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Sunday, September 30, 2012

My Story: His Proposal and My Dating Experience:SF3 Day 172: Prove That You Love Me Part 4 : WAIT

 
http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/wait-prove-that-you-love-me-day-169-sf.html
This is a continuation of the Blog
 In this blog i will continue the self-forgiveness for different characters i played out in the mind's narrative in the previous blog. I am stretching this blog as i saw some characters that i played out that i missed while i was writing the previous blog, so here i will expand on my thoughts and backchats starting with the event when DSS proposed and the sexual experiences i had which is key in me looking at the patterns that i play out - to stop and birth myself here as life.

Stopping the movie that i created in my head about who i am in sex and relationships and what and why i am in sex and relationships to create a real relationship with myself and another as self - in an agreement.

The Proposal:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 

'there he is - i knew it - we'll meet again - and he will be my boyfriend - as the future projection, belief and manifesting a belief - i know' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 
'he's still handsome as he used to be - i so love this guy - i can see his plus points and negative points but his plus points outweigh the negative ones - heart racing -  as the living the past - desire to be in a relationship with someone - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the
'he's inviting me to attend his father's birthday celebration -  i am now part of the family now that i have accepted his proposal - when he said 'i will lay my cards on the table, i like you' and asking me 'what about you? and me saying 'yes' - as the acceptance of proposal - relationship is happiness' character
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I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'his younger brother is present in that celebration - and he also courted me in high school - he might be jealous - as the doubt - jealous' character


- i did not accept both of their proposal when we were in high school


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 
'i liked his brother but i said no to him when he cornered me and asked me before entering my grandmother's house - asking me if i liked him as he wrote me letters that he liked me before  - but that's because i am scared , my father said i should not have a boyfriend then - and so i also said no to his brother but i lied - i really liked his brother then - as the suppression - inferior - guilt' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I liked his brother because he was dark skinned, reserved like my dad - but not too intelligent- like my mom - judgment of form, comparison - competition' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I also liked DSS as he is light skinned almost white, and handsome - there's a look of naughtiness in his face combined with a boyish look- as the judgment of form, comparison - competition' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'what i don't like about DSS is that he get's angry when slightly provoked - by others but he never gets angry to me - and i am thinking i can tame his anger by my patience  - as the marrying someone who is angry so i can transcend my fear of anger - belief, manifestation of belief - manipulation' character


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Bringing a memory back here of when i was young, an event that happened in the kitchen as i was looking - that relates to :

Anger

Memory of VS angry with my mom and  pulling my mom's hair: 

I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i saw VS pulling the hair of my mom -  i cannot do anything because i am a child - and i am in the family and VS also takes care of me -it 's okay to be angry when you are being taken cared of by that person - as the fear of anger and accepting and allowing abuse in the family'  character

Link
http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/vs-pulling-moms-hair-who-am-i-i-am-i.html

 Memory of Anger in another incident when i had a relationship with RD:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he's jealous of me - he's angry - he must love me so much because he gets upset by little things i do - he must be watching everything that i do - that takes time and patience - but i felt diminished when he pulled my hair and threw me on the bed - as the fear of anger, love is violence, self-diminishment,  jealous, victim' character

Note: i will write a blog about this in the coming blogs

Fear of an angry dog

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear an angry dog barking as i imagined the dog hurting me - where i fear my flesh being torn apart - where fear of death and fear of not existing activate - where i can feel my heart beating fast, my stomach churning and me holding my breath.  ===

Let's look again at what happened when we attended the birthday celebration of  DSS's dad - looking at his brother seated right next to me, let's call him DRS:

In the Birthday Celebration Event of his Father:


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'DRS is reserved and good looking but he doesn't have the naughty look of DSS and his intelligence  - but it's interesting to see if he's jealous or not - i can tell if he still loves me just by looking at his eyes and his body movement - as the hoping, i am special, i got 2 people who like me in one family - winning - competition - jealousy as love -happiness' character'



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Let's look at an event when i was young - where i threw myself in front of my mom when she was being approached by a man - preventing him to dance with her - thinking he will take her away from me - where i thought he wanted to dance with my mom in a public event sponsored by our municipality- knowing my dad was abroad i did not want him to dance with her :

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 
'I  don't wan't you to dance with my mom - she's mine- she belongs to my family only - i love her - jealousy is love' character
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 Looking at the birthday celebration of DSS's dad again where his brother is seated right next to me:

I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i am seated next to RDS, his back is slightly turned against me - he's shy - he still have feelings for me - i wonder how he will feel now that i just started going out with his brother? He can be jealous - as the hoping, predicting the future - winning comes in bundles - i am special - happinesscharacter

Deciding to be in a relationship with DSS:

Dating
Sexual Experience


I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he asked me to go out with him - i am excited - this is my first date - i wonder what happens in a date? Will he touch me? I hope he will so i can experience the passion of love making - as the questioning, curious, desire for pleasure, hoping' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I wonder what's it like to be kissed?It must be heart warming - i better brush my teeth - as the i want to be kissed passionately - i want to feel good and look good - as the attracting someone, desire for pleasure and to give pleasure, hoping' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I will put on perfume to smell nice - so when he smell me he would want to touch me and kiss me - as the desire for a relationship, attracting someone, desire for pleasure and sex' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I will put a nice dress on - this yellow dress with prints on it looks sexy and the button in front of the dress will make it easier for him to touch my breast - as the desire to be noticed and desired by the male, desire for pleasure and sex' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I will put on a little make - up, then he will see me as desirable and will want to touch me and have sex with me - as the desire to be liked, desire for pleasure , desire for sex, hoping' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'so that was a kiss - now i know how it is done -it feels good because its wet and warm inside his mouth and i can feel his breath on my face  - i am sure i will feel that 'kiss of passion' in the future - and  the thing is, i finally have him as my boyfriend so i am happy - as the hoping- winning, happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'when he asked me to touch his 'jade stalk' inside the theater - i was surprised - finally i know how it feels like - it's hard - and then he touched my breast - that was a nice feeling to touch his hard jade stalk and him touching my breast at the same time - i want to have that feeling everyday - i want to marry this guy - we're meant to be together - as the excited, 'falling in love - attraction, satisfaction of desire for sex - relationship- hoping - marriage - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he wants for  me to come and spend some time in his house - i want him to touch me more - i want to experience sex as i always wondered how they do it - i imagined it will be exciting and passionate - as the hoping, projection, desire for sex -happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i am in his bedroom, the door is shut, we can have sex - will he want to? i am shy to ask him - but i want to experience that feeling again - shy, hoping, hiding -desire for sex - happiness' character


   Jealousy:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I better call him everyday - and see if he is not doing what we're doing when we're together with another woman - phone - jealousy' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I better befriend all his family members so i can go to their house often and be welcome - as the i like to be liked and accepted - manipulation' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'her sister is  jealous of me - i can tell when i am in their house she comes closer to her brother and sometimes ask him to watch tv in the other room with her and sometimes spoon feeds him when there's some nice dessert she wants him to taste - as the judgment, inferior, comparison, jealousy' character



I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application  stop playing out these characters 

I commit myself to when and as i see myself get jealous - i stop - i breathe. i realise that this is the alternate version of me trying to control the situation - believing that i can control my partner to act in a way that i like him to - within self-interest -  so to assist me to see my partner as me to look at what i am trying to control in my life and write about it and open the points and direct it - and put whatever i see in him back to myself.

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                            Continued on Part 3 - My Sexual Experiences with DSS
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  References:


Animals:
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 The 'Late' Character





This is a Continuation of this Blog

Saturday, September 29, 2012

My Story: Courtship Games, High School, College, 'Love and Jealousy': SF Part 2 : Day 171: DSS: Prove That You Love Me Part 3: The Word Wait




 



This is a continuation of the Blog


In this blog i will continue the self-forgiveness for different characters i played out in the mind's narrative in the previous blog. I am stretching this blog as i saw some characters that i played out that i missed while i was writing the previous blog, so here i will expand on my thoughts and backchats when i was starting a relationship with DSS.  

Stopping the movie that i created in my head about who i am in my relationship with the mind and who i am in my relationship to DSS.


Self-forgiveness for the Characters:


The Courtship Game

Defining me within the following characters:

With Backchats etc.


In High School:




I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he is so handsome, i wonder how he would notice me and like me? - as the female attracting the male - manipulation' character 

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he is so aloof, i wonder how i can get his attention, he's difficult to read, but what i can try is that thing i read - i will write his name and make needle holes in it and then burn it - it might work - as the control,  manipulation' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the  'I will keep this to myself because i am a Filipina and i am supposed to be a shy innocent girl - as the shy, good - moral, suppressing self, manipulation' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i cannot show him i like him - but i can beautify myself and get good grades so he will notice me - as the female attracting the male - courtship game' character 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'where is he? he's standing right there i can see by looking at the reflection of the glass - i will project a light going from my forehead to his forehead as if i am communicating to him - he looked at me - so it worked, as the belief and manifestation of belief' character

I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I have an umbrella walking home and here he is running behind me - i bet you he will play a trick on me - projecting thoughts - predicting the future - hoping' character
I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'Here he is getting into my umbrella as i walk - i enjoy this - but i cannot show him my feelings - otherwise i will just fall into his arms and embrace him - i must resist him being with me using this one umbrella - because i like him and it will show -as the shy, suppression - courtship game' character

In High School Trigonometry Class:


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'He's the only one who can solve the trigonometry problem and we have to pass the assignment - everyone is copying from him so i better copy his answers -the papers are being passed around for everyone to copy from - i bet you this is with his permission - he's got a good heart - his friend is passing it around - so i better copy - there's no other way - i cannot understand a thing of what the teacher say - trigonometry, algebra and math is difficult - i will stay away from these 3 - as the i give up, cheating, justification, self-dishonest - blame' character 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'He is so intelligent and with glasses - light skinned and handsome - he's my kind of man - i will marry this guy - i got to have him - attraction, desire and marriage -as the hoping, control, manipulating' character 

In The High School CAT Practice:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he's the commandant of the high school citizen's  army training team - he's  on top of the rest of us - and plus he's in the top ten - he's intelligent and powerful and handsome - yet he picked on me and made me squat in front of everyone putting the wooden gun on top of my arm - and it looks like he's enjoying it, i am getting angry - but i bet you he just needs some attention from me that's why he did it - as the suppression - inferior - wanting someone superior - relationship - suffering as happiness' character


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he wrote me a letter saying he likes me -my efforts for him to notice me worked - as the winning, successful, relationship manipulation' character

In The Prom

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 
'i wonder if he will dance with me? I don't want to dance with anyone but him - as the desire to be in a relationship - dancing together - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he's not going to be my partner in the prom? - as the disappointment, sad' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'don't come and get me to dance with you, my other classmates, i am waiting for DSS to dance with me - as the desire to dance with another,   special man - hoping' character

Jealousy:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he's the partner of my other classmate- she's sexy - i am jealous ' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'there's a new girl who is tall and she comes from the US and i see him talking to him - she's intelligent, white skinned and tall like him - jealous' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'her sister is really beautiful - i wonder if he likes women that is as beautiful as her - comparison - inferior- jealous' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he got the top grade in the college entrance exam - 99% -he's going to the best college in the city - i just got a 96% - so i better ask my parents if i can go to a school near where he's going to - as the comparison - inferior - manipulating my parents - hoping' character

Seeing his friend in the cafe below my dormitory after we graduated from high school:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'that's his friend - and he's always with him - i bet he's around here somewhere - as the attraction, missing him -building a future relationship - happiness' character
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Continued on Part 2 - The Proposal
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References:


Animals:
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 The 'Late' Character





This is a Continuation of this Blog

Friday, September 28, 2012

Wait: Prove That You Love Me Part 2 SF: Day 170 Characters Jealousy Blame Happiness



Animals:
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My 21 Days Breathing
Daily Blogs

This is a Continuation of this Blog


My 'Experience' Of The Word Wait
Stopping the Mind Narrative
Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'wait for me - you love me don't you? - if you do you'll be patient - i desire to be special and superior - because i feel normal and inferior -manipulation' character  


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the ''stand and wait for me while i beautify myself to entertain you - because you were so illusive in the past - making me suffer - and now that i got you - you have to suffer also - so we're even - competition in relationships- winning as happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I am important - let him wait and suffer - while i entertain myself - as the blaming him for my suffering when we were in high school - as the blame' character 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 
'let him suffer - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the  'I do not like to wait because he might not come - as the shameful, inferior, doubting' character




I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the
'I will make him wait - as he made me wait when we were in high school - as i was attracted to him then - but he did not really pay that much attention to me at that time - as the vengeful, spiteful, blaming' character 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I enjoy it when someone suffer and wait for me - as love is suffering and waiting - spiteful' character 


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'you have proven your love - you are patient - you are the kind that will die for me - you are my kind of a man - i love you - i want to marry you - please ask me now - i like to be married with you - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'love is doubt and manipulation - competing with another - playing the game to win - as the winning in competition desiring to be happy' character



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'show me you are patient by waiting for me and prove you deserve my love - so i can bear your kids -and live happily ever after in a relationship - desiring to be happy' character
''show me you are patient by waiting for me and prove you deserve my love - so i can bear your kids - live ever after - relationship - eternal happiness' character 


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'if you become angry and spite me - i will spite you back - as the blaming, spiteful' character
A similar event that happened when i was a child:


 I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 

'i am scared to tell her - she will get upset as the suppression and fear of anger desiring to be happy' character 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 

 'i am angry and i am blaming you for making me angry because of what you did as the blame and spiteful -yet after  eating tasty food you made - my blame turned to love for you - entertainment as happiness' character




I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 
'you made me feel unimportant and inferior - so i am blaming you - blame' character 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 

'where are you going?  what are you doing? -i am  suspicious that you are hiding something - blaming you as the suspicious, jealous, blaming' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the  
'i will not say anything - just give me food and make me happy - to make me forget what you did - entertain me - food bribe happiness' character

As My Mom:


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i am wandering and not taking responsibility for letting others in the family know where i am going - as the self - interest first, freedom seeking, i don't care ' character 


Let's look at my childhood - where i feel controlled when my dad tells me to ask permission before i go out and tell him where i am going :


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'ask permission before you go anywhere and tell me where you are going - i am your dad and you are my child - possessive - superior- controlling' character  - where i followed what he said and just stayed at the house and served him coffee - defining me within the 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'serving my dad coffee - i am a good child - suppression - inferior - i like to preserve peace - fear of anger and punishment - peace is happiness' character 



As My Mom:


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'you are procrastinating - do what you're told - finish the house - inferior trying to be superior - disgusted - desiring a nice house - controlling' character 


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 
'he's okay - he loves me - so let him be -being liked as justification to being self-dishonest - as the i like to be liked' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the
'desire to always agree with someone - to preserve peace - desiring happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'fear of upsetting someone - suppression' character


As My Dad:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'ask permission before you go anywhere and tell me where you are going - i am your dad and you are just my child - possessive - superior - controlling' character


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'making you coffee - inferior - pleasing dad - as the suppression, happiness' character

More Self-forgiveness for self-definition in the coming blogs

Thursday, September 27, 2012

WAIT: Prove That You Love Me Day 169 SF Jealousy : My Dad: Happiness Character





Animals:
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My 21 Days Breathing
Daily Blogs

 The 'Late' Character



This is a Continuation of this Blog

The Mind Character's Narrative
My 'Experience' Of The Word Wait

In this blog i am opening these characters and in the next blogs i will direct them using self-forgiveness and self-commitment to correct myself within self-corrective application breath by breath moment by moment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ask people to wait for me - connecting someone waiting to that person loving me - believing that the reason why someone is waiting for me is because i am special - defining myself within the

 'wait for me - you love me don't you? - if you do you'll be patient - i desire to be special and superior - because i feel normal and inferior -manipulation' character 

-  where when i was in college i asked my ex - husband to wait for me for hours when we were scheduled to have a date - defining me within the 

''stand and wait for me while i beautify myself to entertain you - because you were so illusive in the past - making me suffer - and now that i got you - you have to suffer also - so we're even - competition in relationships- winning as happiness' character

 -during the courtship stage - and asked him to wait for me downstairs - when i was living in a dormitory - while i chat with my friends upstairs - defining myself within the 

'I am important - let him wait and suffer - while i entertain myself - as the blaming him for my suffering when we were in high school - as the blame' character 

where - only when he arrived and the intercomm lady tell me that he's there -  will i start having a shower - not wanting to take a shower and wait  - for fear of him not arriving - so not having a shower early - to save me from shame - and then redeeming me from shame - by making him wait - enjoying that positive energy experience of making him suffer - and at the same time being guilty of what i was doing - not realising it was what i made  me believe within/as my mind - as what i created as the alternate version of me and him within/as my mind - and the characters i play in relationship to one another - like a movie - where i always win as the main character -where the consequence is - making the physical suffer for that energy fix - as the mind needs energy from the physical to survive - defining myself within the following characters:

'let him suffer - happiness' character

'I do not like to wait because he might not come - as the shameful, inferior, doubting' character

'I will make him wait instead - as he made me wait when we were in high school - as i was attracted to him then - but he did not really pay that much attention to me at that time - as the vengeful, spiteful, blaming' character

'I enjoy it when someone suffer and wait for me - as the love is suffering and waiting - spiteful' character

 - him still standing outside the door when i go down - as he did not like to come inside and prefers to stand outside to wait - where after an hour or so i come down and him asking me what movie i want to watch - defining myself within the

'You have proven your love - you are patient - you are the kind that will die for me - you are my kind of man - i love you - i want to marry you - please ask me now - i like to be married with you - happiness' character

- believing that that was love - not realizing that i made it all up within/as my mind - thinking that feeling and emotion is who i am as the physical - not realizing that i manifested my ideas and beliefs within the physical - where i become an animated illusion - defining myself within the

'love is doubt and manipulation - competing with another -playing the game to win - as the winning in competition - happiness ' character

 - believing that him doing that is him loving me - because he proved he is patient and that we can have a lasting relationship together - defining me within the 

''show me you are patient by waiting for me and prove you deserve my love - so i can bear your kids - live ever after - relationship - eternal happiness' character 

-  believing that when he will not wait for me and become impatient and angry when i come down he is not worthy of my love - defining myself within the

 'if you become angry and spite me - i will spite you back  - as the blame, spiteful' character 


so let's have a look at a similar event that happened when i was a child

 -  where when my mom is not home and i don't know where she went -  i chose to wait for her to arrive home - and while waiting i criticized her for not telling me where she went  yet cannot tell her  what i observed - when she arrived home because she will get upset - defining myself within the 

'i am scared to tell her - she will get upset - suppression - fear of anger' character 

- where when  she disappeared for the whole day and i do not know where she went - i become upset - yet when she's home  and as she cooks dinner - cooking my favorite food - where upon tasting the food, i  suppressed the anger i felt  - and blamed her  -  defining myself within the

 'i am angry and i am blaming you for making me angry because of what you did - blame- spite - eating tasty food you made - blame turned to love - happiness' character

 - believing that she made me feel unimportant and inferior than her when she did not tell me where she's going - defining me within the 

'you made me feel unimportant and inferior - blame' character 

- believing that when someone does not tell me where one is going  - and what she's doing - i feel that something is being hidden from me -   defining me within the 

'where are you going? - what are you doing? - suspicious - you are hiding something - blame' character

- not realizing that within me  suppressing me i validated what she did -  accepting and allowing it as okay -  her cooking my favorite food - which i equated to her loving me - defining me within the 

'i will not say anything - just give me food and make me happy - to make me forget what you did - entertain me - happiness' character

- not realizing that what i am doing is accepting and allowing her to be the 'wandering not taking responsibility for letting others know where i am' character - which i now have accepted and allowed me to become - within the pattern that i live - as i make others wait when i do not do my assignment as i let my ex-husband wait - where this pattern remains unseen by me as i was not looking and blogging and not using self-forgiveness and self-corrective application - so i am taking self-responsibility here - writing , looking, self-forgiving and correcting me breath by breath moment by moment.


Let's look at my childhood - where i feel controlled when my dad tells me to ask permission before i go out and tell him where i am going - defining me within the 

'ask permission before you go anywhere and tell me where you are going - i am your dad and you are my child - possessive - superior- controlling' character  - where i followed what he said and just stayed at the house and served him coffee  -  where i followed what he said and just stayed at the house and served him coffee - defining me within the 

'serving my dad coffee - i am a good child - suppression - inferior - i like to preserve peace - fear of anger and punishment' character 

while he stays in the living room working on a big table drawing his house plan - being an engineer designing our house at that time 


Let's bring the memory of my mom always telling my dad 'you have no house that is finished. They are all unfinished' - where my mom is referring to my dad designing our house and then building the concrete house with a second floor but then only finishing the first floor and not finishing the second floor - where he made another house in the corner of lot in another location in that same town - and it was also unfinished - until we sold it to my grandmother - and the house that he built near the city which is in another suburb - he also did a 2 story house but left the second floor unfinished with part of the first floor unfinished - where when i heard my mom say this all the time - i had a backchat, 'it's okay because that's the way he is and besides the house can be sold and you can make money from it - so why complain - just take it as it is and not say anything because when you say something - he will be upset and there will be an argument' - where within this, i accepted and allowed me to say yes to procrastination - where i gave life to that same character all my life - without seeing and realising the outflow and consequence of that acceptance and allowance 

- and where i can see my fear of having disagreements showing up here - where i am suppressing myself to speak up about what i see - because i fear saying something that will upset someone who like me -defining myself within the

'fear of disagreements - fear of not being liked - fear of pointing out what is not best for all - i like peace and agreement - passive - suppression - happiness' character 

- believing that when we will have a disagreement that person will end up not liking me - so i end up suppressing me


Let's look at another memory here - where i feel controlled when my dad tells me to ask permission before i go out and was told to tell him where i am going before i go out the door - defining me within the 

'ask permission before you go anywhere and tell me where you are going - i am your dad and you are my child - possessive - superior- controlling' character  - where i followed what he said and just stayed at the house and served him coffee while he stays in the living room working on a big table drawing his house plan - being an engineer designing our house at that time 


and looking at my relationships in the past where i have waited for the man to ask me to  marry him - defining myself within the 

''i am waiting for you to ask me to marry you - hoping that you will ask in the near future - successful - relationship - do not ask me to wit too long because when i become impatient i will leave you for another one - blame' character

- first being asked to be engaged with him and then eventually being asked to marry him - where within this desire for the man to ask me for marriage - i became a character that he will like  doing what he likes and him doing what i like so we both become the mind characters that we  play out - where i strive to be the right woman for the man - manipulating myself to be an alternate version of me within/as my mind - so that he will end up asking me for marriage - hoping that i will end up with someone living happily ever after - defining myself within the 

'i like you - i love you - i cannot live without you - i want to  marry you - relationship - special someone - eternal happiness' character


Let's have a look at my relationships in the past - where when i was married to DSS -he was asking my permission when he wants to attend events and i made sure that i was also with him when he attends events at work  - as i also wanted to know that he does not flirt around with other females in those events - protecting our relationship - with the intention to make an eternal - lasting relationship with him - defining me within the 

'i am watching you - do not flirt - i am here to protect this relationship - i make sure you don't step out of character - suspicious - controlling - relationship - eternal happiness' character 

- so when i attended these events i watch the way he interact with the female co- workers and see if there is any flirting going on and when i saw this woman who's skin is darker than most Filipinas - let's call her DBE - skin colored dark brown - i felt jealous looking at the way she talks to my ex-husband believing that when a woman talks to a man in an extra friendly way - where she can make my ex-husband react with a smile and laughter - she is having an effect on her when she asked my ex-husband if he needs his cigarrette lighted, got my ex-husband's cigarrette and lighted it by putting it in her mouth and lighted it with her lighter



- where i connected her putting my ex-husband's cigarette in her mouth as her telling me she can get my husband and be intimate with him as i connected her putting his cigarette inside her mouth as putting a body part of him inside her mouth - so i am getting angry within me - but suppressed the anger - defining me within the 

'i am angry - but i will not show you i am - suppression - anger' character

so i can be' civil' as i believed i have to act nice when attending events - as i believed people who quarrel in events are ill- mannered - defining me within the 

'i am not ill mannered  - i have good manners - suppression - i am good - morality' character

and looking at the 'jealousy' character - where when he comes home late - i smell and look for lipstick marks on his shirt - defining myself within the 

''you can be cheating on me - i don't know - so i am spying on you - smelling - finding lipstick mark - doubt - suspicious - jealousy' character 




and when he's talking to someone on the phone - i eaves drop - defining me within the

'you could be talking and flirting with another woman - i am spying on you - eavesdropping - as the doubt - suspicious - jealous' character




where when her sister spoon feeds him when she's eating something she wants him to taste - i also get jealous



 - where my backchat is 'she is jealous of me and is competing for his attention' - defining me within the 

'i am jealous but i will not show it - suppression - as the  competition, jealous' character






and where when this happens - i hold my breath




suppressing myself from making my jealousy visible - not wanting her to see because that will mean i lost the competition - defining myself within the

'she wants to get him and i am here to protect her from doing that - i hate her guts - competition' character

 - where i am manifesting a mind reaction within the physical body transforming substance to energy.

- where i do not like waiting on people - believing i will be less than them if i wait for them - 
defining me within the

'i don't like to wait - i want everything according to how i planned it in my mind - no stepping out of character - suspicious - manipulation' character 

Let's bring a memory back here - where when i was a child my mom left to study in the city and my dad went to work abroad leaving me and my siblings under the care of my grandmother - 
where they made me wait for them for a long time - where i felt inferior than my dad and mom - and my backchat was 'they do not care for me ' - defining me within the

 'if you let me wait - i will blame you - inferior - spiteful' character

where i believed  my grandmother cares - believing that my grandmother cares for me and loves me more - defining myself within the 

'my mom and dad left me - my grandmother took care of me - she's always there - love is being here always - fear of being left alone and waiting for someone' character - 

Let's look at my past relationships with a man - where i hated waiting for the man - defining me within the 

'if you let me wait - i become suspicious you are cheating on me - suspicious - angry - spiteful' character 

I commit myself to stop giving life to these characters using writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application

Self-forgiveness for the different characters will follow

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