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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

VS Pulling Mom's Hair: 'Who am I?' I am The 'I Pity My Mom' Character I Chose To Become Day 116




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Stepping out Of Character
I am doing self-forgiveness to stop, delete or step out of the 'i pity my mom' energy character and birth me as the real character - as flesh and blood -as the physical - through commitment to correct myself in every moment of breath - and birth me here as all Life - standing for what is best for all..
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What is self-forgiveness?

“Speaking self forgiveness is like – ‘saying sorry to yourself’, but in more deep and intimate way. Saying sorry to yourself for separating yourself from yourself, from not realising that you can actually help yourself, from making your life difficult for yourself, from being hard on yourself, from not helping yourself. And in this self forgiveness as ‘saying sorry to yourself’ you then release yourself / set yourself free from your past so that you can help yourself to create a new future for yourself inside yourself. Through self forgiveness, you let go of the burdens of the past in your mind that is haunting you, and set yourself free to take your power back to change yourself, for yourself.” ~ Sunette Destonian Spies

Self-forgiveness is the act of rebirth and giving self to self through letting the past as self go and creating a new self that can be trusted to always be what is best for all. Bernard Poolman
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The Event:
I saw my mom being hurt by VS -when i was young. i saw VS pulling her hair  when i was about 6-8 yrs old.

'I Pity My Mom' Character
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i pity my mom' character which i became aware of when i saw my mom being hurt by VS when i was about 6-8 years old - where her long black hair is being pulled in an argument that i witnessed in the kitchen. - within this, i forgive myself to believe that pitying my mom is good and not pitying her is bad - through this,  i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define me within pity or no pity - a polarity manifestation of /as the mind.

The Subconscious Mind
Backchats: 

'I felt I have to protect my mom'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to fear pain and so desire to help others get out of pain as the 'fear pain desire to get others out of pain' character
I forgive myself that  i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat to fear being a victim of abuse so desire to protect my mom from abuse
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to justify not helping my mom - and through the use of feeling - feel the need to protect my mom -as a form of 'help given to her' - where empathy is equated to helping her - instead of saying 'stop pulling her hair
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify the desire to be protected in my relationships- and remaining as that character - as a consequence of acting out the 'fear pain desire to get others out of pain' character.

'She's unable to protect herself'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to judge my mom as unable to protect herself - in essence judging her as less than myself and me more than myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to  fear being unprotected and so desire to be protected by my relationship partners all my life - as a consequence of acting out this character - an alternate version of me - i believed to be me

'She is trying to hide the pain by not crying'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to believe she is trying to hide the pain by not crying - projecting my fear of pain from my hair being pulled by another.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within pain and no pain

'I know she’s hurt, she's just being strong'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to judge my mom as self-dishonest - pretending to be strong when i saw her as weak - where i connected her not crying when her hair is being pulled by VS - as pretense.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself when i cry - where i copied what i believed my mom did by suppressing tears from coming out - when i want to cry when people are around - as a consequence of being the 'i am pretending' energy character - judging my mom as less than myself when she did not cry and me more than myself when i cry- i also judged myself as less than myself when i cry - so suppress myself from crying -spiting the physical - as who i am - as flesh and/as blood- as the tears - as the tear duct - as the eyes - as the body - that which is assisting me unconditionally to move around in the physical universe and assisting me to express myself here.


'I can see that she isn't strong'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to judge my mom as less than me and me more than myself  - and judge my mother as weak for not saying anything to stop VS from pulling her hair
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to believe my mom isn't strong because of the belief that when people cry when hurt by others - that is normal - and when people do not cry when hurt by others - it is not normal.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to  define myself within normal and not normal.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself by not saying anything when someone is angry - as the 'i fear anger' character where i judge myself as less than anger - as less than the person expressing anger - diminishing myself - as who i really am - as a consequence of  acting out the 'i am weak' character - misusing the vocal cords/larynx - as equal to who i am - and instead spite the physical - as the larynx/vocal cords - by suppressing its expression - by suppressing myself to talk in self-honesty in every breath - in every moment.

'She needs someone to help her'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to fear saying something to VS to stop her from pulling my mom's hair - justifying my not taking self-responsibility to say something to stop VS from hurting her by standing there wanting someone to help her - delegating my responsibility to someone else.

'She is her mother so she has the right - and she does not have a say because she’s just the daughter'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to believe that mother's do have a right - believing mother's hurting her kid is allowed/okay/good and the daughter saying something to stop being hurt by her mother is a form of 'answering back' to her mother  - therefore, is bad - because our culture says so - defining myself within the rules of the Filipino culture.

'I want to help but I am  just the the grandaughter'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to abdicate responsibility for saying something to stop VS from pulling my mom's hair - desiring to help my mother but not doing it anyway - because of fear that she will scold me and hurt me too as the 'i fear taking self-responsibility so i will just be an observer' character because i am scared of the consequences of taking on that stand as the 'fear of consequences for helping someone' character - not realizing i cannot get out of consequence.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to suppress myself from stopping VS and not helping my mom 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to  use backchat as a method to judge myself as less than myself and my grandmother as more than myself - where i suppress myself - to not talk about how my parents and grandparents assist me in remaining as the energy character that i am - and to never be the real character in flesh - that is who i really am- talking about the good things that i believed they do only and being blind about the rest - in self-dishonesty - as self-sabotage.

'I am helpless, I need help myself because I am a child'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to believe i am helpless and that i need help because i am a child
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to define myself within helpful and helpless, help and no help
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to judge myself 'as a child - as less than myself and me as an adult as more than myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use back chat as a method to define myself within being a child - being an adult
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to believe that children are helpless and adults are not helpless - defining myself within helpless and not helpless 
'I felt pain seeing her being violated by VS'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to project my mom's pain to myself - where first i imagined within/as my mind how it will feel if someone pull my hair - and comparing it from a past experience - and believed it will be painful.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself between the past, present and future.

'I fear intervening because she might be angry and she might punish me'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to to use backchat as a method to fear stopping VS from hurting my mom believing she will get angry and then defining myself within the ' i fear she might punish me' character

'love can be cruel - the one who loves you and cares for you  can punish you and  hurt you and that will be acceptable'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge love as cruel believing that 'the one who loves you and cares for you can punish you and hurt you and that will be acceptable - and cruelty will be acceptable'. 

'I feel sorry for her'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat to justify not helping to stop VS from hurting my mom - and to instead just 'feel sorry for my mom' - believing that that is all i have to do - as i believed that is all i could do as a child - believing that that is enough
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by believing i can only do a little bit - or take responsibility for some parts of me and that's okay - believing others say it is so - and so it is - not realizing that i am here in every moment of breath - able to take self-responsibility for all parts of me as all life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people help children because they are helpless - and 'i am a child so i can be helpless'  
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to justify my being helpless and as consequence/effect of this believe i am really helpless so be dependent on others all my life - my mom, my dad, my relationship partners etc.- not realizing i am here in every moment as breath.

'People who love me and feed me has the right to punish me'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to believe that people who love me and feed me has the right to punish me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to spite the physical - as who i am - as the flesh as the body- within accepting and allowing others to abuse it physically.

'I will memorize this event.'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method  to delay taking self-responsibility for my mom as me - not taking responsibility in that moment the event happened - and instead memorize the event and store it in my mind - believing that if i do that i will get VS to one day face what she did for my mom - as the 'vengeance' character - defining myself within time - as taking responsibility in the future - defining myself within the 'i fear taking responsibility at this moment- so i am taking self-responsibility in the future' character - where when i stopped taking self-responsibility in that moment when i saw what was happening to my mom - and as a consequence for suppressing who i am as the real character that takes self-responsibility in every moment of breath.- i have situations where i become overwhelmed by so much stuff i have to take self-responsibility for. 

The Unconscious Mind
Body Movement: 
I am near the door, standing, body slightly bent, body twisted to the left and head turned to the left

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself 'as the body' slightly bent 'as the body' twisted to the left, 'as the head' turned to the left to express pity to my mom being hurt by VS.

Feels like crying
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself 'as the eyes' about to cry to - 'as the tear duct' about to release tears - to express pity to my mom being hurt by VS.

Heart beating fast
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself 'as the heart' beating fast to express fear that my mom will suffer so much pain.

Stomach Churning
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself 'as the stomach' churning to fear my mom will suffer too much pain

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I commit myself to when and as i see myself defining myself within the rules of the Filipino culture - where it is okay for a mother to hurt or punish a child while it is wrong for a child to say something when the mother or grandmother is doing something wrong - i stop - i breathe. i bring myself back here - i assist myself to stand as who i am - equal to all that exist and say something to stop the abuse - and make this a physical doingness by stomping my feet to the ground and saying 'i am here' - as the flesh and blood -as the physical - and say to myself 'i only accept and allow that which is best for all life'.

I commit myself to when and as i see myself defining myself within the 'i fear taking self-responsibility so i will just be an observer' character - i stop - i breathe. I assist myself to realise that i created this character out of fear of being involved in any consequence arising from me taking responsibility - to stop me from taking responsibility in every moment of breath - the consequence of which is me always late - at work - in school - making my assignments etc.- and accepting and allowing only that which is best for all life - as that is essentially what is best for me.

I commit myself to delete this ''i fear taking self-responsibility so i will just be an observer' character -as the memories, as pictures - as desires, as beliefs etc. within and as myself - and let go of the separation as desires etc. within and as myself - and stand with the physical - stomp my feet and say 'i am here' - and find the body position that supports me as the breath - that supports me as the body - and only accept and allow that which is best for all life

I commit myself to stop or delete the memories, pictures of the 'i pity my mom' character- as desires, fears, beliefs etc. within and as myself and let go of the separation - as desires etc. within and as myself and stand as who i am as the flesh and blood - as the physical - as the breath in every moment here - and only accept and allow what is best for all life.

I commit myself to when and as i see myself manipulating myself 'as the eyes' about to cry - i stop - i breathe - and find a body position that will assist me as the body - that will assist me as the breath and position my body that way .

I commit myself to when and as i see myself manipulating myself 'as the stomach' churning - i stop - i breathe and find the body position that will support me as the body - that will support me as the breath and position the body that way.

I commit myself to when and as i see myself manipulating me 'as the heart' beating fast to express fear that my mom will be hurt - i stop - and breathe - finding the body position that will support me as the body - that will support me as the breath and position the body that way.

I commit myself to - through writing, self forgiveness and self-corrective application - assist myself to stop the 'pity' character and all characters that support this character.


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