The Breath: 21 Days Breathing: SF: ZEN MEDITATION 1 Part 5 Day 3 Ten Hours Breath Awareness JTL Blog Day 144

 

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SELF-FORGIVENESS

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This is a continuation of these Blogs:

http://juneroca.com/my-process/the-21-days-breathing/

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The Creations Journey To Life 

Narrative And true Activism

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/day-141-narrative-and-true-activism.html

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The MIND CHARACTER

The 'Observing the Breath' Character

The MIND CHARACTER'S NARRATIVE with Self-forgiveness 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to stop my mind by observing my breath daily - based from fear of not stopping the mind - which is fear of suffering - defining myself within the 'i am observing my breath' character - perceiving myself separate from the breath - trying to be in control - defining myself within the 'controlling breath - observing breath' character - as i fear that i am not in control of my breath and am not aware of it - defining myself within the 'fear of not being in control - observing breath' character where - i believed that i can be free from suffering - coming from fear of suffering by having many thoughts within/as my mind - so trying to eliminate the thoughts - by manipulating me as breath - believing that if i just acknowledge thoughts as they appear they will go - not realizing that my starting point for doing this is fear - fear of suffering - defining myself within the 'fear of suffering - observing breath' character - which is me as the mind character deciding based on fear - not me as self - walking and looking who i have become and forgiving my participation within/as my mind - correcting myself to birth the real character that is me - as the  flesh - as the breath in every moment here - where what i was doing  in 2008 was, i tried to observe the breath and not allow any thoughts to come in - a decision based on fear of suffering - coming from fear of having so many thoughts - as thoughts equals noise in my head - defining myself within 'fearing mind noise as thoughts - observing breath' character - desiring peace of mind so decided to watch my breath and let go of thoughts - defining myself within the 'i want peace - observing breath' character - not realising that i am the one creating my thoughts and backchats and so it is me that is forgiving me so i can give self back to self  - and not realising that letting go of thoughts without forgiving oneself for ones thoughts, backchats and the creation of it, the outflows, manifestations, reactions, memories and consequences does nothing to birth me here as self to live and express me standing for what is best for all 'within and without' - birthing the real character- living and expressing and interacting with/as all - where my decision was based on a a belief - defining me within the 'deciding based on a belief - observing breath' character - based on a memory of me sitting with the zen monks in the zen temple in L. A. where we sat and observe the breath for 40 minutes in sitting meditation called zazen - defining myself within the 'zazen sitting memory - observing breath' character - where me and the zen monks sit in the meditation room with the practitioners  - defining myself within the 'zendo temple - observing breath' character - where when the gong sounds  starts we start meditation - defining myself within the 'gong starts zazen - observing breath' character -where i watched the breath going in and out - defining myself within the 'watching the breath in and out - observing breath' character - while seated - desiring to have peace of mind - defining myself within the 'peace of mind -observing breath' character -coming from fear of mind noise as having so many thoughts -  defining myself within the 'fear of mind noise- observing breath' character - acknowledging thoughts that appear within my mind - defining myself within the 'acknowledging thoughts - observing breath' character - on a black cushion  which is round, high and soft - where it is specially made for that purpose  - sitting meditation made of cotton inside - defining me within the 'zafu cushion - observing breath' character

under another square thin cushion that is slightly bigger than the round one - defining myself within the 'zabuton mat - observing breath' character

normally done kneeling down bum supported by the cushion - but i just crossed my legs instead because i was doing tantrik am meditation for a long time with legs crossed defining myself within the ' feet crossed-observing breath' character 

- so doing zen meditation sitting on cushion - observing breath, my eyes half-closed - as i believed what they said that this is done so i will not completely slip into my mind - defining myself within the 'zen eyes half-closed - observing breath' character -looking at the tip of my nose for focus so my attention is on that only - defining myself within the 'focused on tip of nose - observing breath' character - focused on my breathing in and out - defining myself within the ' watching the breath in and out  - observing the breath' character 

- acknowledging any thought coming in and letting it go of it - where i used this memory and modified it to fit my desired goal for this particular purpose - believing that when i do this it will shorten my process - defining myself within the 'i want it short and  fast - observing breath' character -so  i observed my breath and see if i will not have thoughts for 2 minutes - finding it was difficult for even 1 minute to do it without thoughts coming in - defining myself within the 'this is difficult - observing breath' character - so decided to make a startegy to make it easy by first doing it for 2 seconds and then increasing as i go - defining myself within the 'easy to do first - observing breath' character and then increase that to 3 minutes and increasing the number of minutes every day - defining myself within the 'evolving through increasing number - observing breath' character - where i did not allow thoughts to come in and when thoughts would come in - i started all over again - first sitting alone - defining myself within the 'sitting alone- observing breath' character - and then watching the television as i watch my breath - defining myself within the 'watching tv - observing breath' character - and then posing a challenge to every member of my network to do the 'thought - free challenge' - defining myself within the 'thought-free challenge - observing breath' character- until one day i was able to do 10 hrs thought - free - where i feel empowered - defining myself within the 'watching breath 10 hrs- empowered- observing breath' character  not realizing that this is the mind trying to get a result - a perceived evolution of oneself from a point of having mind chatter to having none - defining myself within the 'evolving through breath awareness - observing breath' character - because i believed this is the right thing to do - defining myself within the 'righteous- observing breath' character - believing that by doing this, i will evolve as an enlightened being and will contribute to the evolution of this world - not realizing that the self is here -  i am here as breath in every moment. It is the mind that i have to sop. It is about walking out of the noise within/as my mind - to birth me here as the eternal substance - as the physical -  to hear what is here - it is not about me desiring the 'moreness of me' - as the ego/mind character feeling diminished by not being that self-realized evolved self - as the ego - defining myself within the 'inferior me as ego watching breath' character - desiring to realize self by watching the breath - an evolution - as the alternate version of me in an alternate reality that is the mind - perceiving myself evolving - believing it is real awareness - not realizing it is separation awareness - i am not here - i am trapped as the mind character defining myself within the 'self-realized -watching breath' character - within self-interest .

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STOPPING PARTICIPATION In the MIND CHARACTER'S NARRATIVE 

Self-Correction Script

I commit myself to when and as i define myself within the 'i am observing my breath' character - i stop - i breath. I realise that the narrative that this character follows and participates in as above is not what is best for all life - and is done from the starting point of self-interest - separating me from the breathwithin/as my mind - believing that observing the breath will give me and enlightened existence - free from thoughts -  based on a belief - a belief which i just heard and read which i did not really fully test in all dimensions - i pushed my body - the feet crossed, the eyes looking at the tip of my nose etc. to express desire based from fear of noise in the mind - which i equated to suffering - fearing suffering - which i believed is the right thing to do - believing that by doing this i will stop my mind and be free from suffering  - within self-interest for an energy experience that i have given a positive value - believing that i will evolve from a point that is less than myself to a point that is more than myself  - which i created in an alternate reality within/as my mind - so to assist myself to walk out of the noise  within/as my mind - as the mind energy creates a perception and experience of being separate from existence - and to assist myself to hear what is here as the physical existence - as the eternal substance - as the eternal sound of silence - self giving self to self - through writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction. I am here as the breath. I slow myself down and see what thoughts, backchats, internal conversations etc. comes up  - and  at that moment - stop myself  - stabilize me as breath and say, 'i am here'.

I commit myself to delete the memories as pictures as desires etc. within/as myself and let go of the separation within and as myself standing with the physical-  breath by breath moment by moment