this blog i am doing my self-commitment statement in the beginning part and then i will do some more self-forgiveness for backchats etc.
Self-commitment Statement:
I commit myself to when and as i see myself believing 'what my Grandmother loves i am supposed to love' - i stop - i breath. I realize that this comes from '
fear of my grandmother getting angry' - where i forced myself to pray the rosary when i was very young - where at about 4am to 5am in the morning when she recited the rosary inside the mosquito net ( we sleep using the net so mosquitoes will not bite us on the skin) where she would pinch me in my thigh so i will wake up and pray the rosary with her - where within this - the scenes of how painful that pinch was and the voice of my grandmother plus her spoken word 'ave maria purissima' (
'most pure Mary')and my
'ilicited forced response' 'sin pecado concebida' ('
conceived without sin') replays within/as my mind like a movie where,
My backchats were:
'I am just her granddaughter'
'She will get angry if i do not pray with her'
'I better do this even if i don't like to'
'If i don't do what she wants me to do she will keep pinching me until i wake up'
'Rather than prolong the misery, i will just wake up and do what she wants me to do to keep the peace '
'This might be what is good for me to do'
Through this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to
fear my grandmother getting angry.
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The Subconscious Mind
Self-forgiveness for Backchats:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to judge my grandmother as more than me and me less than myself believing that the past generation - as my grandmother - gave my mom the seeds (ovary in her body to produce eggs that united with my dad's sperms) to be able to 'procreate' - believing that without those seeds from my grandmother, my father and my mother- i will not be alive - defining myself within the fear of not existing - and through this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my grandmother as more than myself and me less than myself believing that i am lucky to be alive - not realizing that this is coming from the starting point of fear of not existing.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to judge my grandmother as more than myself and me less than myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to fear pain
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to separate from my body.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to separate from pain
The Mosquito Net
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I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the words 'ave maria purisima' ('most pure Mary') , 'sin pecado concebida' ('conceived without sin'), by giving these words a positive value - where i am using these words to ask for mercy - judging myself as a sinner - judging myself as less than myself, and specializing Mary - judging her as more than myself - where i venerate Mary through the words 'ave maria purisima' ('most pure Mary') , 'sin pecado concebida' ('conceived without sin') - where i believed she conceived Jesus without having sex with Joseph - which i created within/as my mind based on books i have read and words i have heard in church - without really testing and investigating all the dimensions of this - hoping that she will have mercy on me or answer my prayers - hoping that she will bless me - defining myself within the '
hoping' character and the '
words as prayer' character.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and diminish myself by letting my grandmother direct what i say and do - rather than me directing what i say and do - defining myself within the 'self-suppression' character
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the '
giving up' character where because i pity myself at that moment - 'pitying myself' believing that i do not have the right to say 'no' - so 'gave up on myself' instead of saying 'no' and tell my grandmother what i am experiencing at that moment.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize/see or understand that i am accepting and allowing the physical body to be abused at that moment - the same physical body that is assisting me to move and express myself in the physical - defining myself within the '
victim' character.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear anger - desiring peace - defining myself within
peace and
chaos -
agreement and
disagreement -
anger and
no anger,
fear or
no fear.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to doubt what is good for me - defining who i am as the '
doubting' character - that i created within/as my mind - as i believed i am split into 2 - one that is
eternal and one that is
not eternal, one that is
perfect and one that is
not perfect - doubting and uncertain of who i am - so gave my grandmother the authority to decide for/as myself - not realizing that i am here as breath in every moment..
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge Mary as more than myself and me less than myself - within/as my mind - defining myself within the '
Virgin Mary' character - not realizing that this is an idea that made up within/as my mind that is not real - as i created an alternate version of me in an alternate reality and created an alternate version of Mary - which is pure and conceived without sin - which i only heard the priest saying and read some prayer books writing about Mary - but NO ONE has really seen Mary - i just gave life to her in my imagination which i believed to be real because of what i have seen and heard which i did not really investigate the full details of/as.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not existing - so desires to have eternal life - believing that 'through praying the rosary through Mary i will be able to make Jesus save me - defining myself within the '
save me Jesus through Mary' character - not realizing i am here as the flesh - as the body - as the physical - made from the same substance all are made of - which essentially mean i am equal to all that exist.
Sleepiness
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to sleep - but remains awake because of fear of being pinched by my grandmother - defining myself within the '
fear of sleeping' character.
The Breath:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to while praying the rosary - i am not here as the breath in every moment - holding my breath, as i am having backchat about why i was doing what i was doing - defining myself within the '
holding the breath in prayer' character
The Body:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself 'as the knees' bent push me into positions expressing 'desire to be loved' - defining myself within the '
knees bent as desire to be loved' character
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself 'as the forefinger and the thumb of the right hand' touching the bead of the rosary push me into positions expressing 'desire to be loved' - defining myself within the '
forefinger and thumb touching beads as desire to be loved' character.
Reaction:
Anger
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry to myself that i have been weak to say
'no, please do not pinch the body' - defining myself within the
'weak' character
Fear
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear by doing what i was told to do by my grandmother - defining myself within the '
reacting in fear of grandmother' character
Consequence
I 'tried to like what i was doing', until one day i saw myself 'liking to pray the rosary' - manipulating myself to manifest the desire to 'love what my grandmother loves to do - pray ', in the physical - as i 'experience some calmness when i pray the rosary' - believing it was Jesus or the 'Virgin Mary' that is 'giving me that calmness'.
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I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself to manifest a consequence - of my desire '
to love what my grandmother love' by praying the rosary daily with her - where, as i pray with my grandmother daily i started loving what she loves to do as it is seemingly 'giving me calmness' - as the sound of the repeated words uttered by us reverberate within/as the mind - believing that it is real - not realizing that i manipulated myself to' get that feeling of calmness' within/as my mind - as i act out the '
rosary - prayer' character defining who i am towards my relationship with 'praying the rosary'.
When and as i see myself fearing my grandmother within/as my mind - i stop - i breathe. I bring myself back here and assist myself to see who i really am - as the real character - that is here as breath in every moment - standing for what is best for all life.
