What Christmas Really Mean

Expanding The Word "Salad"
http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2017/11/the-word-salad.html
=

From

CR-eam

ST-eam

MAS-ticate

To 

CR-eate a haven on earth

ST-and for what is best for all

MAS-ter our Destiny

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Bridging A Haven on Earth
http://bridgingahavenonearth.com
June's Website:
http://juneroca.com

BHOE Project
https://www.gofundme.com/heavenonearthyes

What does Expanding The Word "Salad" Mean?
http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2017/11/the-word-salad.html

BIRTHING: Music Lyrics

Lyrics:

I am birthing myself here

I am hu-man
made of the same
flesh and bone

I am birthing myself here
my feet on the planet
walking on the same grass
that is underneath your feet

I am birthing myself 
as a part of the whole
as life on earth

everywhere i can see
the quality of life that is necessary
to birth life on earth

Look beyond
the color
of the skin

bones, muscles
veins, and arteries
cells that work
for the body to function

I am hu-man
made of the same
flesh and bone
equal to the body

I am birthing myself 
as part of the whole 
as life on earth

Born with a unique
DNA

seemingly different
in shape and form

breathing the same air
breathed by all
our cells communicating
in unison

life is here
listen to the roar 
of the ocean
the beating of the heart

the same breath
permeating the substance
where the rhythm of all
becomes the stance

singing the same origin
we all came from-

The body is an organism
let it sing
and create art

for in the heart of water
all our words resonate
synchronized orchestra
that has the same message

I am birthing myself 
as a part of the whole
as life on earth

the same substance
communicating the birthing
of life on earth

as the body sing and dance
it celebrates
the birthing of life on earth

Masculinity and Femininity: My Mom and Dad

Me as a Child

My Dad was born with the male sex organ. He got married with my mom who was born with a female sex organ. I was born from the union of their egg and sperm cells. That's how 'scientific' it gets. 

Having a female sex organ like my mom, wearing female clothes like a dress  with 'flowy' designs, I bonded with her when I was growing up and copied more of the feminine roles she took on consciously, subconsciously or unconsciously.

In this blog, I will bring the memories back here of when my dad was with me - in my childhood so I can see how I changed my expression when I was with him to when I was with my mom. 

My experience with my dad is straight forward. He provided financial support for the family by going abroad - to work as an Engineer. He was not with us all the time when I was growing up. He came and stayed sometimes but most of the time he worked abroad.

He was 19 years older than my mom when they got married according to stories I heard from her. She said my dad did not ask her her to get married but he asked my grandmother permission instead. Then, when my grandmother conceded, she was assumed to 'yes' as well.

Their courtship was filled with stories about how my dad treated my mom and other relatives to the island where he lived and worked. 

My mom's story will be in my next blog. 

Femininity 7: In The Community

My grandmother playing with an iPad

When I was a teenager, I saw my mom as a housewife in charge of house cleaning, cooking, tending to our needs, and my dad's needs when he was around. This was the feminine role I grew up with. It was interesting to see my mom turned into a female politician in our town one day and we will touch on her story of how that happened.

In the photo above,  seeing my grandmother who was a dressmaker all her life playing with iPad in one of the pictures posted by my cousin in Facebook was also very interesting.

When my father was in the Philippines resting and had no work contract abroad, my mom normally worked as a municipal health counsellor and a teacher. 

She was an accounting student who worked as a maid to the owner of the college where she studied and with the additional support of my dad she graduated the course. There was a shortage of teachers, so our relative who was the principal of the school asked her if she liked to take on the job. She accepted the offer. She became a high school teacher of the nearby school teaching the Filipino language. 

One day, there was a need for candidates to run for public office. The total population of the town where we lived was about 15,000 at that time. It was a small town and not many people graduated college, so my mom was nominated as a candidate for counsellor.  

From having no experience of politics, I was introduced to the world of politics, the Philippine way.

In this blog, I would like to share my experience in seeing my mom - as a feminine, taking on the role of a female politician, getting into politics, and what I have noticed happening around me with regards to other women trying to earn a living in our small town.

My sister and I helped her in her campaign. We distributed flyers and shook peoples's hands. At home, there were always a lot of visitors from my mom's political party ticket plus ordinary people from the community asking her for help. I spent most of my time making coffee for everyone.

During that time, my dad who was usually working abroad, helped print my mom''s flyers for distribution to the public who were voters. I watched her spoke in the community. Most of the candidates were men and I remembered her as the only woman candidate giving her talks even in the remote part of our town - called barrios. 

Her feminine role started from the family and was branching out to the community. This was interesting to watch.

After the tally of votes, she emerged as the winner. She was voted as the first counsellor. 

My experience of myself and my mom changed from a family oriented existence to a public oriented existence - seeing her performing a (feminine and also partly masculine) role in the community which also impacted my life. She was mostly doing her job as a counsellor - in the community, and when she was at home, other people would come and ask her for help - either medical or  financial.

She continued giving talks to crowds after she won the election. I went with her sometimes to attend small events, but sometimes they have big community events where most of the people in the community gather. They usually have music, dancing and food. The event was held in a big hall outside the municipal building. Usually people were invited to dance and partake of the food given during those occasions. 

While walking with my mom to buy something at the market, people greeted my mom and they greeted me too. I felt there were a lot of people who knew her and me and my family after she won the election.

When I went with my mom in her monthly community visits, I noticed that there were a lot of poor people in our town. I was not aware of this before. My life revolved inside the house, outside,  playing with my friends nearby or going to my grandmother's house which was walking distance from where we lived. What I enjoyed most was walking to the beach which was 2 minutes away and taking a dip in the slightly warm water during hot weather then walking back to our house or my grandmother's house to get a 'shower'. 

During walks with my mom, I noticed housewives who lived near us whose main source of income were cooking food items to sell in the school, in the market, or having a store of their own where they sell toys and food. They survived doing those jobs.

Recently, I went to Wikipedia to look at the main income of our town and It turned out the town's main income comes from cooked food. At the economy section, I found out the foods I grew up with

• Kalamay-hati: A type of coconut jam made from coconut cream and sugar or molasses
• Maja blanca: A type of coconut pudding
• Suman: A dessert/snack made of sticky rice and coconut steamed in leaves.
• Puto: A steamed rice cake.
• Bagoong: A traditional fish paste made using fresh local/sustainable ingredients.

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buenavista,_Marinduque

Somehow, this small town managed to survive with the help of the housewives who cooked and sold the food to earn some income to support their husband's income (who did mostly physical labor kind of work). 

The college graduates (who included my mom) and those with more money, ended up working in the municipality or doing business in neighboring towns, cities or even working abroad.

Continued...

Femininity 6: School, Dance, Music & Movement

Picture of Males and Females Dancing a Filipino Folk Dance

Femininity

Part 1 Copied

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-1.html

Part 2 My Mom, Grandmother and Great Grandmother

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-2.html

Part 3 Cooking

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-3-cooking.html

4 Nurture

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-4-nurture.html

5 Feminine Mystique

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-5-filipina-mystique.html

===

When I bring my childhood memories back here, what stands out was my experience of dancing in school during convocations or class presentations. My eyes light up whenever I get selected to dance as part of a group or alone with a male partner. The school dance performance became the platform where I was able to move my body with my partner in tune to the music and express my interpretation of a certain event in time. 

It was a reenactment of an event using movement and music which was taught to us - by our choreographer. It was not really me directing the dance. I was a willing and able participant.

The dances I participated in were mostly Filipino Folk dances. One specific dance that was easy and fun to do was one with an accompanying music called 'Magtanim Ay Di Biro' - translated, 'Planting Rice Is Not Easy'. This music and dance routine depicted the life of rice farmers who worked from very early morning to sundown, planting rice. They were being paid by the land owners to cultivate and plant rice in their land. They divide the money from the sale of the rice between themselves with the land owners sometimes paying the workers money or in kind (rice) or both.

Picture of children about to dance as part of a school presentation 

YOUTUBE VIDEO:

At a young age, I did not know that the dance I was doing was about the difficult life of farmers. All I know was that when I was in that dancing costume with my classmates and co-dancers, I was in a jolly mood. Somehow while wearing the costume, I imagined stepping into a new world that was all about 'f-u-n'. 

The costume was made and bought for me to use in the presentation by my grandmother or my mom. In my mind, the new multi-colored costume, the music, plus the audience watching us perform, all come together to create a new feminine experience of  'myself'.  This feminine experience was enhanced by having a boy as my partner. They do not wear skirts. They wear pants. Their dance movement is what we normally call 'male dance moves'. As a female, I was asked to hold my skirt a certain way and create flowing movements left and right while the males move to show how rice is being planted in an up and down fashion. We can see through the dance movement, the feminine and masculine roles of each gender in the community. 

In general (there are exceptions), the girls depicted the role of the women (cleaning the rice and possibly cooking it) and the boys depicted the role of the men (planting rice and possibly getting paid for their labor).

Real people planting rice under the heat of the sun 

Planting rice was real hard work. This was far different from having a costume and dancing with the 'Magtanim Ay Di Biro' music.

I realized that dancing with those flowing movements using my whole body allowed me to form an idea that those body movements were my feminine expression. I was not fully aware that those movements were taught to us by our choreographer - even if that was the case.  So it was me acting out the ideas the choreographer had on how feminine expression should be expressed in a particular dance given the parameters handed down from generation to generation.

The audience were the  people (as parents and teachers) who  were giving everyone feedback regarding whether or not this was worth the time and effort - in the form of an applause.

No one was assessing the significance of this in our cultural perception of ourselves and how the gender roles are learned in school with the parents and teachers playing significant roles in shaping our social construct on gender and movement.

Continued...

Femininity Part 5: Filipina Mystique: Maria Clara

Femininity

Part 1

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-1.html

Part 2

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-2.html

Part 3

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-3-cooking.html

Part 4

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-4-nurture.html

===

When I was growing up, I was told to do that which is 'feminine, good and moral'.

I did not realize that unknowingly saying 'yes' to this - because of fear of being labeled a 'rebel' - will be me giving up my freedom to be and do that which I decided to be an unselfish creative expression of myself as a female.

I reacted in my mind to what I saw was an authoritative 'reprimand' from my elders. But since they were my caretakers, I cannot go against them. So, I ended up suppressing my innate creative expression and in an effort to obey them, I embraced the reprimand and incorporated it as if it was my own believing that it will be easier to follow that way. Then, in a somewhat manipulative way, I created another personality and made it appear as if I have more value - where the secret part of me (that which I suppressed - the secret inferior me) was seen as an added value that made me appear having more value specially to the opposite sex.

That part of me that cannot speak out openly became the 'soft, feminine side of me' that eventually evolved to having the 'mystic power' to draw the males toward me to want to get to know me more. I made use of this 'hidden inferior identity' to get the opposite sex to believe I was different than the rest (the softer, more feminine me), that there is something more to me than what meets the eye - an illusion that I transcended the suppressed me.

I created that 'special' feminine personality based from the illusion that my 'hidden feminine personality' needs to be conquered because it is 'unique'. The media called it the 'Maria Clara' personality. Translated in English, I call it the 'Filipina Mystique'. This was also a personality or character I created  to make myself 'special' in the eyes of the opposite sex. I used this illusion of softness to get them to want to rescue or assist me whenever I need help - and within that, believed they were stronger than me. It then evolved as my 'soft feminine' personality.

I used this to enhance the courtship games I used to play with the males. In my mind, I have this computation or opinion that, if I covered myself with a shroud of mystery, they would come and try to unravel that mystery. This was what I called the 'mysterious feminine personality' .I spoke indirectly to males who were courting me. I was always evasive. When asked whether I like them, I would say 'no' or 'maybe' even if I would like to know them more . I also did this to please my dad who did not approve of me having a boyfriend in high school.

My real identity was buried under the multiple characters that became my alternate persona without even being aware of what I was doing and why I was doing it, plus the consequence of all that.

 This feminine personality was enhanced more through the way I dress.

When we have school events or whenever our school had a beauty contest where I participated in, where I dressed up in a gown or Filipino dress, I can feel some form of enjoyment which I believed was the feminine in me.

I believed the texture of the soft cloth that brushed on my skin and harmonized with the way I walked as a feminine was providing me with added value.

I believed the beads sewn on the cloth were glitters that shined because I was 'special'. I associated it with the gowns worn by female actresses that I believed were 'more special'.  

I believed the shape of the sleeves were unique to the country where I came from - adding on to the value of the character, I am portraying. The matching high-heeled shoes, although hidden, I believed contributed to the overall portrayal of my feminine character. All the ornaments I wore were there to enhance my worth - as a feminine character that is evolving in my mind. 

Thee necklace I wore enhanced my neck that is part of my feminine rendition of a personality that was standing tall and proud of being feminine. The bracelets matched my necklace which I believed enhanced my arms that swayed with my hips and neck as I walk - that was a representation of softness and grace in my mind.

I had the impression that I was more fluid in my gestures, more expressive in my smile, and more sympathetic and kind in my speech. 

Was this a pure feminine expression? 

Although it felt like it, this was not my pure feminine expression. It was part of a feminine personality that I learned from the females in my family. I  watched them and copied their behaviors, attitudes, characteristics, and roles that they performed. Then, I labeled them feminine. Through this, I enhanced my view of myself - within inferiority.

In contrast, I saw masculinity as reserved and direct, tough and unyielding. 

Continued...

Femininity Part 4 Nurture

Femininity

Part 1 Copied

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-1.html

Part 2 My Mom, Grandmother and Great Grandmother

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-2.html

Part 3 Cooking

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-3-cooking.html

4 Nurture

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-4-nurture.html

5 Feminine Mystique

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-5-filipina-mystique.html

===

When I was young, my mother studied in the city to finish her degree in accounting, so I lived with 1 aunt and 3 uncles in my grandmother's house. Their task was to help my mother while she studied. They took care of me.  I particularly bonded with my grandmother and my aunt. They were females and I know I was a female because they said so. Whenever they can, they reminded me of my feminine role in our culture. 

One thing that I learned when I was young living with them is the saying 'women nurture the family members'. My grandmother fits this role perfectly. She nurtured all of us when we were sick and provided food on the table daily. 

She was a dress maker. She made clothes for people and made sure we all ate 3 x a day. 

It was an extended family where everyone took care of everyone. 

During night time, I helped prepare the bed including putting her 'night granny potty' next to her bed.

We all slept in one part of the house without a dividing wall. My grandmother's house was made of bamboo, so before we sleep I helped lay down the mat plus blankets and hang the mosquito net on top of it, so mosquitoes will not come inside.

My childhood was filled with play, housework and school work. But when I get sick with fever, my grandmother was there to take care of me. 

Since I did not have appetite to eat when I had a fever, my grandmother used to feed me by munching on this cookie called 'aglipay' in her mouth and she used to feed it to me through my mouth. It was warm in my mouth. I was uncaring whether or not it tasted good, or whether it is sanitary or not. I was a kid who did what I was told to do by people who nurtured me and fed me, so I did what I was told to do. 

I know that my grandmother did what she knew best. So, bringing this memory back here makes me smile.

She used to drench the hand towel with a little bit of water and vinegar.  After she rung the extra water and vinegar from the hand towel, she folds it in a rectangular shape and puts it on my forehead. I was instructed to leave it there while I slept or while I relaxed in bed.  

She believed that this will take care of the fever and will make me feel better. 

After a few days, my fever would subside. So, I believed that whatever she did worked. I believed what she believed - that this was the best cure for fever. I did not question where she learnt this and why this worked. I merely accepted it as my grandmother's way of helping me out when I was sick.

Another food she used to give me when I was sick was porridge. It was made of rice, water and salt. That's it. Since I did not have appetite to eat, this also worked. It was soft and easy to swallow.

After she cooked the porridge, she would sit beside me and feed me using a spoon.

Continued...

Femininity Part 3 Cooking

Femininity

Part 1 Copied

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-1.html

Part 2 My Mom, Grandmother and Great Grandmother

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-2.html

Part 3 Cooking

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-3-cooking.html

4 Nurture

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-4-nurture.html

5 Feminine Mystique

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-5-filipina-mystique.html

===

I enjoy food preparation, cooking and eating.

When we were young,  my mom, my grandmother, and my great grandmother were the ones who cooked for us (my extended family). They were the ones who asked us what food we wanted to eat and they prepared, cooked, and ate it with us.

My great grandmother was the one who made those coconut sweets that I liked to eat when I was in the elementary grades. It was square shaped, chewy, sweet and had a hint of lime peels in it.

She had a store in front of our school and during recess, I went to her store and eat whatever I liked too eat. I had memories of drinking soda in glass bottles and eating some Philippine made biscuits which were mostly made of flour, sugar and milk. The one I particularly remembered was the round cookie that had a red food color outside and the 2 flaky, crispy cookies called 'romano' and 'aglipay' which was named after 2 religious groups in our town. How did it get its name? I do not have a clue.

Recess was not only a 'pleasure trip' to my great grandmother's store. It was also a trip to the back of our school where housewives sell 'goodies' in their baskets to earn a little bit of money that will pay for the food they prepare for their family.

I did not learn cooking though until I was married. I learned to cook to be able to feed my family.

Cooking became part of my feminine role not because I chose to but because our culture was set up in a way where women played a big role in feeding and taking care of family member's needs on a daily basis - which included cooking food.

Philippine pork adobo with rice

My great grandmother and my grandmother had a stone stove (like the one in the picture below). 

This was where they cooked our food with the help of housemaids using cut wood as fuel.

Continued...

Femininity Part 2 My Mother, Grandmother and Great Grandmother

Femininity

Part 1

Copied

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-1.html

Part 2 My Mom, Grandmother and Great Grandmother

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-2.html

Part 3 Cooking

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-3-cooking.html

Part 4 Nurture

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-4-nurture.html

Part 5 Feminine Mystique

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-5-filipina-mystique.html

===

I realized my femininity is a set of roles I copied from my mom and other females around me when i was growing up which our community validated as feminine roles. 

One of the roles I learned from watching my mom is putting make-up on my face.

When my mom went to a community event, she would put on a color coordinated dress/clothes or if it is slacks, she would wear them with a colorful shirt. She will go to the mirror, put on some lipstick. Then, she smacks her lips together so the red color will stick to her lips. She puts on foundation which has a light tan shade. The next thing she puts on is some blush-on and a blue gray shade of eye shadow. 

She had many different kinds of shoes so she usually picks one that will match her clothes. She puts it on and picks up her bag which is also color coordinated with her clothes.

My mom (wearing black) on the right

What I had a strong memory of was that she liked to buy new clothes or bags, shoes, and necklace  for her or for us to wear during family or community events. 

My grandmother also did the same 'feminine' add-ons. 

While my mom beautified herself when she attended community gatherings and meetings related to her role as a town counsellor, my grandmother beautified herself before she went to church almost everyday by putting on a red lipstick.

 What I remembered about her was that she liked putting small red peppers on her hair or sometimes she puts Jasmine flowers (Philippine variety) or Ylang-ylang on her hair. I used to smell the flowers on her hair and enjoy its aroma. 

She used a natural shampoo made from the bark of a tree and she would rinse it off with lime flavored water. Her hair's aroma had a hint of lime. I used to enjoy smelling her hair when she came out of the bathroom after she had a Philippine shower which was not really how we wash ourselves in the shower here in the US. 

She used a container in the past, puts the water there with some lime juice and then rinse her hair and body with the flavored water using a small container to scoop the water out of the bigger container on to her body and hair.

Continued...

Lessons I Learned From My Daughter's Stay: Comfort Equals Money

We are travelling to see my daughter who is visiting North Carolina from the Philippines for a week for work training.

It is very interesting that after travelling for 4 hrs. we can sleep and rest at a motel for $62. We still have to travel 10 hrs. tomorrow from Malvern, Arkansas to Tennessee then to our final destination - Asheville, North Carolina, where we will pick-up my daughter from the airport.

That is how much we pay for comfort. We can sleep in the car and be uncomfortable for no money but we choose to be comfortable for the night and pay the fee.

Comfort = money

This is why we have to earn more money. The homeless and the poor in the streets of LA, Dallas, the Philippines etc. cannot afford this comfort. The ones with money can.

We avoid discomfort but with no money, we do not have a choice.

It would be cool to see every human able to afford a comfortable home where they can rest and enjoy a good nights sleep.

Pork Roast 4: Gravy or No Gravy Day 235 Fear: Survival

Journey To Life  Blogs  

  

About Writing/Blogging

Store

SELF-FORGIVENESS

===

My Food and Nutrition Blog Site:

http://foodandnutritionjunejourneytolife.blogspot.com/

The Mathematics of Life  
===

In this blog i am looking at who i have become within a decision i made  and the fears that came up

Event:: X-mas gathering with my partner's family
Decision: Make a gravy out of pan drippings and serve it with the pork roast 

My partner's decision: Leave the pan drippings as it is - do not make a gravy
I will use self-forgiveness in this blog for fears i saw and continue from Part 3.


I highlighted the Fears i will do self-forgiveness for in this blog, below

I am doing self-commitment in blogs to come and live the correction in my breath by breath movement to birth me here as life.

Fears behind the decision to make a gravy: 
Fear of the texture of the gravy (using pan drippings as gravy) not being 'right' as per the culinary standards/rules
↓
Fear of  being a bad chef
↓
Fear of not being popular
↓
Fear of not being liked by my partner's family when i bring a pork roast with a thin, runny gravy
↓
Fear of being alone ↓
Fear of being bored by being just by myself
↓
Fear of going crazy
↓
Fear of being in a mental institution
↓
Fear of not being in control
↓
Fear of being bad
↓ 
Fear of hurting/killing others
↓
Fear of being in prison
↓
Fear of not having the freedom to live life and not do what I like
↓
Fear of being sad
↓
Fear of wasting my time on Earth
                                                                                                                 Mind Loop 
↓
Fear of REGRETTING the way i lived my life
↓
Fear that I did not use the time that I had to live life fully
↓
Fear of blaming myself that I did not live life fully
↓
Fear of feeling guilty
↓
Fear of doing something to make up for it
↓
Fear of starting from the beginning again/reincarnating
↓
Fear of being in a loop and not getting the whole point of what life is about
↓
Fear of not knowing who, what, where, when, how I am
↓
Fear of not doing what is needed of me to be who I am as life
                                                                                                                     Mind Loop  
↓
Fear of REGRETTING living my life the way i did
↓ 
Fear of not being someone who is happy all the time
↓ 
Fear of going through a longer process
↓
Fear of not enjoying the fruits of life fully while living 

↓

Fear of eternal pain/suffering

Fear of REGRETTING living my life the way i did
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the design of/as ' fear of surviving - as an individual'
fear looking back after death - regretting the way i lived my life - believing that life is supposed to be spent helping the people that needs help and being a self-realized being - knowing what it means to live life fully - believing that if i will not be able to do this,  my entire life on earth will be wasted - not realizing that helping others to have eternal life is from a starting point of separation from all  within self-interest and desiring or doing something to be self-realized is  from a starting point of separation from all life' 
- not realizing that stopping mind participation - as i am here as breath in every moment - is the commonsensical thing to do
 
Fear of not being someone who is happy all the time
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the design of/as
'fear of surviving - as positive energy' fear not being someone who is happy all the time believing that a life that is always happy is
a fulfilled life not realizing that happiness and sadness are like 2 poles of a magnet which is part of a feedback loop 

Fear of going through a longer process
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the design of/as  'Fear of survival - as information and knowledge''
fear not enjoying the fruits of a life that is fully lived believing that when i die and end up finding out there's another reality on the other side - not consistent with what i know  life is about when i was alive - i will have to reincarnate and start all over again - believing that that's a waste of my whole life time on earth - instead of realizing that i am here and has always been here as breath in every moment - i only have to move me.

Fear of eternal pain/suffering
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the design of/as ' fear of survival - as  energy'
fear eternal pain and suffering believing that if i did not know what life is about and lived life believing it was something else other than what i thought it was - i could end up in pain/suffering eternally believing that i will live regretting i could have lived a happy life and have an eternal life of bliss and happiness

Continued