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Thursday, September 27, 2012

WAIT: Prove That You Love Me Day 169 SF Jealousy : My Dad: Happiness Character




My 21 Days Breathing
Daily Blogs

 The 'Late' Character

This is a Continuation of this Blog

The Mind Character's Narrative
My 'Experience' Of The Word Wait

In this blog i am opening these characters and in the next blogs i will direct them using self-forgiveness and self-commitment to correct myself within self-corrective application breath by breath moment by moment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ask people to wait for me - connecting someone waiting to that person loving me - believing that the reason why someone is waiting for me is because i am special - defining myself within the

 'wait for me - you love me don't you? - if you do you'll be patient - i desire to be special and superior - because i feel normal and inferior -manipulation' character 

-  where when i was in college i asked my ex - husband to wait for me for hours when we were scheduled to have a date - defining me within the 

''stand and wait for me while i beautify myself to entertain you - because you were so illusive in the past - making me suffer - and now that i got you - you have to suffer also - so we're even - competition in relationships- winning as happiness' character

 -during the courtship stage - and asked him to wait for me downstairs - when i was living in a dormitory - while i chat with my friends upstairs - defining myself within the 

'I am important - let him wait and suffer - while i entertain myself - as the blaming him for my suffering when we were in high school - as the blame' character 

where - only when he arrived and the intercomm lady tell me that he's there -  will i start having a shower - not wanting to take a shower and wait  - for fear of him not arriving - so not having a shower early - to save me from shame - and then redeeming me from shame - by making him wait - enjoying that positive energy experience of making him suffer - and at the same time being guilty of what i was doing - not realising it was what i made  me believe within/as my mind - as what i created as the alternate version of me and him within/as my mind - and the characters i play in relationship to one another - like a movie - where i always win as the main character -where the consequence is - making the physical suffer for that energy fix - as the mind needs energy from the physical to survive - defining myself within the following characters:

'let him suffer - happiness' character

'I do not like to wait because he might not come - as the shameful, inferior, doubting' character

'I will make him wait instead - as he made me wait when we were in high school - as i was attracted to him then - but he did not really pay that much attention to me at that time - as the vengeful, spiteful, blaming' character

'I enjoy it when someone suffer and wait for me - as the love is suffering and waiting - spiteful' character

 - him still standing outside the door when i go down - as he did not like to come inside and prefers to stand outside to wait - where after an hour or so i come down and him asking me what movie i want to watch - defining myself within the

'You have proven your love - you are patient - you are the kind that will die for me - you are my kind of man - i love you - i want to marry you - please ask me now - i like to be married with you - happiness' character

- believing that that was love - not realizing that i made it all up within/as my mind - thinking that feeling and emotion is who i am as the physical - not realizing that i manifested my ideas and beliefs within the physical - where i become an animated illusion - defining myself within the

'love is doubt and manipulation - competing with another -playing the game to win - as the winning in competition - happiness ' character

 - believing that him doing that is him loving me - because he proved he is patient and that we can have a lasting relationship together - defining me within the 

''show me you are patient by waiting for me and prove you deserve my love - so i can bear your kids - live ever after - relationship - eternal happiness' character 

-  believing that when he will not wait for me and become impatient and angry when i come down he is not worthy of my love - defining myself within the

 'if you become angry and spite me - i will spite you back  - as the blame, spiteful' character 

so let's have a look at a similar event that happened when i was a child

 -  where when my mom is not home and i don't know where she went -  i chose to wait for her to arrive home - and while waiting i criticized her for not telling me where she went  yet cannot tell her  what i observed - when she arrived home because she will get upset - defining myself within the 

'i am scared to tell her - she will get upset - suppression - fear of anger' character 

- where when  she disappeared for the whole day and i do not know where she went - i become upset - yet when she's home  and as she cooks dinner - cooking my favorite food - where upon tasting the food, i  suppressed the anger i felt  - and blamed her  -  defining myself within the

 'i am angry and i am blaming you for making me angry because of what you did - blame- spite - eating tasty food you made - blame turned to love - happiness' character

 - believing that she made me feel unimportant and inferior than her when she did not tell me where she's going - defining me within the 

'you made me feel unimportant and inferior - blame' character 

- believing that when someone does not tell me where one is going  - and what she's doing - i feel that something is being hidden from me -   defining me within the 

'where are you going? - what are you doing? - suspicious - you are hiding something - blame' character

- not realizing that within me  suppressing me i validated what she did -  accepting and allowing it as okay -  her cooking my favorite food - which i equated to her loving me - defining me within the 

'i will not say anything - just give me food and make me happy - to make me forget what you did - entertain me - happiness' character

- not realizing that what i am doing is accepting and allowing her to be the 'wandering not taking responsibility for letting others know where i am' character - which i now have accepted and allowed me to become - within the pattern that i live - as i make others wait when i do not do my assignment as i let my ex-husband wait - where this pattern remains unseen by me as i was not looking and blogging and not using self-forgiveness and self-corrective application - so i am taking self-responsibility here - writing , looking, self-forgiving and correcting me breath by breath moment by moment.

Let's look at my childhood - where i feel controlled when my dad tells me to ask permission before i go out and tell him where i am going - defining me within the 

'ask permission before you go anywhere and tell me where you are going - i am your dad and you are my child - possessive - superior- controlling' character  - where i followed what he said and just stayed at the house and served him coffee  -  where i followed what he said and just stayed at the house and served him coffee - defining me within the 

'serving my dad coffee - i am a good child - suppression - inferior - i like to preserve peace - fear of anger and punishment' character 

while he stays in the living room working on a big table drawing his house plan - being an engineer designing our house at that time 

Let's bring the memory of my mom always telling my dad 'you have no house that is finished. They are all unfinished' - where my mom is referring to my dad designing our house and then building the concrete house with a second floor but then only finishing the first floor and not finishing the second floor - where he made another house in the corner of lot in another location in that same town - and it was also unfinished - until we sold it to my grandmother - and the house that he built near the city which is in another suburb - he also did a 2 story house but left the second floor unfinished with part of the first floor unfinished - where when i heard my mom say this all the time - i had a backchat, 'it's okay because that's the way he is and besides the house can be sold and you can make money from it - so why complain - just take it as it is and not say anything because when you say something - he will be upset and there will be an argument' - where within this, i accepted and allowed me to say yes to procrastination - where i gave life to that same character all my life - without seeing and realising the outflow and consequence of that acceptance and allowance 

- and where i can see my fear of having disagreements showing up here - where i am suppressing myself to speak up about what i see - because i fear saying something that will upset someone who like me -defining myself within the

'fear of disagreements - fear of not being liked - fear of pointing out what is not best for all - i like peace and agreement - passive - suppression - happiness' character 

- believing that when we will have a disagreement that person will end up not liking me - so i end up suppressing me

Let's look at another memory here - where i feel controlled when my dad tells me to ask permission before i go out and was told to tell him where i am going before i go out the door - defining me within the 

'ask permission before you go anywhere and tell me where you are going - i am your dad and you are my child - possessive - superior- controlling' character  - where i followed what he said and just stayed at the house and served him coffee while he stays in the living room working on a big table drawing his house plan - being an engineer designing our house at that time 

and looking at my relationships in the past where i have waited for the man to ask me to  marry him - defining myself within the 

''i am waiting for you to ask me to marry you - hoping that you will ask in the near future - successful - relationship - do not ask me to wit too long because when i become impatient i will leave you for another one - blame' character

- first being asked to be engaged with him and then eventually being asked to marry him - where within this desire for the man to ask me for marriage - i became a character that he will like  doing what he likes and him doing what i like so we both become the mind characters that we  play out - where i strive to be the right woman for the man - manipulating myself to be an alternate version of me within/as my mind - so that he will end up asking me for marriage - hoping that i will end up with someone living happily ever after - defining myself within the 

'i like you - i love you - i cannot live without you - i want to  marry you - relationship - special someone - eternal happiness' character

Let's have a look at my relationships in the past - where when i was married to DSS -he was asking my permission when he wants to attend events and i made sure that i was also with him when he attends events at work  - as i also wanted to know that he does not flirt around with other females in those events - protecting our relationship - with the intention to make an eternal - lasting relationship with him - defining me within the 

'i am watching you - do not flirt - i am here to protect this relationship - i make sure you don't step out of character - suspicious - controlling - relationship - eternal happiness' character 

- so when i attended these events i watch the way he interact with the female co- workers and see if there is any flirting going on and when i saw this woman who's skin is darker than most Filipinas - let's call her DBE - skin colored dark brown - i felt jealous looking at the way she talks to my ex-husband believing that when a woman talks to a man in an extra friendly way - where she can make my ex-husband react with a smile and laughter - she is having an effect on her when she asked my ex-husband if he needs his cigarrette lighted, got my ex-husband's cigarrette and lighted it by putting it in her mouth and lighted it with her lighter

- where i connected her putting my ex-husband's cigarette in her mouth as her telling me she can get my husband and be intimate with him as i connected her putting his cigarette inside her mouth as putting a body part of him inside her mouth - so i am getting angry within me - but suppressed the anger - defining me within the 

'i am angry - but i will not show you i am - suppression - anger' character

so i can be' civil' as i believed i have to act nice when attending events - as i believed people who quarrel in events are ill- mannered - defining me within the 

'i am not ill mannered  - i have good manners - suppression - i am good - morality' character

and looking at the 'jealousy' character - where when he comes home late - i smell and look for lipstick marks on his shirt - defining myself within the 

''you can be cheating on me - i don't know - so i am spying on you - smelling - finding lipstick mark - doubt - suspicious - jealousy' character 

and when he's talking to someone on the phone - i eaves drop - defining me within the

'you could be talking and flirting with another woman - i am spying on you - eavesdropping - as the doubt - suspicious - jealous' character

where when her sister spoon feeds him when she's eating something she wants him to taste - i also get jealous

 - where my backchat is 'she is jealous of me and is competing for his attention' - defining me within the 

'i am jealous but i will not show it - suppression - as the  competition, jealous' character

and where when this happens - i hold my breath

suppressing myself from making my jealousy visible - not wanting her to see because that will mean i lost the competition - defining myself within the

'she wants to get him and i am here to protect her from doing that - i hate her guts - competition' character

 - where i am manifesting a mind reaction within the physical body transforming substance to energy.

- where i do not like waiting on people - believing i will be less than them if i wait for them - 
defining me within the

'i don't like to wait - i want everything according to how i planned it in my mind - no stepping out of character - suspicious - manipulation' character 

Let's bring a memory back here - where when i was a child my mom left to study in the city and my dad went to work abroad leaving me and my siblings under the care of my grandmother - 
where they made me wait for them for a long time - where i felt inferior than my dad and mom - and my backchat was 'they do not care for me ' - defining me within the

 'if you let me wait - i will blame you - inferior - spiteful' character

where i believed  my grandmother cares - believing that my grandmother cares for me and loves me more - defining myself within the 

'my mom and dad left me - my grandmother took care of me - she's always there - love is being here always - fear of being left alone and waiting for someone' character - 

Let's look at my past relationships with a man - where i hated waiting for the man - defining me within the 

'if you let me wait - i become suspicious you are cheating on me - suspicious - angry - spiteful' character 

I commit myself to stop giving life to these characters using writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application

Self-forgiveness for the different characters will follow

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