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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Who Am i? The 'Tantric Yogi' Character Part 1 Day 123 Surrender : Guru: Soham: Mantra: Enlightenment: Pratik: Self-less Service




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Me As The 'Tantrik Yogi' Character

Continuation

What is Self-forgiveness?
 http://juneroca.com/home/my-process/self-forgiveness/

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i fear me' character - where i fear myself - as who i have become - as an alternate version of who i am - as the mind characters - within/as my mind - fearing myself as i know i have abdicated responsibility to/as who i am as all life - perceiving myself as more than or less than who i am - based on the participation in positive, neutral and negative energy experiences - which i defined myself within  - perceiving myself as that which is 'split between the ego and the self' - so became doubtful as the 'i don't know everything about  who i am' character  - believing that the ego is the limited version of me and that self is the unlimited version of me -where i judged the ego as less than myself and the self as more than myself - based on my experiences of how i am - defined within positive, neutral and negative experiences of myself - within a negative experience of 'uncertainty and doubt' believing that 'i do not know everything about who i am' - believing that i have to know who i am as the 'i want to know who i am' character - asking questions as the 'i want to understand who i am' character - asking, 'Who am i?' ''Where am i?' What am i?' - asking Where did i come from?' 'Who created me?' 'What is my purpose in life?' 'When did creation happen?'  'Who's God?' 'Who created God?' 'How did life begin on earth?' 'Why are spiritual texts in conflict with one another if there is just one God?'  'Why are there so many names of Messiahs and Prophets?' 'Why did God hide all this from me'? 'Why am i born with my father and mother and not someone else as my mother or father?' 'Why am i born in the Philippines and not in USA?'  'Why is my skin color brown and not white nor black?' 'Why doesn't anyone know all the answers to these basic questions?' 'Why can't i control myself from lying?' 'Why does some have more  and some less than others?' -   where in that uncertainty  and fear of not existing as the 'i fear not existing' character - i desire answers - as the 'i will not stop until i know who i am' character- searching for the 'moreness of me' as the ' there must be more than me, there must be more than me as here' character - and within this quest - i separated myself from all that exist - by processing all these questions and analyze the answers within/as my mind - in an alternate reality - where i am an alternate version of myself- as the mind character - with no real physical existence - spiting the physical/substance -within blame - not realizing i am here as flesh, as blood- as the physical/substance - equal to all that exist - as all are made from the same substance all are made of - with the excuse that i have to exist as the ' there must be more than me' character to survive in this world - justifying my existence as the mind character in a mind reality - that is not even real - believing if i find the answers to all my questions i will be whole - not realizing I AM HERE - equal to all that exist as i came from the same substance all are made of - so from the starting point of fear, i defined myself within the 'i fear not existing eternally, as the ego, as the imperfect one, so i want to be that perfect one, desiring to live eternally' character - desiring to be perfect -as the 'i want to be perfect' character- believing that i can be perfect without looking at what i have accepted and allowed - without looking at how i created my mind as the conscious, subconscious and unconscious - believing that because it is too much to look at and direct the evil that i have become - as the 'i give up taking responsibility for myself' character - believing the guru knows what this world is about  - defining myself within the 'i don't know, the guru knows' character - and believing that by just doing what he tells me to do or say - as the 'i surrender to the guru' character - i can burn my evil deeds and lies and be liberated from it all - just like a miracle - defining myself within the 'i want a miracle' character - believing i can transcend physical laws and consequence - defining myself within the 'i am impatient so i want things fast ' character - believing that doing it that way will  be easier -  defining myself within the 'i fear difficulty so i want the easy way out' character - believing that gurus are beyond the laws of this physical existence and beyond consequence - defining myself within the 'the guru is more than me' character - believing i cannot do it myself - defining myself within the 'i am less than the guru' character- where i essentially judged the guru as more than me and me less than myself - believing what the guru says - defining myself within the 'the guru knows everything ' character believing that i will be reborn or reincarnated on earth as a plant or as an animal and suffer the consequence of my evil deeds, actions and inaction if i do not have a guru - as the 'i fear pain' character - fearing rebirth - defining myself within the 'i fear taking self-responsibility' character - abdicating my responsibility and letting someone to do it in my behalf - defining myself within the ' let someone else suffer the consequence to my actions' character - so i decided to 'surrender everything to the guru' - believing that surrender is the way out - as the 'there is a way out' character - believing that i incur positive and negative karma in everything i say and do - believing that those who get out of 'action and reaction' or consequence is special - defining myself within the ' the guru is special' character - believing that  i cannot take self-responsibility and correct myself on my own - defining myself within the 'i cannot do it' character -believing that looking at what i have accepted and allowed in this world as my words and deeds is 'too much to handle' because'i am just human' - defining myself within the 'i am just human' character - believing this is too much to do - defining myself within the ' this is too overwhelming' character - so i decided to surrender 'my positive and negative karma to my guru' - defining myself within the 'i surrender myself to the guru' character - and in return i followed everything that he told me to do - defining myself within the 'i will do whatever you say' character because he will liberate me from the ego -  defining myself within the 'i hope the guru will give me liberation' character - and when i don't do what he says - i feel guilty - defined within the 'i fear i will not get liberation' character - and within this 'surrender' is a contract that i will follow the 16 points -  to in return get 'liberation from bondage of the ego' - believing that as i have bliss in meditation i will attain eternal life by  meditating and just dying while meditating attaining moksha - as the 'i am enlightened' character - believing that i will  'unite with the supreme consciousness' to never reincarnate again and have eternal life -defined within the 'i desire eternal life' character - not realizing that that's a belief - manipulating myself to live my beliefs - as if it was real - defined within the ' manipulation' character.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the mantra is charged with spiritual energy by the guru - defined within the 'mantra' character - believing that repeating the sanskrit  word 'hamsa' which i sounded as  'hang so' within and as my mind -  will 'expand my mind' to one day unite with 'supreme consciousness' - perceiving 'consciousness' as more than me and me less than myself - not realizing that 'CONsciousness' is the presence of character as memory - and so defining myself as the 'hang so' character - giving my power to this sanskrit word with 2 syllables - which i defined as special - not realizing that i am charging these words with a positive value -perceiving myself separate from these words - believing the mantra 'hang so' is special - where i believed it has the power to expand my mind- defined within the 'words have power' character to later unite with the 'supreme consciousness' - to attain liberation from bondage of the ego - an illusion i lived - meditating on the words 'hang so' - synchronizing the sound of these words with/as my breath - where as i breath in - i hear 'hang' within/as my mind and as i breath out - i hear the word 'so' believing that this is my 'ista mantra' - or who i am that i have to realize - within/as my mind - believing that what i say within/as my mind is real - believing that a mantra is a word that can expand my mind - perceiving myself separate from the word mantra - manipulating myself to manifesting the belief that the mantra is special because it is supposed to be only just for me - and was told to promise to keep it secret - where i defined myself within the ' i have a secret and you don't know what it is' character - where i judged the word secret as more than myself and me less than myself - where when i am the only one that knows something and others do not know about it - i am special - defining myself within the 'i am special' character - not realizing this is a word - and i use words as an expression of who i am - so there's nothing special about it -  not realizing I AM HERE - as flesh, as blood - as the substance/physical - equal to all that exist - as we all came from the same substance all are made of .


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'initiated to spirituality' character - where i believe that my initiation to meditation means that i am now more special than others - who are not initiated in the path of 'tantra' - as the 'tantric' character - where i specialized 'tantra' as more than me and me less than myself - believing that my guru is the reincarnation of Shiva and Krishna - where i judged the guru, AM as more than myself and me less than myself -where i believed he was 'taraka brahma' or god himself in physical form - judging him as more than me and me less than myself - believing  that he is a sadguru -  judging him as more special than a guru - believing that when i follow the 16 points - i will be liberated from bondage - believing self-realization and selfless service are my passport to liberation - defined within the ' i desire liberation' character - believing that me receiving the name 'Janaki' upon initiation -  Janaki meaning 'mother of the universe'  - i will one day be that -desiring to have a positive experience from having the name 'Janaki' - as the 'Janaki, mother of the universe' character - not realizing I AM HERE as breath in every moment - equal to all that exist - as all came from the same substance all are made of - as all Life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the 'tantric yogi' character - where i take a shower in the morning and in the evening, recite the bath mantra as i look at the light in the ceiling of the room - believing my body will be energized by reciting the mantra and looking at the light - defined as the 'bath mantra' character - and sit in lotus pose in the morning upon waking up - defined as the 'lotus pose' character - then i close my eyes - defined as the 'closed eyes meditation' character - proceeding to withdraw my attention from this real world - from this real reality - to go to an alternate reality within/as my mind - where i transform physicality/substance to mind energy to have a positive energy experience - where i imagine a light coming from my toes going to the head then down to the heart area - which i call the 'anahata cakra' - defined within the 'anahata cakra' character - and then start repeating my mantra 'hang so' - which i translated as 'i am that' - defined within the 'hang so' character - the mantra 'hang so' i synchronized with my breathing - doing that  for about 20- 30 minutes or more - then do the yoga exercises - defined within the 'yoga posutre' character and then eat a 'sentient meal' also known as a 'vegetarian meal' - defined within the 'sentient food' character that uses no onion nor garlic - believing that onion and garlic are 'tamasik' - defined within the 'i don't like tamasik food' character - and at night before eating- taking a shower again, reciting the bath mantra again and then sitting in meditation again - where after meditation i do the yoga postures again and then eat a 'vegetarian sentient meal' again - like a battery operated machine - where i diminish myself as who i am as life - not defined by energy - within self-sabotage - sabotaging my own self-realization by being a mind character desiring positive energy experiences as the 'moreness of me'.


Not realizing  I AM HERE as breath in every moment.


Dharma Cakra

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'dharma cakra' character - where i attend group meditation every week - where we first sing kirtan or chant 'babanam kevalam' meaning 'love is all there is' - accompanied by guitar or tabla - where the men form a line or group usually at the right and the women form another line or group at the left - or gather around a table where the picture of the guru is - defined within the 'i love baba/guru' character using words and music to - get a positive energy experience in an alternate reality within/as my mind - in a mind reality - as an alternate version of who i am - and then to make the positive energy experience expand - meditate on  the mantra to get more positive energy experience within and as my mind - defining myself within the 'i like bliss' character.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'pratik' character


- believing that the pratik is a powerful symbol charged with spiritual energy of the guru - perceiving myself separate from the pratik - judging it as more than myself and me less than myself - not realizing that we give meaning to symbols equal to who we are - equal to all that exist.- where the symbol usually appears together with the picture of the guru - in the jagriti/yoga house - the picture and the pratik in front or in the middle of the circle where we all gather - as we sing in unison 'love is all there is' or 'everything is a manifestation of the supreme consciousness' as babanam kevalam' - not realizing i am singing in essence 'fear is all there is' - as people all over the world is in fear like me doing something to mask that fear in the name of 'love'- as i defined myself within the 'babanam kevalam' character - not realizing and understanding 'love' is fear of myself - and in that fear of not existing/ fear of me as the ego/ fear of not existing eternally - i desire to love myself and others - defined within the 'i love others' character - perceived separate from me - and believe i will attain liberation through this - desiring to exist eternally - and within/as my mind believe that i will attain moksha or liberation or salvation - not realizing that believing in attaining moksha/liberation from the bondage of the ego just by myself - is done in self-interest - where i perceive me separate from all - as self is all life - where through yoga and meditation - we consume the physical/substance to transform it to energy to - within/as the mind use this  energy  to enjoy the positive energy experience of what we do - which we believed and defined as positive and blissful - and when after doing 'self-less service' or giving poor people food - defined within the 'self-less service' character - feeling good about myself - in self-interest - being self-dishonest that it is being done without me gaining something from it - not realizing that the 'positive energy experience perceived gained' is there -  the 'bliss' or positive energy experience when i do kirtan/chanting - which is 'heightened' in meditation - as we do dharmacakra or group meditation - where i experience a 'surge of bliss' within and as my mind - separating myself from what is HERE - as the physical/substance - equal to all that exist - and consuming the physical/body/substance and transforming the substance to energy which the mind use to experience 'bliss' - a positive energy experience within/as my mind - an alternate reality where i exist as an alternate version of me - believing it was me as self - in self-dishonesty and self-sabotage.

Note: To be continued




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