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Sunday, September 30, 2012

My Story: His Proposal and My Dating Experience:SF3 Day 172: Prove That You Love Me Part 4 : WAIT

 
http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/wait-prove-that-you-love-me-day-169-sf.html
This is a continuation of the Blog
 In this blog i will continue the self-forgiveness for different characters i played out in the mind's narrative in the previous blog. I am stretching this blog as i saw some characters that i played out that i missed while i was writing the previous blog, so here i will expand on my thoughts and backchats starting with the event when DSS proposed and the sexual experiences i had which is key in me looking at the patterns that i play out - to stop and birth myself here as life.

Stopping the movie that i created in my head about who i am in sex and relationships and what and why i am in sex and relationships to create a real relationship with myself and another as self - in an agreement.

The Proposal:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 

'there he is - i knew it - we'll meet again - and he will be my boyfriend - as the future projection, belief and manifesting a belief - i know' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 
'he's still handsome as he used to be - i so love this guy - i can see his plus points and negative points but his plus points outweigh the negative ones - heart racing -  as the living the past - desire to be in a relationship with someone - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the
'he's inviting me to attend his father's birthday celebration -  i am now part of the family now that i have accepted his proposal - when he said 'i will lay my cards on the table, i like you' and asking me 'what about you? and me saying 'yes' - as the acceptance of proposal - relationship is happiness' character
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I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'his younger brother is present in that celebration - and he also courted me in high school - he might be jealous - as the doubt - jealous' character


- i did not accept both of their proposal when we were in high school


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 
'i liked his brother but i said no to him when he cornered me and asked me before entering my grandmother's house - asking me if i liked him as he wrote me letters that he liked me before  - but that's because i am scared , my father said i should not have a boyfriend then - and so i also said no to his brother but i lied - i really liked his brother then - as the suppression - inferior - guilt' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I liked his brother because he was dark skinned, reserved like my dad - but not too intelligent- like my mom - judgment of form, comparison - competition' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I also liked DSS as he is light skinned almost white, and handsome - there's a look of naughtiness in his face combined with a boyish look- as the judgment of form, comparison - competition' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'what i don't like about DSS is that he get's angry when slightly provoked - by others but he never gets angry to me - and i am thinking i can tame his anger by my patience  - as the marrying someone who is angry so i can transcend my fear of anger - belief, manifestation of belief - manipulation' character


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Bringing a memory back here of when i was young, an event that happened in the kitchen as i was looking - that relates to :

Anger

Memory of VS angry with my mom and  pulling my mom's hair: 

I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i saw VS pulling the hair of my mom -  i cannot do anything because i am a child - and i am in the family and VS also takes care of me -it 's okay to be angry when you are being taken cared of by that person - as the fear of anger and accepting and allowing abuse in the family'  character

Link
http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/vs-pulling-moms-hair-who-am-i-i-am-i.html

 Memory of Anger in another incident when i had a relationship with RD:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he's jealous of me - he's angry - he must love me so much because he gets upset by little things i do - he must be watching everything that i do - that takes time and patience - but i felt diminished when he pulled my hair and threw me on the bed - as the fear of anger, love is violence, self-diminishment,  jealous, victim' character

Note: i will write a blog about this in the coming blogs

Fear of an angry dog

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear an angry dog barking as i imagined the dog hurting me - where i fear my flesh being torn apart - where fear of death and fear of not existing activate - where i can feel my heart beating fast, my stomach churning and me holding my breath.  ===

Let's look again at what happened when we attended the birthday celebration of  DSS's dad - looking at his brother seated right next to me, let's call him DRS:

In the Birthday Celebration Event of his Father:


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'DRS is reserved and good looking but he doesn't have the naughty look of DSS and his intelligence  - but it's interesting to see if he's jealous or not - i can tell if he still loves me just by looking at his eyes and his body movement - as the hoping, i am special, i got 2 people who like me in one family - winning - competition - jealousy as love -happiness' character'



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Let's look at an event when i was young - where i threw myself in front of my mom when she was being approached by a man - preventing him to dance with her - thinking he will take her away from me - where i thought he wanted to dance with my mom in a public event sponsored by our municipality- knowing my dad was abroad i did not want him to dance with her :

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 
'I  don't wan't you to dance with my mom - she's mine- she belongs to my family only - i love her - jealousy is love' character
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 Looking at the birthday celebration of DSS's dad again where his brother is seated right next to me:

I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i am seated next to RDS, his back is slightly turned against me - he's shy - he still have feelings for me - i wonder how he will feel now that i just started going out with his brother? He can be jealous - as the hoping, predicting the future - winning comes in bundles - i am special - happinesscharacter

Deciding to be in a relationship with DSS:

Dating
Sexual Experience


I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he asked me to go out with him - i am excited - this is my first date - i wonder what happens in a date? Will he touch me? I hope he will so i can experience the passion of love making - as the questioning, curious, desire for pleasure, hoping' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I wonder what's it like to be kissed?It must be heart warming - i better brush my teeth - as the i want to be kissed passionately - i want to feel good and look good - as the attracting someone, desire for pleasure and to give pleasure, hoping' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I will put on perfume to smell nice - so when he smell me he would want to touch me and kiss me - as the desire for a relationship, attracting someone, desire for pleasure and sex' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I will put a nice dress on - this yellow dress with prints on it looks sexy and the button in front of the dress will make it easier for him to touch my breast - as the desire to be noticed and desired by the male, desire for pleasure and sex' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I will put on a little make - up, then he will see me as desirable and will want to touch me and have sex with me - as the desire to be liked, desire for pleasure , desire for sex, hoping' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'so that was a kiss - now i know how it is done -it feels good because its wet and warm inside his mouth and i can feel his breath on my face  - i am sure i will feel that 'kiss of passion' in the future - and  the thing is, i finally have him as my boyfriend so i am happy - as the hoping- winning, happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'when he asked me to touch his 'jade stalk' inside the theater - i was surprised - finally i know how it feels like - it's hard - and then he touched my breast - that was a nice feeling to touch his hard jade stalk and him touching my breast at the same time - i want to have that feeling everyday - i want to marry this guy - we're meant to be together - as the excited, 'falling in love - attraction, satisfaction of desire for sex - relationship- hoping - marriage - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he wants for  me to come and spend some time in his house - i want him to touch me more - i want to experience sex as i always wondered how they do it - i imagined it will be exciting and passionate - as the hoping, projection, desire for sex -happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i am in his bedroom, the door is shut, we can have sex - will he want to? i am shy to ask him - but i want to experience that feeling again - shy, hoping, hiding -desire for sex - happiness' character


   Jealousy:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I better call him everyday - and see if he is not doing what we're doing when we're together with another woman - phone - jealousy' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I better befriend all his family members so i can go to their house often and be welcome - as the i like to be liked and accepted - manipulation' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'her sister is  jealous of me - i can tell when i am in their house she comes closer to her brother and sometimes ask him to watch tv in the other room with her and sometimes spoon feeds him when there's some nice dessert she wants him to taste - as the judgment, inferior, comparison, jealousy' character



I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application  stop playing out these characters 

I commit myself to when and as i see myself get jealous - i stop - i breathe. i realise that this is the alternate version of me trying to control the situation - believing that i can control my partner to act in a way that i like him to - within self-interest -  so to assist me to see my partner as me to look at what i am trying to control in my life and write about it and open the points and direct it - and put whatever i see in him back to myself.

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                            Continued on Part 3 - My Sexual Experiences with DSS
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  References:


Animals:
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 The 'Late' Character





This is a Continuation of this Blog

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