Femininity 7: In The Community

My grandmother playing with an iPad

When I was a teenager, I saw my mom as a housewife in charge of house cleaning, cooking, tending to our needs, and my dad's needs when he was around. This was the feminine role I grew up with. It was interesting to see my mom turned into a female politician in our town one day and we will touch on her story of how that happened.

In the photo above,  seeing my grandmother who was a dressmaker all her life playing with iPad in one of the pictures posted by my cousin in Facebook was also very interesting.

When my father was in the Philippines resting and had no work contract abroad, my mom normally worked as a municipal health counsellor and a teacher. 

She was an accounting student who worked as a maid to the owner of the college where she studied and with the additional support of my dad she graduated the course. There was a shortage of teachers, so our relative who was the principal of the school asked her if she liked to take on the job. She accepted the offer. She became a high school teacher of the nearby school teaching the Filipino language. 

One day, there was a need for candidates to run for public office. The total population of the town where we lived was about 15,000 at that time. It was a small town and not many people graduated college, so my mom was nominated as a candidate for counsellor.  

From having no experience of politics, I was introduced to the world of politics, the Philippine way.

In this blog, I would like to share my experience in seeing my mom - as a feminine, taking on the role of a female politician, getting into politics, and what I have noticed happening around me with regards to other women trying to earn a living in our small town.

My sister and I helped her in her campaign. We distributed flyers and shook peoples's hands. At home, there were always a lot of visitors from my mom's political party ticket plus ordinary people from the community asking her for help. I spent most of my time making coffee for everyone.

During that time, my dad who was usually working abroad, helped print my mom''s flyers for distribution to the public who were voters. I watched her spoke in the community. Most of the candidates were men and I remembered her as the only woman candidate giving her talks even in the remote part of our town - called barrios. 

Her feminine role started from the family and was branching out to the community. This was interesting to watch.

After the tally of votes, she emerged as the winner. She was voted as the first counsellor. 

My experience of myself and my mom changed from a family oriented existence to a public oriented existence - seeing her performing a (feminine and also partly masculine) role in the community which also impacted my life. She was mostly doing her job as a counsellor - in the community, and when she was at home, other people would come and ask her for help - either medical or  financial.

She continued giving talks to crowds after she won the election. I went with her sometimes to attend small events, but sometimes they have big community events where most of the people in the community gather. They usually have music, dancing and food. The event was held in a big hall outside the municipal building. Usually people were invited to dance and partake of the food given during those occasions. 

While walking with my mom to buy something at the market, people greeted my mom and they greeted me too. I felt there were a lot of people who knew her and me and my family after she won the election.

When I went with my mom in her monthly community visits, I noticed that there were a lot of poor people in our town. I was not aware of this before. My life revolved inside the house, outside,  playing with my friends nearby or going to my grandmother's house which was walking distance from where we lived. What I enjoyed most was walking to the beach which was 2 minutes away and taking a dip in the slightly warm water during hot weather then walking back to our house or my grandmother's house to get a 'shower'. 

During walks with my mom, I noticed housewives who lived near us whose main source of income were cooking food items to sell in the school, in the market, or having a store of their own where they sell toys and food. They survived doing those jobs.

Recently, I went to Wikipedia to look at the main income of our town and It turned out the town's main income comes from cooked food. At the economy section, I found out the foods I grew up with

• Kalamay-hati: A type of coconut jam made from coconut cream and sugar or molasses
• Maja blanca: A type of coconut pudding
• Suman: A dessert/snack made of sticky rice and coconut steamed in leaves.
• Puto: A steamed rice cake.
• Bagoong: A traditional fish paste made using fresh local/sustainable ingredients.

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buenavista,_Marinduque

Somehow, this small town managed to survive with the help of the housewives who cooked and sold the food to earn some income to support their husband's income (who did mostly physical labor kind of work). 

The college graduates (who included my mom) and those with more money, ended up working in the municipality or doing business in neighboring towns, cities or even working abroad.

Continued...

Femininity 6: School, Dance, Music & Movement

Picture of Males and Females Dancing a Filipino Folk Dance

Femininity

Part 1 Copied

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-1.html

Part 2 My Mom, Grandmother and Great Grandmother

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-2.html

Part 3 Cooking

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-3-cooking.html

4 Nurture

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-4-nurture.html

5 Feminine Mystique

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-5-filipina-mystique.html

===

When I bring my childhood memories back here, what stands out was my experience of dancing in school during convocations or class presentations. My eyes light up whenever I get selected to dance as part of a group or alone with a male partner. The school dance performance became the platform where I was able to move my body with my partner in tune to the music and express my interpretation of a certain event in time. 

It was a reenactment of an event using movement and music which was taught to us - by our choreographer. It was not really me directing the dance. I was a willing and able participant.

The dances I participated in were mostly Filipino Folk dances. One specific dance that was easy and fun to do was one with an accompanying music called 'Magtanim Ay Di Biro' - translated, 'Planting Rice Is Not Easy'. This music and dance routine depicted the life of rice farmers who worked from very early morning to sundown, planting rice. They were being paid by the land owners to cultivate and plant rice in their land. They divide the money from the sale of the rice between themselves with the land owners sometimes paying the workers money or in kind (rice) or both.

Picture of children about to dance as part of a school presentation 

YOUTUBE VIDEO:

At a young age, I did not know that the dance I was doing was about the difficult life of farmers. All I know was that when I was in that dancing costume with my classmates and co-dancers, I was in a jolly mood. Somehow while wearing the costume, I imagined stepping into a new world that was all about 'f-u-n'. 

The costume was made and bought for me to use in the presentation by my grandmother or my mom. In my mind, the new multi-colored costume, the music, plus the audience watching us perform, all come together to create a new feminine experience of  'myself'.  This feminine experience was enhanced by having a boy as my partner. They do not wear skirts. They wear pants. Their dance movement is what we normally call 'male dance moves'. As a female, I was asked to hold my skirt a certain way and create flowing movements left and right while the males move to show how rice is being planted in an up and down fashion. We can see through the dance movement, the feminine and masculine roles of each gender in the community. 

In general (there are exceptions), the girls depicted the role of the women (cleaning the rice and possibly cooking it) and the boys depicted the role of the men (planting rice and possibly getting paid for their labor).

Real people planting rice under the heat of the sun 

Planting rice was real hard work. This was far different from having a costume and dancing with the 'Magtanim Ay Di Biro' music.

I realized that dancing with those flowing movements using my whole body allowed me to form an idea that those body movements were my feminine expression. I was not fully aware that those movements were taught to us by our choreographer - even if that was the case.  So it was me acting out the ideas the choreographer had on how feminine expression should be expressed in a particular dance given the parameters handed down from generation to generation.

The audience were the  people (as parents and teachers) who  were giving everyone feedback regarding whether or not this was worth the time and effort - in the form of an applause.

No one was assessing the significance of this in our cultural perception of ourselves and how the gender roles are learned in school with the parents and teachers playing significant roles in shaping our social construct on gender and movement.

Continued...

Femininity Part 5: Filipina Mystique: Maria Clara

Femininity

Part 1

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-1.html

Part 2

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-2.html

Part 3

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-3-cooking.html

Part 4

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-4-nurture.html

===

When I was growing up, I was told to do that which is 'feminine, good and moral'.

I did not realize that unknowingly saying 'yes' to this - because of fear of being labeled a 'rebel' - will be me giving up my freedom to be and do that which I decided to be an unselfish creative expression of myself as a female.

I reacted in my mind to what I saw was an authoritative 'reprimand' from my elders. But since they were my caretakers, I cannot go against them. So, I ended up suppressing my innate creative expression and in an effort to obey them, I embraced the reprimand and incorporated it as if it was my own believing that it will be easier to follow that way. Then, in a somewhat manipulative way, I created another personality and made it appear as if I have more value - where the secret part of me (that which I suppressed - the secret inferior me) was seen as an added value that made me appear having more value specially to the opposite sex.

That part of me that cannot speak out openly became the 'soft, feminine side of me' that eventually evolved to having the 'mystic power' to draw the males toward me to want to get to know me more. I made use of this 'hidden inferior identity' to get the opposite sex to believe I was different than the rest (the softer, more feminine me), that there is something more to me than what meets the eye - an illusion that I transcended the suppressed me.

I created that 'special' feminine personality based from the illusion that my 'hidden feminine personality' needs to be conquered because it is 'unique'. The media called it the 'Maria Clara' personality. Translated in English, I call it the 'Filipina Mystique'. This was also a personality or character I created  to make myself 'special' in the eyes of the opposite sex. I used this illusion of softness to get them to want to rescue or assist me whenever I need help - and within that, believed they were stronger than me. It then evolved as my 'soft feminine' personality.

I used this to enhance the courtship games I used to play with the males. In my mind, I have this computation or opinion that, if I covered myself with a shroud of mystery, they would come and try to unravel that mystery. This was what I called the 'mysterious feminine personality' .I spoke indirectly to males who were courting me. I was always evasive. When asked whether I like them, I would say 'no' or 'maybe' even if I would like to know them more . I also did this to please my dad who did not approve of me having a boyfriend in high school.

My real identity was buried under the multiple characters that became my alternate persona without even being aware of what I was doing and why I was doing it, plus the consequence of all that.

 This feminine personality was enhanced more through the way I dress.

When we have school events or whenever our school had a beauty contest where I participated in, where I dressed up in a gown or Filipino dress, I can feel some form of enjoyment which I believed was the feminine in me.

I believed the texture of the soft cloth that brushed on my skin and harmonized with the way I walked as a feminine was providing me with added value.

I believed the beads sewn on the cloth were glitters that shined because I was 'special'. I associated it with the gowns worn by female actresses that I believed were 'more special'.  

I believed the shape of the sleeves were unique to the country where I came from - adding on to the value of the character, I am portraying. The matching high-heeled shoes, although hidden, I believed contributed to the overall portrayal of my feminine character. All the ornaments I wore were there to enhance my worth - as a feminine character that is evolving in my mind. 

Thee necklace I wore enhanced my neck that is part of my feminine rendition of a personality that was standing tall and proud of being feminine. The bracelets matched my necklace which I believed enhanced my arms that swayed with my hips and neck as I walk - that was a representation of softness and grace in my mind.

I had the impression that I was more fluid in my gestures, more expressive in my smile, and more sympathetic and kind in my speech. 

Was this a pure feminine expression? 

Although it felt like it, this was not my pure feminine expression. It was part of a feminine personality that I learned from the females in my family. I  watched them and copied their behaviors, attitudes, characteristics, and roles that they performed. Then, I labeled them feminine. Through this, I enhanced my view of myself - within inferiority.

In contrast, I saw masculinity as reserved and direct, tough and unyielding. 

Continued...

Femininity Part 4 Nurture

Femininity

Part 1 Copied

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-1.html

Part 2 My Mom, Grandmother and Great Grandmother

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-2.html

Part 3 Cooking

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-3-cooking.html

4 Nurture

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-4-nurture.html

5 Feminine Mystique

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-5-filipina-mystique.html

===

When I was young, my mother studied in the city to finish her degree in accounting, so I lived with 1 aunt and 3 uncles in my grandmother's house. Their task was to help my mother while she studied. They took care of me.  I particularly bonded with my grandmother and my aunt. They were females and I know I was a female because they said so. Whenever they can, they reminded me of my feminine role in our culture. 

One thing that I learned when I was young living with them is the saying 'women nurture the family members'. My grandmother fits this role perfectly. She nurtured all of us when we were sick and provided food on the table daily. 

She was a dress maker. She made clothes for people and made sure we all ate 3 x a day. 

It was an extended family where everyone took care of everyone. 

During night time, I helped prepare the bed including putting her 'night granny potty' next to her bed.

We all slept in one part of the house without a dividing wall. My grandmother's house was made of bamboo, so before we sleep I helped lay down the mat plus blankets and hang the mosquito net on top of it, so mosquitoes will not come inside.

My childhood was filled with play, housework and school work. But when I get sick with fever, my grandmother was there to take care of me. 

Since I did not have appetite to eat when I had a fever, my grandmother used to feed me by munching on this cookie called 'aglipay' in her mouth and she used to feed it to me through my mouth. It was warm in my mouth. I was uncaring whether or not it tasted good, or whether it is sanitary or not. I was a kid who did what I was told to do by people who nurtured me and fed me, so I did what I was told to do. 

I know that my grandmother did what she knew best. So, bringing this memory back here makes me smile.

She used to drench the hand towel with a little bit of water and vinegar.  After she rung the extra water and vinegar from the hand towel, she folds it in a rectangular shape and puts it on my forehead. I was instructed to leave it there while I slept or while I relaxed in bed.  

She believed that this will take care of the fever and will make me feel better. 

After a few days, my fever would subside. So, I believed that whatever she did worked. I believed what she believed - that this was the best cure for fever. I did not question where she learnt this and why this worked. I merely accepted it as my grandmother's way of helping me out when I was sick.

Another food she used to give me when I was sick was porridge. It was made of rice, water and salt. That's it. Since I did not have appetite to eat, this also worked. It was soft and easy to swallow.

After she cooked the porridge, she would sit beside me and feed me using a spoon.

Continued...

Femininity Part 3 Cooking

Femininity

Part 1 Copied

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-1.html

Part 2 My Mom, Grandmother and Great Grandmother

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-2.html

Part 3 Cooking

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-3-cooking.html

4 Nurture

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-4-nurture.html

5 Feminine Mystique

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-5-filipina-mystique.html

===

I enjoy food preparation, cooking and eating.

When we were young,  my mom, my grandmother, and my great grandmother were the ones who cooked for us (my extended family). They were the ones who asked us what food we wanted to eat and they prepared, cooked, and ate it with us.

My great grandmother was the one who made those coconut sweets that I liked to eat when I was in the elementary grades. It was square shaped, chewy, sweet and had a hint of lime peels in it.

She had a store in front of our school and during recess, I went to her store and eat whatever I liked too eat. I had memories of drinking soda in glass bottles and eating some Philippine made biscuits which were mostly made of flour, sugar and milk. The one I particularly remembered was the round cookie that had a red food color outside and the 2 flaky, crispy cookies called 'romano' and 'aglipay' which was named after 2 religious groups in our town. How did it get its name? I do not have a clue.

Recess was not only a 'pleasure trip' to my great grandmother's store. It was also a trip to the back of our school where housewives sell 'goodies' in their baskets to earn a little bit of money that will pay for the food they prepare for their family.

I did not learn cooking though until I was married. I learned to cook to be able to feed my family.

Cooking became part of my feminine role not because I chose to but because our culture was set up in a way where women played a big role in feeding and taking care of family member's needs on a daily basis - which included cooking food.

Philippine pork adobo with rice

My great grandmother and my grandmother had a stone stove (like the one in the picture below). 

This was where they cooked our food with the help of housemaids using cut wood as fuel.

Continued...

Femininity Part 2 My Mother, Grandmother and Great Grandmother

Femininity

Part 1

Copied

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-1.html

Part 2 My Mom, Grandmother and Great Grandmother

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-2.html

Part 3 Cooking

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-3-cooking.html

Part 4 Nurture

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-4-nurture.html

Part 5 Feminine Mystique

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/08/femininity-part-5-filipina-mystique.html

===

I realized my femininity is a set of roles I copied from my mom and other females around me when i was growing up which our community validated as feminine roles. 

One of the roles I learned from watching my mom is putting make-up on my face.

When my mom went to a community event, she would put on a color coordinated dress/clothes or if it is slacks, she would wear them with a colorful shirt. She will go to the mirror, put on some lipstick. Then, she smacks her lips together so the red color will stick to her lips. She puts on foundation which has a light tan shade. The next thing she puts on is some blush-on and a blue gray shade of eye shadow. 

She had many different kinds of shoes so she usually picks one that will match her clothes. She puts it on and picks up her bag which is also color coordinated with her clothes.

My mom (wearing black) on the right

What I had a strong memory of was that she liked to buy new clothes or bags, shoes, and necklace  for her or for us to wear during family or community events. 

My grandmother also did the same 'feminine' add-ons. 

While my mom beautified herself when she attended community gatherings and meetings related to her role as a town counsellor, my grandmother beautified herself before she went to church almost everyday by putting on a red lipstick.

 What I remembered about her was that she liked putting small red peppers on her hair or sometimes she puts Jasmine flowers (Philippine variety) or Ylang-ylang on her hair. I used to smell the flowers on her hair and enjoy its aroma. 

She used a natural shampoo made from the bark of a tree and she would rinse it off with lime flavored water. Her hair's aroma had a hint of lime. I used to enjoy smelling her hair when she came out of the bathroom after she had a Philippine shower which was not really how we wash ourselves in the shower here in the US. 

She used a container in the past, puts the water there with some lime juice and then rinse her hair and body with the flavored water using a small container to scoop the water out of the bigger container on to her body and hair.

Continued...

2012 Redefining the Word 'Grandmother' Part 3 Day 41

Part 1

Part 2

Webster defines the word grandmother as :
Mother of one's father or mother

(Goodness R-ant And M-e with the O- ther-T-here not Her-e)

This definition is limited.
When one perceives oneself separate from all that exist - where one judge another as more than or less than who one really is - this is not best for all.

I am redefining it and giving it meaning equal to who i am as all life - a definition i can live

Redefining the word Grandmother:

Mother of ones mother or father

who perceives all as equal to Life by virtue of the fact that we are all born in this world
and that we are made of the same substance- dust, water, clay.

Perceives the sons and daughters, family etc. as oneself

Births oneself as life.

2012: My Grandmother Part 2 Day 40

References:

 Part 1

Part 2

In Part 1 i did self-forgiveness for how i experienced my grandmother. In this blog i will do self-forgiveness for connecting her name to other names and defining it within other words which make me see her more than or less than what/who she is - not realizing she is equal to all that exist - as all are made of the same substance that all are made of. These are the names of her children and grandchildren. I put only their initials. I am releasing that limited definition i gave the word grandmother - realizing that the word grandmother - is equal to all that exist - as life. Making the word grandmother more than what it is within judgment and projecting that to who she really is - is abusing her through my words. Words are symbols.  We live them as who we are as life - as the living words.
 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word VD
I forgive myself that i  have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word OD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word AR

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word JD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word AD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word DD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word  BD
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word RD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word JR
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word NR
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word SR
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word TP
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word KP
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word EDP
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word EJP
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word DR
I forgive myself that i  have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word BR
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word EP
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word WR
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word DRAD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word GD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word ANND
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word DEZD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word LD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word RD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word GD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word MOLAD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word  ABID
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word grandmother to the word ROD

 ===

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within  the word WR
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word EP
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word BR
I forgive myself that  i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word DR
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word EJP
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word EDP
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word KP
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word TP
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word SR
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word  grandmother within the word NR
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word JR
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word RD
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word BD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word DD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word ASD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word JD
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word AD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word OD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word VD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word DRAD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word GID
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word GLD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word
ROD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word DAD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word DED
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word LID
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word AND
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to  define the word grandmother within the word ROD
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word grandmother within the word ABD

2012: My Grandmother Part 1 Day 39

My Grandmother
Part 2
Part 3

In this blog, i will do self-forgiveness for  perceiving my grandmother separate from me - and judging her as more than or less than me - as i identify as the ego-personality - defined within an experience based on beliefs, judgments etc. I will also do self-forgiveness for other points of separation - i see as i blog. 

This is how i assist myself to stop the mind - and birth me here as all life.This is how i release me from a limited definition of the word grandmother. Judging her as the 'best' grandmother is defining her within how i see her - as separate from who i am - instead of realizing she is equal to all that exist - as me as all life.

Self-forgiveness Statements:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my grandmother as more than me and me less than her- believing that because she gave birth to my mom and my mom gave birth to me -  i will not be alive if not because of her and my mom - as i identify as the ego-personality - separate from all life -defined within knowledge and information about life and death


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my grandmother as more than me and me less than her - comparing her to me and others - believing that because she took care of me when i was young, when i cannot take care of myself  - she is good because without her i could not have been alive - as i identify as the ego-personality -perceived  separate from her and all parts of me as life - defined within knowledge and information about who i am - so fearing death/not existing without her.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my grandmother as more than me and me less than her  - believing that because she took care of me when my mother was not around - she is good-  because i fear not existing/dying - as i defined myself within knowledge and information - as the ego-personality - believing that i will die if no one will take care of me - not realizing that i am here as breath in every moment with or without a human form

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my grandmother as more than me and me less than her - believing that she is good and i am not as good/bad- defining myself within comparison, judgment and jealousy - with her as the smell of her hair - as her hair smells like lime - when she finishes taking a bath - because she uses lime juice to rinse her hair off - and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the smell of lime as more than other citrus smell - as i connected it to the smell of my grandmother's hair - within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to design competition within comparison, judgment and jealousy - with the lime - as i identify as the ego-personality - not realizing that i am equal to all that exist - as we are all made from the same substance all are made of.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself  to judge my grandmother as more than me and me less than her when she punishes me for not doing what i am supposed to do - when she ask me to do something - believing that she has the right to punish me because i did something wrong - then judge her as less than me - within backchat - believing she is cruel for punishing me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my grandmother punishing me by making me kneel in coarse salt with my hand stretched to the side  - when i do not do what i am asked to do - blaming her and spiting her for experiencing the pain.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to pity my grandmother because she is living alone and is being given the task of taking care of most of her grandchildren - including me, my sister and my brother.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself  to have the idea that my grandmother is a super hero because she was able to raise many grandchildren in her lifetime - defining myself within specialness - which is in essence arose out of comparing her with other women/mother, then judging her.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be guilty about taking a dime out of her sewing machine drawer - hiding it at first and then telling her later - that i used it to buy sweets that will make me feel good  - and accepting and allowing that dishonesty because i am her grandchild - believing that grandmothers love their grandchildren - justifying it by saying 'she's okay with it' - where i am defining love within self-dishonesty - with people who i have strong family/relationship ties.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that when i allow that small act of dishonesty in my life because of relationship tie - i support a personality systems based on that same point.

I commit myself to - through writing self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective application - assist myself to birth me here as life - through the process of self-perfection - until life will be born in the physical to be here forevermore.

I commit myself to expose my beliefs, judgments, ideas, justifications, fears etc. so that i can see them and direct them - within writing self-forgiveness and self-corrective application in every moment of breath - until life is born in the physical.

2012: Redefining The Word 'Son' Part 1 Day 28

The Word 'Son'

According to Wikipedia, a son is a male offspring; a boy or man in relation to his parents.

Redefining the word 'Son''

From

S-ervant as O-ffspring coming from d-N-a

A male offspring, a boy or a man born from his parents 

who was downloaded information from ones parents through the DNA who perceiving oneself as separate from all 

To

a male offspring, coming from ones parents -who sees the parent as oneself and births oneself here as who one really is - and stands for what is best for all.

Self-forgiveness Statements:

SF for perceived Separation:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word son

through giving it a positive value

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate from the word son through giving it a negative value

SF for Charging the Word Son with A Positive and a Negative Value

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word son with a positive value

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word son with a negative value

Positive Connections/Definitions

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word love
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the word love

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word birthday
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the word birthday

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word SVS
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the word SVS

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word AsJBS
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the word AsJBS

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word JBR
I forgive myself that ihave accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the word JBR

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word AlJBS
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the word AlJBS

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word intelligent
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the word intelligent

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word handsome
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the word handsome

Negative connections/Definitions
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word leave
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the word leave

I forgiver myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word s'collapsed lungs'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the words 'collapsed lungs'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word hospital
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the word hospital

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word death
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the word death

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word rage
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the word rage

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word pity
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the word pity

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word anger
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the word anger

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word adopted
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the word adopted

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word guilt
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the word guilt

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word away
I forgive myself that ih ave accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the word away

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word son to the word slippers
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word son within the word slippers

===

Self-forgiveness for Resonating and Experiencing The Word 'Son'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to 
resonate and experience the word 'son'
over and over again
into the very physical body
rippling through into the water
and actually program the very physical
from the depths of the physical itself

 Self- Correction Script

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness
and self-correction in my living application
recreate myself by rewriting the book within myself
releasing the positive and the negative energy charge
i had given the word 'son'

I commit myself to instead of connecting/defining
the word 'son'
to/within other words
assigning positive and negative values 
that are my mind interpretation of reality
redefine it as equal to my 
spoken and written expression
as who i am, what i am and how i am

I commit myself to when and as i see myself 

fearing losing 
using the word 'son' so i can feel bad/guilty
about not being with DSRSJ growing up
having the feeling that i lost something
and then wanting to win
using the word 'son'
to satisfy my desire to do something extraordinary
to make me feel good about myself 


fearing that i do not have someone to pass on my genes to
fear that i cannot propagate the race
using the word son to 
satisfy my desire to make my son 
a testimony to my generating capability
as a woman giving birth to a man who will continue the family tree
boasting about DSRSJ to others
believing he is intelligent and handsome 
because he has my genes
to have a sense of winning

using the word son to 
satisfy my desire that  DR is going to be intelligent 
and handsome because he has my genes
and that i will see him when he is ready
to feel good about myself 
to win

I stop
I breathe through the desire

I realize this is me as the mind
running away from my fears

fear of death - as the mother personality
fear of being impotent as a female married to a male
fear of not having a family
fear of not having a son
fear of being inferior

so desiring to be superior 
using the word 'son'
to give me life as the female/mother personality
the evil me separating myself from words 
through giving it a positive and a negative value
charging word 'son' with positive and negative values
connecting word 'son' to positive and negative values
defining the word 'son' within positive and negative values
instead of seeing and realizing i am equal to words i speak and write
as who i am as symbols
as words, as sentences, as sound

redefining the word 'son'
and using the word as equal to my expression
as who i am here

I assist myself to stabilize me as breath
before i speak
making sure i am clear within myself before
i speak and write the word

I assist myself to accept and allow me
to regain dimensional vision and see what is really here

===

Quote:
'to resonate and experience that word or such a memory
over and over and over again and because it resonates
over and over again into the very physical body
it ripple through into the water
and actually program the very physical from the depths of
the physical itself'
Parenting Perfecting The Human Race Part 6
https://eqafe.com/i/jroca-parenting-perfecting-the-human-race-part-6