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Saturday, September 29, 2012

My Story: Courtship Games, High School, College, 'Love and Jealousy': SF Part 2 : Day 171: DSS: Prove That You Love Me Part 3: The Word Wait




 



This is a continuation of the Blog


In this blog i will continue the self-forgiveness for different characters i played out in the mind's narrative in the previous blog. I am stretching this blog as i saw some characters that i played out that i missed while i was writing the previous blog, so here i will expand on my thoughts and backchats when i was starting a relationship with DSS.  

Stopping the movie that i created in my head about who i am in my relationship with the mind and who i am in my relationship to DSS.


Self-forgiveness for the Characters:


The Courtship Game

Defining me within the following characters:

With Backchats etc.


In High School:




I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he is so handsome, i wonder how he would notice me and like me? - as the female attracting the male - manipulation' character 

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he is so aloof, i wonder how i can get his attention, he's difficult to read, but what i can try is that thing i read - i will write his name and make needle holes in it and then burn it - it might work - as the control,  manipulation' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the  'I will keep this to myself because i am a Filipina and i am supposed to be a shy innocent girl - as the shy, good - moral, suppressing self, manipulation' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i cannot show him i like him - but i can beautify myself and get good grades so he will notice me - as the female attracting the male - courtship game' character 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'where is he? he's standing right there i can see by looking at the reflection of the glass - i will project a light going from my forehead to his forehead as if i am communicating to him - he looked at me - so it worked, as the belief and manifestation of belief' character

I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'I have an umbrella walking home and here he is running behind me - i bet you he will play a trick on me - projecting thoughts - predicting the future - hoping' character
I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'Here he is getting into my umbrella as i walk - i enjoy this - but i cannot show him my feelings - otherwise i will just fall into his arms and embrace him - i must resist him being with me using this one umbrella - because i like him and it will show -as the shy, suppression - courtship game' character

In High School Trigonometry Class:


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'He's the only one who can solve the trigonometry problem and we have to pass the assignment - everyone is copying from him so i better copy his answers -the papers are being passed around for everyone to copy from - i bet you this is with his permission - he's got a good heart - his friend is passing it around - so i better copy - there's no other way - i cannot understand a thing of what the teacher say - trigonometry, algebra and math is difficult - i will stay away from these 3 - as the i give up, cheating, justification, self-dishonest - blame' character 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'He is so intelligent and with glasses - light skinned and handsome - he's my kind of man - i will marry this guy - i got to have him - attraction, desire and marriage -as the hoping, control, manipulating' character 

In The High School CAT Practice:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he's the commandant of the high school citizen's  army training team - he's  on top of the rest of us - and plus he's in the top ten - he's intelligent and powerful and handsome - yet he picked on me and made me squat in front of everyone putting the wooden gun on top of my arm - and it looks like he's enjoying it, i am getting angry - but i bet you he just needs some attention from me that's why he did it - as the suppression - inferior - wanting someone superior - relationship - suffering as happiness' character


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he wrote me a letter saying he likes me -my efforts for him to notice me worked - as the winning, successful, relationship manipulation' character

In The Prom

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 
'i wonder if he will dance with me? I don't want to dance with anyone but him - as the desire to be in a relationship - dancing together - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he's not going to be my partner in the prom? - as the disappointment, sad' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'don't come and get me to dance with you, my other classmates, i am waiting for DSS to dance with me - as the desire to dance with another,   special man - hoping' character

Jealousy:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he's the partner of my other classmate- she's sexy - i am jealous ' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'there's a new girl who is tall and she comes from the US and i see him talking to him - she's intelligent, white skinned and tall like him - jealous' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'her sister is really beautiful - i wonder if he likes women that is as beautiful as her - comparison - inferior- jealous' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he got the top grade in the college entrance exam - 99% -he's going to the best college in the city - i just got a 96% - so i better ask my parents if i can go to a school near where he's going to - as the comparison - inferior - manipulating my parents - hoping' character

Seeing his friend in the cafe below my dormitory after we graduated from high school:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'that's his friend - and he's always with him - i bet he's around here somewhere - as the attraction, missing him -building a future relationship - happiness' character
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Continued on Part 2 - The Proposal
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References:


Animals:
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 The 'Late' Character





This is a Continuation of this Blog

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