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Saturday, September 15, 2012

The Story of the Sheep, Me, Jesus, Cancer, Suppression and Anger: Day 154 'Late' Character


  I saw the 'desire to be early' and 'fear of being late' during the day, so as i was doing self-forgiveness and self-correction here as part of my 'Late' character Solution Blueprint for the 'Late Character' - this narrative unfolded. 


The Story of the Sheep, Jesus, Me and Anger


Self-forgiveness:

The Mind Character's Narrative

Stopping The Noise of In My Head

Stopping The Chatter Of The Characters In My Head

I am Looking at the 'Always Late' Character 
Which is connected to Many other Characters that I Give Life To Within my Mind

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be early - defining myself within the 'early bird - happiness' character- where i did not want to be yelled at by anyone when i am late - defining myself within the 'fear of others being angry' character - and looking at my boss and fearing him when he's angry - defining myself within the 'work - boss is angry' character - fearing my teacher in the elementary grades when she is angry - defining myself within the 'fearing the teacher -stick- angry' character - where i connected the stick to pain - and within this - i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to charge the stick with a negative value -  separating from the stick - i commit myself to when and as i see myself fearing the stick and giving it a negative value - i stop - i breathe. I realise the stick comes from the trunk of the tree and therefore part of nature - as life - equal to what i am made of - as all life - and as such it is not more than or less than who i am. I bring myself here and accept and allow to express myself as life - in equality and oneness to all that exist.

- and looking at me fearing my grandmother when she's angry- defining myself within the 'fearing grandmother - spank - fear of pain' character - when she spanked me and asked me to kneel on the coarse salt because i did something wrong - where the sensation of the coarse salt on my knee is uncomfortable and painful and  she at the same time asked me to put my hands up on the side while kneeling down  - that is uncomfortable for the body - defining myself within the 'fear of grandmother - salt - fear of pain' character - and when i see her get angry to the maids when they did something wrong - defining me within 'fear of grandmother - scolding maid- fear of being scolded - angry' character- having a backchat - 'she loves me she does not get angry to me but just to the maids' - equating anger with being wrong, discomfort and pain - where i connected anger to me being wrong -and connected being wrong with being inferior - as i judged anger as more than me - and my grandmother as more than me  - connecting my grandmother to authority

-and looking at me fearing my mom - when she's angry when the maid did something wrong - i saw her pinch them - 'fear of my mom - pinching maid - fear of pain- angry' character -  and was thankful that she's not pinching me - fearing the pain of being pinched as there was a memory of me being pinched by my mom where it felt painful and did not want to experience it again - defining myself within the 'i don't want to be pinched again by my mom- fear of pain' character - when i did not want to wear the dress she made for me to wear in a party - where my backchat was ' i don't want to wear this - this is not fashionable because it is made from a fabric made in Indonesia - it is not a fabric being used by teenagers' - defining me within the 'judging the fabric design as not fashionable - age- group- this is not nice - competition' character. Within this - I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the  'fear of my mom - pinching maid - fear of pain- angry' character. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i don't want to be pinched again by my mom- fear of pain' character. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the  'judging the fabric design as not fashionable - age- group- this is not nice - competition' character. I delete these memories as pictures, as desires etc. within and as myself. I let go of the separation within and as myself and stand with the physical breath by breath moment by moment.

- and looking at fearing my dad - when he's angry with my mom - where i fear them separating - and being being left with no mom or dad- defining me within the 'fear of mom and dad separating - sad' character- and so blaming myself for them being angry to each other as they were talking about money - defining me within the 'mom and dad argument - money - blaming me' character - and blaming my mom also for nagging my dad- defining me within the 'fear of separation - mom nagging dad - separation- sad- blaming mom' character.

- and looking at fearing my uncle when he's angry - let's call him DB - where within this i am blaming someone else for reacting in anger - defining myself within the 'i fear DB - physical violence - angry- bad - morality' character - where i saw him put his fist on someone - defining myself within the 'i fear DB - fist punching someone - fear of pain' character - and him shouting at my grandmother -when his voice was high pitched and  he was swearing in Filipino - 'defining myself within the 'DB swearing at my grandmother - bad - morality' character where my backchat is 'i pity my grandmother' - defining myself within the 'i pity my grandmother - DB is shouting at her - pity' character.

Looking at being late at work- where i fear my boss being angry and - fear that he will lay me off - left with no work and not be able to survive - defining myself within the 'you're late - blaming the boss - not taking self-responsibility' character and blaming myself for being late - defining myself within the 'i am late -i blame me' character within spite - defining myself within the 'i have to survive - blame' character as within me reacting to this within/as my mind - i form a relationship with my mind within - and play this out in my world 'without' - as there are slaves that are suppressing their expression for fear of their masters getting angry to them - where within this - looking at what i did when my mom gets angry - hiding in my room fearing anger - defining myself within the 'fear of mom getting angry- hiding ' character - suppressing my expression - defining myself within the 'mom is angry - scolding someone - hiding -self-suppression' character - pretending i am not affected by anger - defining myself within the 'i am meek - self-suppression' character - where within me my stomach is churning as i fear someone getting angry- defining myself within the 'i fear anger - stomach churning - body abuse' character



When i have a look at this fear - i can see that this is something i am not in control of, the mind within/as me is driving me  - so instead of facing it - i gave up on myself - defining myself within the 'i give up - fear of anger- suppression' character - and instead manipulated myself through praying to God or Mary - defining myself within the 'get out of fear of anger - pray to Jesus- manipulation' character and the ' get out of fear of anger - pray to Mary - manipulation' character

 - and by doing yoga exercises - defining myself within the ' get out of fear of anger- yoga exercises - manipulation' character - where i do different postures - manipulating the body to express 'desire for happiness' - defining myself within the 'yoga - happiness' character - where i manipulate the breath by holding it for 8 seconds as i contract and relax my muscles in every posture - believing that it is real - not knowing i am trying to manipulate the physical and transform it into energy - where when i finish yoga exercises i feel relaxed - not realizing i am manipulating the body which is real - for me to satisfy my desire for 'peace of mind' - which i believed was happiness - defining myself within the 'desire for peace - happiness' character -not realizing i am transforming physicallity to energy to be used within/as my mind - not seeing, realising and understanding that real peace only exist in my mind as i believed it is there - not seeing the commonsense that there's war being waged in my 'without' as i believe there's peace in my 'within' - a delusion of unimaginable proportion - not seeing and realising that it is in assisting in establishing a world that truly honors life based on equality in my 'without' and self-forgiving oneself for participating within ones mind and practically walking out of the noise in the mind and applying oneself here - accepting and allowing oneself to express as life for what is best for all can i truly have real peace - as i see and hear what is here - so I commit myself to when and as i see myself stretching my body body doing different postures - to assist myself to be here as breath and move as it - stopping participation in any knowledge and information given to me by my guru when i was doing it in the past and accept and allow myself to express me as as the breath when i stretch  - changing and standing within my self-corrective application.


and doing tantrik yoga meditation so  the stress will not be there - defining myself within the ' get out of fear of anger- peace of mind - tantrik yogi meditation - manipulation' character

- and later on experimenting on  zen buddhist meditation believing my thoughts is causing me suffering - defining myself within the 'thoughts make me suffer - sadness'' character - believing it will be gone - defining myself within the 'get out of fear of anger - zen meditation - manipulation' character


 - and making sure i will not suffer and be subjected to the wrath of an angry person - defining myself within the 'wrath of an angry person - inferiority' character - of what i have done so i just suppress it and turn into a meek lamb - within spite - spiting the physical/body - defining  myself within the  'fear of consequence - not taking responsibility- self-suppression' character - desiring to get a positive energy experience so i will not see the fear of anger that is manifesting in the physical - through the stomach churning - thereby creating the 'self-suppression - taking energy from the physical - cancer' character- where i come face to face to death - and as i suppressed all the negative experiences in my life because of fear of pain - so i  got a mantra from the guru to instead of facing my fears - suppress them - so in my waking hours - i synchronized the breath with a mantra - 'hang so' to instead of looking at the thoughts within/as my mind and do self-forgiveness for them and correct my application in my moment to moment breath by breath movement - i manipulated myself to put my attention on the mantra - hoping that someday i manifest what i am constantly thinking - 'hang so' - a mantra that means 'i am that' (refering to 'that' as the supreme consciousness) and as i connect death to pain -
- where as the mind transforms physicality to energy - the body/substance is being consumed - and so looking at the different characters i play in the movie within my mind  in this blog - it is clear how this movie within/as my mind require energy - so it is commonsense to see that that is consuming my physical body - as 'source' of energy eventually the body becomes ill so in 2008 i had breast Cancer - in my right breast - so i did self-forgiveness and self-correction - i had an operation  - and after about a year, the doctors said that my blood was normal. 

Through this, i  forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and define myself within the 'fear of anger - self-suppression' character - and i commit myself to when and as i suppress myself and go into inferiority - i stop - i breath and when someone is getting angry - to rather than fear and hide and suppress myself within and as my mind  - i let go of the separation within and as myself  - bring myself back here - sloooow myself down - and accept and allow myself  to stand with the physical in every breath that i take.

 Looking at my 'fear of anger' - where anyone that mimics the tone of voice of my mom, my uncle, my dad - and their facial expression with hand body movements which i saw when i was young - my mind activates the main character in my head and the noise continues - and instead of being here as breath i am transported to the past - living the past within this moment - where i am not here but in an alternate reality within/as my mind -  defining myself within the 'memory of anger - suppression' character - and within this- blaming them for being angry and blaming myself for reacting in fear - within spite - so i spite my dad when he is angry - defining myself within the 'dad is angry - spite' character- i spite my mom when she is angry - defining myself within the 'mom is angry - spite' character - i spite my grandmother  when she's angry - defining myself within the 'grandmother is angry - spite' character and spiting my ex-husband when he's angry- defining myself within the 'husband is angry - spite' character - i spite my kids when they are angry - defining myself within the 'kids are angry - spite' character - i spite my aunts when they are angry - defining myself within the 'aunt is angry - spite' character -  while acting like a meek lamb so i will be liked by everyone - defining myself within the 'meek as a lamb - inferior' character- projecting that to others - where i believed my 2 uncles - let's call them DE and DW - believing they are 'meek as a lamb' who i believed married my aunts who 'get angry at them for little things' - judging my aunt within that belief as superior - defining myself within the 'my aunt is superior- angry' character - judging anger as more than myself - defining myself within the 'anger is superior - inferiority' character


let's look at anger again this time within blame  - blaming myself for being late - when i have to do yoga exercises to feel good before going to work believing that work is a crude undertaking - defining myself within the 'money is evil' character - believing it is only for people who are not spiritual - defining myself within the 'money is not spiritual' character - where i am mostly  late because of the excuse that i have to get a positive energetic experience from doing yoga and meditation first before going to the crude undertaking that i call 'working' - defining myself within the 'yoga and meditation - before work -addiction' character - where i belived i cannot exist without that energy fix - which i get from yoga and meditation - like an energy addict that cannot live live without the energy fix - defining myself within the 'yoga and meditation energy- fix addiction 'character - so judging work as inferior and a'positive energy experience' from yoga and meditation as superior defining myself within the'energy as superior - judgment' character - and so having the energy fix before i go to work - having the excuse that i have to survive as a 'positive - happiness' character - justifying that - by believing i have to have a positive energy experience to survive - defining myself within the 'positive experience - survival- justification' character 




and looking at the time when i was late at work - i blamed me for being late - and not fast enough - defining me within the 'slow- wants to be fast- competition' character  'i am late -i blame me' character - and blaming the world system for having to work to survive - defining me within the 'working to survive- blame' character - spiting the boss for being angry - defining myself within the 'boss is angry i am late - spite' character - where i did not see, realise and understand that i created all these characters within my mind - in an alternate reality where i am an alternate version of myself - separating myself from what is here as the body/physical - where i existed to survive - defining myself within the 'i have to survive - blame' character  - where i formed a relationship with my mind 'within' - and play this out in my world 'without' - as i created this world system by participating in alternate reality within and as this fear manifest in my body in my interaction with others in my 'without' and others as me- support this world system the way i do - together we created a world where there are slaves in different industries - where like a 'meek lamb' we suppress our selves because of fear - suppressing their expression for fear of their masters getting angry to them - where within this - looking at what i did when my mom gets angry - hiding in my room fearing anger - defining myself within the 'fear of mom getting angry - angry' character - suppressing my expression - defining myself within the 'self-suppression' character - pretending i am not affected by anger - defining myself within the 'i am meek - self-suppression' character - where within me my stomach is churning as i fear -


 where, looking at the sheep - i behave like a sheep in the house - and looking at the animals - as the sheep in this world - where people inflict pain on them in this physical existence due to greed for money and profit by selling wool
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Sheep Abuse

As The People Abusing The Sheep Through Mulesling

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to practice mulesing - using garden shears to carve chunks of skin and flesh from the lamb's or young sheep's backside in an attempt to create smoother skin and flesh from the lamb's backside. 

I commit myself to assist in establishing a world that truly honors life based on equality - where the sheep can express itself without it's animals and plants are not harmed and slaughtered for profit and all live as equals, animals, plants humans etc.
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  Mulesing is a barbaric procedure in which Australian farmers use garden shears to carve chunks of skin and flesh from the lamb's backsides in a crude attempt to create smoother skin that won't collect moisture and attract flies. But the exposed, bloody wounds often attract flies before they heal, or they become infected. Many sheep who have undergone the mulesing mutilation still suffer slow, agonizing deaths from flystrike. 
 http://www.peta.org/b/thepetafiles/archive/2011/08/08/grocery-giant-rejects-lamb-mutilation.aspx

Assistance from the Sheep:
'... I’d like to bring one into within this interview is how it is thus within human being’s dependency on the external to maintain that energy physical mind -physical relationship is that that caused  in the very fabric structural design of your physical body an exceptional amount of flaws, of deteriorations and weaknesses which is why humans throughout human civilization in fact really struggled physically to adapt and to evolve with this physical existence and require that external imprints of medications as encodings as symbols that was required to be constructed through the medications to patch up the flaws the weaknesses the impairments within the very physical body design structure and manifestation  whereas with us animals we naturally evolved and adapted with this physical existence but even us the physical impairments, the flaws the deterioration  was so consequential …’  Interview With The Sheep by Sunette Spies

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and looking back at the meek character where i suppress myself :

where within feeling sad when  someone is angry - defining myself within the 'someone is angry - sad' character -judging people who are angry  as more than myself - defining myself within the 'be careful - he's angry - he will hurt me' character -where i fear physically being hurt by another - defining myself within the 'fear of pain' character - where looking at my childhood and when i bring it back here - i can see my uncle  - who my family said was the 'blackship' in the family - let's call him BD - where when he drinks -  i saw him swearing at my grandmother and punch other men who he had a disagreement with and in fear i slumber into bed inside the house so i will not be exposed to such wrath -  as when i was 6-8 years old - i hear loud noises when he was being handcuffed by the police - outside in the streets - and i hear gun shots being fired - connecting the gun shots to death - defining myself within the 'gunshots - fear of death' character - where i feel my stomach churning because of fear that the cops will shot him and he will die - defining myself within the 'fear of being shot' character and where-  someone said he's in the hospital recovering from the shot - me connecting the hospital to operations which i connected to pain - fearing going to the hospital - defining myself within the 'fear of hospitals' character - and hearing that they operated on him - but had to leave metal pieces within his body - defining myself within the 'fear of having metal pcs in the body - fear of pain' character - traumatized by the incident - defining myself within the 'fear of traumatizing incidents - fear of pain' character and so also fear being operated on because i connected the scalpel that doctors use to pain - defining myself within  the 'fear of operations & scalpels - fear of pain' character  - separating myself from the angry person - which is me judging anger more than myself and me less than myself - and so me suppressing me - within spite - of who i am as self - as the physical - where within this i develooped a desire to be happy as a coping mechanism - defining happiness as absence of anger - where everyone is smiling and laughing - defining myself within the 'desiring laughter - fear of anger' character- where i connected the tone of voice and the sound of voice to the emotion of anger and believed it is bad to get angry and good to be happy -not realizing that when i am separating myself from the physical when i suppress myself and feel inferior when someone shouts as me - i am spiting and blaming the physical - that i am in this world tryong to survive - yet being subjected to angry people - not realizing that within that i am existing as blame - blaming the very substance i am made of - equal to all that exist.Through this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed  myself to fear anger - defining myself within the 'fear of others getting angry' character - and feeling inferior to the one getting angry - defining myself within the 'please don't be angy - inferior' character  - and to hide and keep quiet avoiding to be near the angry person - defining myself within the ' i fear anger - hiding' character - where seeing this i can see that my desire for being happy and doing all the things i do to be happy - is coming from fear of anger - which is essentially fear of being inferior - which is fear of not existing as the mind character i have become.


Stopping The Narrative of The Story In My Head

                                                          Self-commitment:

I commit myself to when and as i see myself desiring to be early - coming from the starting point of fear of being late - i stop - i breath. I bring myself back here and assist me to see that in this fear is me not wanting to be yelled at or punished and fear of someone inflicting pain on me  -  where i  fear others yelling at me and fear someone getting  angry when i did something wrong or is late - so desire the 'opposite' - as i desire to be praised when i am early and desire to be told i am a 'role model' - desiring to be superior than others - and fear of being inferior - so this desire to be early is coming from fear of being late  - and fear of my boss getting angry. So instead of fear directing me - to assist myself to stop and breathe. I stand with the physical,  letting go of the memories, as pictures as desires etc. within and as myself  and letting go of the separation within and as myself - and stand with the physical breath by breath moment by moment.

I commit myself to direct myself to stop self-suppressing me when i fear people who are angry or fearing pain etc. I accept and allow me to direct me to express who i am as life.

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be on time - coming from the starting point of fear of being late - which is me reacting in making myself avoid the person - or maiking sure i am not in the vicinity of that person - where i can see i am avoiding seeing me within anger - not realizing facing who i am as anger is  being able to look and stop - which is what will free me from separating from myself

Self-commitment: I commit myself to when and as i see myself desiring to be on time - coming from the starting point of fear of being late -separating from what is here by going within my mind -  i stop - i breathe.and accept and allow myself to see that this fear is coming from me not liking others to put me down or punish me - so to stop fear of being put down - and stop fear of being punished - and stop fear of not being the best - believing that if i am early - i am superior to others-  I bring myself here - slooow myself down and  to be here and see what is here - as the physical. 
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