Embracing Sadness: The Word Sadness Day 190 Word Connections

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Redefining Words:

http://juneroca.com/words/redefining-words/

In this blog i am looking at my relationship with the word 'sadness' - separating from the word by charging it with a positive and negative value - looking at the words i connected it to and defined it within - where i did not see it equal to my expression and to through writing, self-forgiveness and self corrective application assist myself to release the charge,  redefine it and use the word as equal to my expression .

Sadness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word sadness by giving it a positive value
I forgive  myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word sadness by giving it a negative value

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word sadness with a positive value
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word sadness with a negative value

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I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word sadness to the word

helping

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word sadness within the word helping

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word sadness to the word charity

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word sadness within the word charity

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word sadness to the word money

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word sadness within the word money

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word sadness to the word gifts

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word sadness within the word gifts

Negative

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word sadness to the word bad

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word sadness within the word bad

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word sadness to the word poor

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define sadness within the word poor

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word sadness to the word alone

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word sadness within the word alone

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word sadness to the word defeat

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word sadness within the word defeat

I forgive myself that i  have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word sadness to the word unhappy

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word sadness within the word unhappy

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word sadness to the word death

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word sadness to the word death

I forgive myself that ih ave accepted and allowed myself to define the word sadness within the word sickness

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to  connect the word sadness to the word sickness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word sadness to the word pain

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word sadness within the word pain

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word sadness to the word suffering

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word sadness within the word suffering

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I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, accept and allow myself to use it as equal to my expression and make sure i am clear before i speak the word.

I commit myself to when and as i see myself separating from the word sadness - i stop - i breathe and change my starting point and then correct myself and speak and write it as equal to my expression. 

I commit myself to when and as i see myself seeing people in pain, sickness and suffering, i flag point myself - and assist myself to stand and use the words sadness, pain, sickness,  suffering etc.  as equal to my expression

I commit myself to write about my experiences of sadness so that i can see where i participated in fearing pain, sickness and suffering, death, aloneness etc.

Embracing Sadness: Fear of Being Sad Part 2 Day 189 Vegetarianism, The Philippines and My Grandmother

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This is a continuation of this Blog

 http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/10/embracing-sadness-fear-of-sadness.html

Fear of Sadness Part 2

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no shelter or home to shield my body from the heat of the sun - where i fear being under the intense heat of the sun - my skin burning - with no clothes to wear

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the intense heat of the sun burning my skin'

- where i fear the feeling of my skin burning from the intense heat of the sun

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the feeling of my skin burning from the intense heat of the sun

- where i connected pain to suffering, discomfort and agony

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the fear of feeling the pain of my skin burning from the intense heat of the sun - because it's like my skin tearing apart and then creating a sore that i will put medicine on and will sting

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my skin tearing apart

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the sun - where within that fear having skin sores i am blaming the sun - so existing within blame.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having skin sores

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to spite nature as the physical as i blamed the sun for my fear of having skin sores

- and connecting this to an experience within a  memory of when my grandmother putting merthiolate (colored orange) on my  skin when i was pierced by the needle of the sewing machine when i was trying to operate without her permission

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'fear of unpleasant sensations' character -where i fear physical sensations of pain and form a relationship with physical sensations, not realising that physical sensations are just physical sensations, i do not have to judge them as good or bad or have aversion for them.

I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to fear putting medicine  on my skin or any part of my body

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear pain

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear merthiolate

-where after she found out about me operating her sewing machine without her permission -

These were my thoughts:

 'she is not around so i can sneak in and operate her sewing machine and see how this operates'

'i can hide the fact that i operated her sewing machine without her permission'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide the fact that i operated my grandmother's sewing machine when i agreed not to - using words within my mind to hide and be self-dishonest in separation of me equal to the words.

- where i enjoy the risk of doing something that she said is dangerous for me to do

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the ''risk is happiness' character

- where my backchat was:

 'i just want to try it, see what will happen, why is she stopping me to do this? I have the right to do whatever i please'

'i will do as i please'

'she put this medicine on the cut on my skin which hurts - she wants to hurt me'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear medicine

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doctors

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear nurses

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear hospitals

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to within my fear of pain and suffering - spite the physical, as in the hospital building etc.

- where i fear going to the hospital - so tried to become healthy by becoming cooked vegetarian, and later be cooked raw vegan, then became raw vegetarian, then became raw vegan and then tried not eating for 3 and 1/2 days - trying out the 'breatharian diet'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing myself like the poor kids in the philippines without sandals to go to school, noses full of snout, their faces looking apathetic - in the midst of pain, discomfort and suffering

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being so poor and out of job and end up living in a cart -with cardboard boxes shielingd them from the rain and the sun - not having a blanket to cover themselves at night

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that there is no way they will have a better future

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear me being in their shoes, doomed to be this poor

I forgive myself that i  have accepted and allowed myself to be 'unaware' of who i am as the breath in every moment - where i create an alternate reality within my mind where i fear and then desire happiness as i fear the dark side of me and desire only the light - not seeing and realizing that within my desiring the positive and the light to make me happy in my 'within' as my mind i am creating a world of darkness and negativity in my 'without' as this current world system based on inequality and self-interest

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Commitment to Correction

To Birth me as LIFE

I commit myself to instead of fearing being hospitalized and fearing nurses, doctors, and hospitals, and then desiring to try every diet that seems working for others, assist myself to see the the body and food as equal to my expression and assist myself through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, find out how i separated from the body and nature and food and correct myself within that, redefining words and using them as equal to my expression

I commit myself to assist myself through writing, self-forgiveness and self corrective application to instead of hiding and blaming others for my suffering, i will redefine the words which i gave a negative value to - which i react to, stop reliving memories of me being hurt by my grandmother's sewing machine seeing that it is the past that i am relieving at this moment - which is me time travelling withinmy mind-  and just take self-responsibility for operating machineries like sewing machines, driving a car and learning how to operate them so i can stop myself from hurting my body and wrecking the machine. 

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, i assist myself to instead of fearing i start looking at what stops me from looking at my world, forgiving and correcting myself in my living -  to birth me here as life and birth life in this world - as standing for what is best for all on  EAR-th.

I commit myself to release the memories as pictures, as desires etc. within and as myself and let go of the separation within and as myself and stand with the physical in breath by breath, moment by moment.

I commit myself to instead of fearing pain and suffering and connecting/defining those words within/to other words such as hospitals,  nurses and doctors, to redefine these words and forgive myself for defining and connecting these words within/to other words and instead of using them as separate from me as i charge these words with a positive or negative value, i release the energy charge i give it and use it as equal to my expression.

I commit myself to rather than fear not having a roof over my head i assist in establishing a world that truly honors life based on equality - where everyone will get the basic necessities to survive - as all would get a roof over their head - and live in dignity

Embracing Sadness : Fear of Sadness: Desire for Happiness SF Day 188

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This is a continuation of this Blog

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-word-here-day-178-connected-to.html

I have blogged in my previous blogs about the 'Happiness' character,  as who i have become within my desire to be 'happy' as, that was what drive me to do/have :

'Happiness' from Eating Noodles:
 http://foodandnutritionjunejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/10/food-and-nutrition-noodles-philippine.html
'Happiness' from Yoga and Meditation
 http://juneroca.com/my-process/tantrik-yogi-character/
'Happiness' from Prayer
http://juneroca.com/my-process/jesus-mary-and-prayer/

'Happiness' from doing Zen Meditation
 http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-breath-21-days-breathing-sf-zen.html
Happiness from going to Philippine Picnics
 http://juneroca.com/2012/10/20/picnics-as-happiness/
'Happiness' from Relationships and Sex
 http://juneroca.com/my-process/sex-and-relationships/


So, in this blog, i will look at and write self-forgiveness statements for the opposite polarity of that, which is  really what is driving me to desire 'happiness', my fear of sadness, fear of pain, fear of suffering, fear of death and essentially, fear of 'not existing' and the origin of my 'desire for happiness being my fear of sadness'

For context about self-forgiveness, go to this link, http://juneroca.com/my-process/self-forgiveness/

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed  myself to create a relationship with fear of sadness defining myself within the 'fear of being sad

 - where what made me sad is seeing the poor in the Philippines


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being poor


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money to buy something to eat

- where i have taken this experience within a memory, of when i was a child seeing some poor people in the Philippines not having food to eat - not having money to buy food to eat- where i saw them in a condition i will not want myself to be, as i travel with my mom around town asking for people to vote for her as a candidate for counsellor in the town where we live, i saw:

a family, in a small hut with floors made of sand 4 square meters big, doing nothing, wearing dirty clothes staring at me with apathy, silent, not uttering a single word, resolved to being that poor for the rest of their lives - where when i looked at their stove which wass made of clay with 3 stones mounted on top, and an empty pot with no electrc power nor water source - i wonder how they live, or how i could help, but i was a child
so i could not even help myself - where the only thing i believed i could do is pity them, and so i did.So, i commit myself to when and as  i see myself feeling sorry for the poor and giving them pity, i stop, i breathe. I bring myself back here and realise this current monetary system is being supported by me, the same monetary system that supports poverty, so i commit myself to assist in establishing a world that truly honors life based on equality where all gets the basic necessities they need to survive.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to - within my fear of sadness suppress my anger of  being in a world that does not honor the equality of life - and to rather than suppress my anger, i commit myself to when and as i see myself suppress my anger, i stop - i breath and change my starting point and assist myself to instead of standing in a platform of me being separate from all life, where i judge, compete, fear, desire, suppress etc. to be 'happy'. I commit myself to instead, assist myself to stand in a stable platform of equality, where i can embrace and equalize with/as who i really am as everything that is here, sadness, happiness, anger, fear, suppression, redefine these words, and use them as equal to my expression and assist in establishing a world that truly honors life based on equality

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'I Want To Do Something Now!' Day 187 Postponement Character fear Dimension 2

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This is a continuation of this Blog

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/10/what-to-do-when-bored-shoulders-are.html

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how i still, place my wants needs and desires before physical, reality responsibility that will determine my relationship to me, others and my future in this world - in this utilizing the postponement character as a means to justify 'making myself feel better' for placing my wants and desires before physical practical responsibility where i as the postponement character initiate the reactions of fear of missing out/losing out on that something else - event - if i place responsibility before my want and needs and so allows myself to manipulate myself with fear in relationship to my wants and needs instead of being here, stable in/as breath qne doing things that needs to be done.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how i would still, to this day, with facing a responsibility, blame the education system, my teachers, parents or even the responsibility itself  as taking away from me the fulfillment of my wants and needs in moments in time where i know i have to tend to responsibilities but wants to satisfy my wants, desires and needs first - and so will blame education, assignment, teachers, professors, parents - anything/anyone i can blame/exert my own inner conflict to, as i know what i am accepting and allowing that i am angry and frustrated with myself in this inner battle between my wants, needs and desires and the responsibilities or tasks that is here before me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame everything/everyone else for 'taking away' my opportunities/time to satisfy my wants, needs and desires  - where i justify me satisfying my wants before tending to the practical physical reality responsibilities

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how i still from childhood hold onto this relationship or conflict with time and the here of my world/ reality within the relationship to responsibility - as i still from childhood place my wants before my life in this world and reality

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how we've created this world system - this entire entertainment world - which is the postponement world system - with its prerogative entertaining and catering to the wants and needs of humans - the entire living condition of 'i want it now' - that which money can buy - where humans  place their wants and desires before their responsibility to humanity and this world as a whole - facing the consequences of placing wants and needs before what is here as our responsibility to this physical existence - establishing real solutions to manifest a heaven on earth where there's physical balance between preference and responsibility - instead of a minority satisfying my wants and desires in the expense of the rest of humanity and this physical existence


I commit myself to assist me to no more accept and allow the fear of missing out on my wants to overpower and control me in moments of facing reponsibility - as i see and realise i am not really missing out on anything  - this indicate that i need to sort out my definition/priorities regarding what responsibility is in fact in relationship to myself. my world and my future within it

I commit myself to stop blaming others for the responsibilities i require doing, stop placing my wants before reality as the physical that is real and get into the grips of reality - realising that nothing can change unless i get my priorities straight - in seeing that whatever  i see in my mind is not real if it exist at the sacrifice of humanity with the wants i possess  in my life through money and money's relationship to humanity and this existence as a whole.

I commit myself to instead of satisfying my wants and desires - stand and decide for what is best for all

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application - stop the memories, as pictures, desires  etc.  within and as myself and let go of the separation within and as myself and stand with the physical in every breath that i take.

VS Pulling Mom's Hair: 'Who am I?' I am The 'I Pity My Mom' Character I Chose To Become Day 116

Life Tools

Agreement Course

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Self-forgiveness

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Stepping out Of Character

I am doing self-forgiveness to stop, delete or step out of the 'i pity my mom' energy character and birth me as the real character - as flesh and blood -as the physical - through commitment to correct myself in every moment of breath - and birth me here as all Life - standing for what is best for all..

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What is self-forgiveness?

“Speaking self forgiveness is like – ‘saying sorry to yourself’, but in more deep and intimate way. Saying sorry to yourself for separating yourself from yourself, from not realising that you can actually help yourself, from making your life difficult for yourself, from being hard on yourself, from not helping yourself. And in this self forgiveness as ‘saying sorry to yourself’ you then release yourself / set yourself free from your past so that you can help yourself to create a new future for yourself inside yourself. Through self forgiveness, you let go of the burdens of the past in your mind that is haunting you, and set yourself free to take your power back to change yourself, for yourself.” ~ Sunette Destonian Spies

Self-forgiveness is the act of rebirth and giving self to self through letting the past as self go and creating a new self that can be trusted to always be what is best for all. Bernard Poolman

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The Event:
I saw my mom being hurt by VS -when i was young. i saw VS pulling her hair  when i was about 6-8 yrs old.

'I Pity My Mom' Character
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i pity my mom' character which i became aware of when i saw my mom being hurt by VS when i was about 6-8 years old - where her long black hair is being pulled in an argument that i witnessed in the kitchen. - within this, i forgive myself to believe that pitying my mom is good and not pitying her is bad - through this,  i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define me within pity or no pity - a polarity manifestation of /as the mind.

The Subconscious Mind

Backchats: 

'I felt I have to protect my mom'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to fear pain and so desire to help others get out of pain as the 'fear pain desire to get others out of pain' character
I forgive myself that  i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat to fear being a victim of abuse so desire to protect my mom from abuse
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to justify not helping my mom - and through the use of feeling - feel the need to protect my mom -as a form of 'help given to her' - where empathy is equated to helping her - instead of saying 'stop pulling her hair
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify the desire to be protected in my relationships- and remaining as that character - as a consequence of acting out the 'fear pain desire to get others out of pain' character.

'She's unable to protect herself'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to judge my mom as unable to protect herself - in essence judging her as less than myself and me more than myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to  fear being unprotected and so desire to be protected by my relationship partners all my life - as a consequence of acting out this character - an alternate version of me - i believed to be me

'She is trying to hide the pain by not crying'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to believe she is trying to hide the pain by not crying - projecting my fear of pain from my hair being pulled by another.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within pain and no pain

'I know she’s hurt, she's just being strong'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to judge my mom as self-dishonest - pretending to be strong when i saw her as weak - where i connected her not crying when her hair is being pulled by VS - as pretense.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself when i cry - where i copied what i believed my mom did by suppressing tears from coming out - when i want to cry when people are around - as a consequence of being the 'i am pretending' energy character - judging my mom as less than myself when she did not cry and me more than myself when i cry- i also judged myself as less than myself when i cry - so suppress myself from crying -spiting the physical - as who i am - as flesh and/as blood- as the tears - as the tear duct - as the eyes - as the body - that which is assisting me unconditionally to move around in the physical universe and assisting me to express myself here.

'I can see that she isn't strong'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to judge my mom as less than me and me more than myself  - and judge my mother as weak for not saying anything to stop VS from pulling her hair
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to believe my mom isn't strong because of the belief that when people cry when hurt by others - that is normal - and when people do not cry when hurt by others - it is not normal.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to  define myself within normal and not normal.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself by not saying anything when someone is angry - as the 'i fear anger' character where i judge myself as less than anger - as less than the person expressing anger - diminishing myself - as who i really am - as a consequence of  acting out the 'i am weak' character - misusing the vocal cords/larynx - as equal to who i am - and instead spite the physical - as the larynx/vocal cords - by suppressing its expression - by suppressing myself to talk in self-honesty in every breath - in every moment.

'She needs someone to help her'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to fear saying something to VS to stop her from pulling my mom's hair - justifying my not taking self-responsibility to say something to stop VS from hurting her by standing there wanting someone to help her - delegating my responsibility to someone else.

'She is her mother so she has the right - and she does not have a say because she’s just the daughter'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to believe that mother's do have a right - believing mother's hurting her kid is allowed/okay/good and the daughter saying something to stop being hurt by her mother is a form of 'answering back' to her mother  - therefore, is bad - because our culture says so - defining myself within the rules of the Filipino culture.

'I want to help but I am  just the the grandaughter'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to abdicate responsibility for saying something to stop VS from pulling my mom's hair - desiring to help my mother but not doing it anyway - because of fear that she will scold me and hurt me too as the 'i fear taking self-responsibility so i will just be an observer' character because i am scared of the consequences of taking on that stand as the 'fear of consequences for helping someone' character - not realizing i cannot get out of consequence.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to suppress myself from stopping VS and not helping my mom 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to  use backchat as a method to judge myself as less than myself and my grandmother as more than myself - where i suppress myself - to not talk about how my parents and grandparents assist me in remaining as the energy character that i am - and to never be the real character in flesh - that is who i really am- talking about the good things that i believed they do only and being blind about the rest - in self-dishonesty - as self-sabotage.

'I am helpless, I need help myself because I am a child'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to believe i am helpless and that i need help because i am a child
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to define myself within helpful and helpless, help and no help
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to judge myself 'as a child - as less than myself and me as an adult as more than myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use back chat as a method to define myself within being a child - being an adult
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to believe that children are helpless and adults are not helpless - defining myself within helpless and not helpless 

'I felt pain seeing her being violated by VS'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to project my mom's pain to myself - where first i imagined within/as my mind how it will feel if someone pull my hair - and comparing it from a past experience - and believed it will be painful.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself between the past, present and future.

'I fear intervening because she might be angry and she might punish me'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to to use backchat as a method to fear stopping VS from hurting my mom believing she will get angry and then defining myself within the ' i fear she might punish me' character

'love can be cruel - the one who loves you and cares for you  can punish you and  hurt you and that will be acceptable'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge love as cruel believing that 'the one who loves you and cares for you can punish you and hurt you and that will be acceptable - and cruelty will be acceptable'. 

'I feel sorry for her'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat to justify not helping to stop VS from hurting my mom - and to instead just 'feel sorry for my mom' - believing that that is all i have to do - as i believed that is all i could do as a child - believing that that is enough
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by believing i can only do a little bit - or take responsibility for some parts of me and that's okay - believing others say it is so - and so it is - not realizing that i am here in every moment of breath - able to take self-responsibility for all parts of me as all life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people help children because they are helpless - and 'i am a child so i can be helpless'  
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to justify my being helpless and as consequence/effect of this believe i am really helpless so be dependent on others all my life - my mom, my dad, my relationship partners etc.- not realizing i am here in every moment as breath.

'People who love me and feed me has the right to punish me'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to believe that people who love me and feed me has the right to punish me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to spite the physical - as who i am - as the flesh as the body- within accepting and allowing others to abuse it physically.

'I will memorize this event.'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method  to delay taking self-responsibility for my mom as me - not taking responsibility in that moment the event happened - and instead memorize the event and store it in my mind - believing that if i do that i will get VS to one day face what she did for my mom - as the 'vengeance' character - defining myself within time - as taking responsibility in the future - defining myself within the 'i fear taking responsibility at this moment- so i am taking self-responsibility in the future' character - where when i stopped taking self-responsibility in that moment when i saw what was happening to my mom - and as a consequence for suppressing who i am as the real character that takes self-responsibility in every moment of breath.- i have situations where i become overwhelmed by so much stuff i have to take self-responsibility for. 

The Unconscious Mind

Body Movement: 

I am near the door, standing, body slightly bent, body twisted to the left and head turned to the left

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself 'as the body' slightly bent 'as the body' twisted to the left, 'as the head' turned to the left to express pity to my mom being hurt by VS.

Feels like crying
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself 'as the eyes' about to cry to - 'as the tear duct' about to release tears - to express pity to my mom being hurt by VS.

Heart beating fast
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself 'as the heart' beating fast to express fear that my mom will suffer so much pain.

Stomach Churning
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself 'as the stomach' churning to fear my mom will suffer too much pain

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I commit myself to when and as i see myself defining myself within the rules of the Filipino culture - where it is okay for a mother to hurt or punish a child while it is wrong for a child to say something when the mother or grandmother is doing something wrong - i stop - i breathe. i bring myself back here - i assist myself to stand as who i am - equal to all that exist and say something to stop the abuse - and make this a physical doingness by stomping my feet to the ground and saying 'i am here' - as the flesh and blood -as the physical - and say to myself 'i only accept and allow that which is best for all life'.

I commit myself to when and as i see myself defining myself within the 'i fear taking self-responsibility so i will just be an observer' character - i stop - i breathe. I assist myself to realise that i created this character out of fear of being involved in any consequence arising from me taking responsibility - to stop me from taking responsibility in every moment of breath - the consequence of which is me always late - at work - in school - making my assignments etc.- and accepting and allowing only that which is best for all life - as that is essentially what is best for me.

I commit myself to delete this ''i fear taking self-responsibility so i will just be an observer' character -as the memories, as pictures - as desires, as beliefs etc. within and as myself - and let go of the separation as desires etc. within and as myself - and stand with the physical - stomp my feet and say 'i am here' - and find the body position that supports me as the breath - that supports me as the body - and only accept and allow that which is best for all life

I commit myself to stop or delete the memories, pictures of the 'i pity my mom' character- as desires, fears, beliefs etc. within and as myself and let go of the separation - as desires etc. within and as myself and stand as who i am as the flesh and blood - as the physical - as the breath in every moment here - and only accept and allow what is best for all life.

I commit myself to when and as i see myself manipulating myself 'as the eyes' about to cry - i stop - i breathe - and find a body position that will assist me as the body - that will assist me as the breath and position my body that way .

I commit myself to when and as i see myself manipulating myself 'as the stomach' churning - i stop - i breathe and find the body position that will support me as the body - that will support me as the breath and position the body that way.

I commit myself to when and as i see myself manipulating me 'as the heart' beating fast to express fear that my mom will be hurt - i stop - and breathe - finding the body position that will support me as the body - that will support me as the breath and position the body that way.

I commit myself to - through writing, self forgiveness and self-corrective application - assist myself to stop the 'pity' character and all characters that support this character.