In
part 1, i looked at how i interpreted what my dad said when he said, 'you are my
favorite child''. In this blog, i will look at other experiences in relation to this.
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| The Favorite Child |
Yesterday, my client came and pick up the 20 meals and the 20 desserts he ordered.
It's All About LOVE!
'You are the Best!'
A Judgment that is a polarity manifestation of positive and negative judgment
*He said 'you are the best' many times in his emails so i had this feeling i had to keep up this perception he had of me - and so when he came unexpectedly - i looked at how he will change his perception of me if he sees the mess in the kitchen. I had to do all the preparation all night which means i have to do so much chopping, blending, food processing and dish washing. I cleaned up before i prepare the food.
The night before - me and my partner bought the ingredients, so i put the food items out of the shopping bags and position them where i can easily access that which i need - not according to where they would look good - which is how i see the mind organizing things - not from the basis of common sense but from the basis of where it will look good.
Self-correction through Self-forgiveness and Self corrective application - correcting me in every moment when and as i see myself participating in judgment:
*Self-definition
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what i feel
Belief: When people like me i am good - so i feel good - and when they don't like me - i am bad- and i feel bad
Self-forgiveness for Belief:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when people like me i am good and when people do not like me i am bad
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad when others do not like me - what i do and how i do things
Manipulating Me to Do What Others Like So I Will feel Good
Self-forgiveness for Manipulation:
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate
myself to do what others like/love so they will like/love me so i will
feel good
Organizing and Not Organizing: Mess or No Mess
Self-forgiveness for defining myself within the polarity of mess or no mess, organizing or not organizing:
I forgive myself that i have
accepted and allowed myself to believe that organizing is good and not
organizing /mess is bad - as i identify as the ego/personality defining myself within the polarity of organizing and not organizing - mess and no mess
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*Belief:: If i put things where they will look good to me and others, in an organized way - i am good - and others will see me as good and if i do not put things where they will create a mess - am bad - and others will see me as bad.
Self-forgiveness for Belief:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if i have to put things where they will look good to me and others , in an organized way - i am good and others will see me as bad- and when i put things where they will not look good to me and others, in a disorganized way - i am bad - and others will see me as bad
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*When he knocked on the door i - i was almost finished but not completely. My mind is set up - where i tidy up after i finish what i am doing in the kitchen - so i have not washed some of the dishes. I have not put the leftover food inside the fridge. I have empty containers on top of the table.
*Belief: Washing all the used dishes is good and not washing all the used dishes is bad
Self-forgiveness for Belief:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that washing all the used dishes is good and not washing all the used dishes is bad - defining myself within the polarity of good and bad
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*I looked at how everything in the kitchen is positioned just like a woman entering a competition - making sure i will win.
Belief: The kitchen is a stage where i compete - so i make the food tasty - to win
Self-forgiveness for Belief:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the kitchen is a stage - where i compete - with others inside my mind - where i am being judged according to how my food will taste compared to others - believing i have to win the competition - so prepare food in separation from the plants that i will cut and prepare - not realizing that i am equal to the plants i will cut and prepare and the kitchen and all the tools in the kitchen - so rather than separate myself from the plants that i will cut and prepare - do self-forgiveness for the separation and commit to correct myself practically -in every moment - where when and as i see myself participatuing in comparison, judgment and jealousy - i stop and breathe - let go and realize that it is me separating myself within/as my mind within comparison, judgment and jealousy - designing competition - to realize that this is not real - because this has no real physical existence - so i commit to stop participating -because this is not best for me - as i will mine my physical body/substance for energy that i will use to keep this competition going inside my mind - and this is not best for all because - i will support personality systems doing the same thing - designing competition in the food network, in sports, in politics, in the oscars awards, the beauty competitions, the raw food competitions,cooking competitions, business competitions, nations competing against each other in war etc.
Self-forgiveness: Eternal Damnation
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and understand that if i mine the physical body with energy - it will lead to eternal damnation as eternal suffering for all
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*What I saw:
*The left over kale salad and the fruits on top of the stove top - and that to me was 'not supposed to be there'.
*The food processor had the raw tomato sauce with the spatula inside it - that to me was not supposed to be there. The raw tomato sauce should be in the fridge and the food processor should have been washed and dried.
Self-forgiveness for My Beliefs:
*Belief: it is good to put fruits and vegetables inside the refrigerator
after i finish preparing food - and it is bad to leave fruits and
vegetables outside the refrigerator after i finish preparing food
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is good/right to put the fruits and vegetables inside the refrigerator after i finish preparing food - and it is bad/wrong to leave the fruits and vegetables outside the refrigerator after i finish preparing food
*Belief: It is good/right to wash the food processor after i finish using it -
and it is bad/wrong to not wash the food processor after i finish using
it
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is good/right to wash the food processor after i finish using it - and it is bad/wrong to not wash the food processor after using it.
*Belief: It is good/right to clean the spatula after i used it to mix the
sauce - and it is bad to not clean the spatula after i used it to mix
the sauce
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that it is good/right to clean the spatula after i used it to mix the sauce - and it is bad/wrong to not clean the spatula after i used it to mix the sauce
*Belief: It is good/right to put the tomato sauce inside the
refrigerator after i made it - and it is bad/wrong to not put the tomato
sauce inside the refrigerator after i made it
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that it is good/right to put the tomato sauce inside the refrigerator after i made it - and it is bad/wrong to not put the tomato sauce inside the refrigerator after i made it.
*Belief: It is good/right to follow the rules in the kitchen - and it is bad/wrong to not follow the rules in the kitchen
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that it is good/right to follow the rules in the kitchen - and it is bad/wrong to not follow the rules in the kitchen
* Belief: It is good/right to be good/right in my eyes and in the eyes of others -and it is bad/wrong to be bad/wrong in my eyes and in the eyes of others
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that it is good/right to be good/right in my eyes and in the eyes of others - and it is bad/wrong to be bad/wrong in my eyes and in the eyes of others
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*In my point of view - as the ego- personality, i will lose this competition. I designed myself to win - to be the best - for others to like/love me - so i manipulate myself to do that which people will like/love - and hide that which they will not like/not love.
Self-forgiveness:
Perceiving Myself Separate From All - An Observer with a Point of View
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have a point of view - as i identify as the ego-personality perceiving myself separate from all life - not realizing i am equal to all that exist and the only real point of view is - me as all life - standing and viewing all as me - standing for what is best for all
Fear of Losing the Competition
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to doubt me as who i am as self- equal to all that exist - and so within this be uncertain about how i should do things - to please others or just express as me here -lost within a belief that self is divided into 2 worlds of the mind and the physical -building the anxiety - where fear of not being liked by others wins - the mind wins - and my doingness is directed by that fear - where i manipulate myself to use my voice. my physical body movements, control my breathing - to win - within the perceived competition - comparing, judging and being jealous - not realizing that i am here alone in my process of self-perfection - and instead of honoring that fear and engaging in competition within my mind - consuming physical substance - i simply live as who i am - express me - chop vegetables, work in the kitchen, deal with my clients - equal to/as me.
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*Within defining me as the best - according to how i interpreted my dad was perceiving me - impulsed by the words 'you are my favorite daughter' i am defining me within
being the worst - as
FEAR of LOSS.
Self-forgiveness:
Wanting To Be 'The Best' as Fear of Being the Worst - Fear Driving Me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define me as the best - according to how my dad perceive me - impulsed by the words' you are my palangga' meaning 'you are my favorite daughter' - and within that fear being trashed - so look for ways and means to be the best - so be impulsed by the words 'you are the best' - to participate within competition in the mind - where i use my body movements in the kitchen to express that fear of loss - fear of losing and be known as the worst - so desire to be the best - in the way my food taste - not realizing that i am here as breath in every moment - equal to the food i am preparing - as the plants - equal to all that exist - as the tools i use in the kitchen - equal to/as my client CB.
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*I fear losing that position of being the best - having defined myself within being the 'best' - according to what others say - fearing that, i will lose that position- so i have to hide my imperfections - and so my client should come only when i can present my best.
Self-forgiveness:
FEAR of losing my identity as the best
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my identity as the 'best/favorite personality'
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide my
imperfections to preserve my identity as the best/favorite personality'
believing that my client should come only when i can present my best
Beliefs are not Real - I created It In My Mind
I
forgive myself that i have not seen/realize and understand that beliefs are not real - i created it in my mind with no real physical existence.
Rather than Hide My Imperfections, Express Self He re as Who I Am Equal To All That Exist?
I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that when i hide my imperfections, i am participating in the mind, in my secret mind - and it directs me and my expression - so rather than hide - do self-forgiveness and correct myself and my starting point - as the self expressing here - simply living as who i am - equal to all that exist.
Manipulating Others To Like Me Is Manipulating Substance
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have to manipulate
myself to be liked by others
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others to like/love me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others through my words and movements
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*This is how i participate in self-judgment. First, i have to compare
myself to others who i consider the best - in their field - who i
defined as people having many fans. In the raw food world they are chefs
who have so many friends, with pages so many people like, whose posts
are about their success in making delicious recipes. Then after i
compare, i judge them and/or myself - and if i see anyone more than me i
get jealous.
Self-forgiveness:
Comparing Myself To Others
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself, what i do and how i do it - to others who i consider the best in their field - who i defined as people having many fans
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have many fans - because i saw actresses and public figures as powerful and successful
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Belief: My Mom as The Best - As A Life - Giver
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mom is the best because she won as a counsellor in our country - interpreting that, i too, have to be the best and get many votes to win - just like my mom - within this - i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my mom - within this - I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge me as less than my mom and my mom as more than me - because she gave me life - by giving birth to me into this world - so i do what she does - enter in a competition - within my mind to win - so i can give life to me - as the ego-personality separating myself from who i am as life.
Belief: The Raw Food Chefs with Fans As The Best
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the raw food chefs that have many fans with recipes on their wall that look good and which so many people like - are the best - and those without many fans are the worst - so strive to have many fans - so sees my client, CB as my fan - and do everything i can to preserve his vote so i can be the best - and within that fear to be the worst - within this i forgive myself to judge the raw food chefs namely, AM, MM, RJ, FP as more than me - and me less than them -and to make the game even - i judge their recipe as less than my recipe- and my recipe as more than theirs - then hide my recipe - believing that if they get the best tasting food - they will be the winner - so keep it to myself - so i will be the winner - in this mind created competition that i made up inside my mind - which is not real - not realizing that i am here as self, unchanging and eternal - equal to all that exist - so simply live as who i am equal to all that is here.
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Defining The Word Power Within the Word Fans
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define power within the word fans
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word power and the word fans
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Comparing Myself to People Who Are Successful
Belief: People who are successful are winners
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to people who are successful
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people who are successful are winners
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Connecting the word 'Successful' to the word 'Fans'
Defining the word 'Successful' within the word 'Fans'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'successful' within the word 'fans'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'successful' to the word 'fans'
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*Belief: Winners have to compete to win
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that winners have to compete to win
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Belief: Winners have to have people to compare themselves to
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that winners have to have people to compare themselves to
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*Belief: Competitors have to fulfill a criteria to be qualified to compete in their respective field
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that competitors have to fulfill a criteria to be qualified to compete in their respective field
*Belief: Competitors should have more positive votes than negative votes to win the competition
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that competitors should have more positive votes than negative votes to win the competition
*Belief: More negative votes mean i will lose the competition
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that more negative votes mean i will lose the competition
*FEAR having negative votes
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having negative votes
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*Belief: negative votes will make me lose the competition
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that negative votes will make me lose the competition
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*Belief: if i lose the competition i will be the labelled as the worst chef -
and so i will not exist as the ego-personality that i defined myself
into creation
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if i lose the competition i will be the labelled as the worst chef - and so i will not exist as the ego-personality that i defined myself into creation - not realizing that i am here as self - equal to all that exist - as we are made from the same substance all are made of.
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The words 'Worst Chef' connected to the word 'Asian'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the words 'worst chef' to the word Asian
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Defining Me as an Asian
Connecting the word Asian to the words 'Third world country'
Defining the word Asian within the word 'Third world country'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define me as an Asian
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'Asian' to the words 'third world country'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'Asian' within the words 'third world country'
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Connecting the words 'third world country' to the word 'Poverty'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the words 'third world countries' to poverty
Connecting the word 'Poverty' to the word 'Suffering'
Defining the word 'poverty' within the word 'suffering'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'poverty' to the word 'suffering'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'poverty' within the word 'suffering'
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Connecting the word 'Suffering' to the word 'Pain'
Defining the word 'suffering' within the word 'Pain'
I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'suffering' to the word 'pain'
i forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to define the word suffering within the word 'pain'
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Connecting the word 'Poverty' to the word 'Survive'
Defining the word 'Poverty' within the word 'Survive'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'poverty' to the word 'survive'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'poverty' within the word 'survive'
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Connecting the word 'Poverty' to the word 'Death'
Defining the word 'Poverty' within the word 'death'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word poverty to the word 'death'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'poverty' within the word 'death'
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Connecting the word 'Death' to the word 'Non-existence'
Defining the word 'Death' within the word 'Non-existence'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'death' to the word 'non - existence'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'death' within the word 'non-existence'
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Connecting the word 'Non-existence' to the word 'Losing'
Defining the word 'Non-existence' within the word 'Losing'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'non-existence' to the word 'losing'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'non-existence' within the word 'losing'
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Connecting the word 'Death' to the word 'Life'
Defining the word 'Death' within the word 'Life'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'death' to the word 'life'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'death' within the word 'life'
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Connecting the word 'Death' to the word 'Survive'
Defining the word 'Death' within the word 'Survive'
I forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'death' to the word 'survive'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'death' within the word 'survive'
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Connecting the word 'Life' to the word 'Survive'
Defining the word 'Life' within the word 'Survive'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'life' to the word 'survive'
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'life' within the word 'survive'
Connecting the word 'Survive' to the word 'Money'
Defining the word 'Survive' within the word 'Money'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'survive' to the word 'money'
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'survive' within the word 'money'
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Connecting the word 'Fear' to the word 'Losing
Defining the word 'Fear' within the word 'losing'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'fear' to the word 'losing'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'fear' within the word 'losing'
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Connecting the word 'Power' to the word 'Love'
Defining the word 'Power' within the word 'Love'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word power to the word love
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word power within the word love
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Connecting the word 'Success' to the word 'Love'
Defining the word 'Success' within the word 'Love'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'success' to the word 'love'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'success' within the word 'love'
Connecting the word 'Best' to the word 'Love'
Defining the word 'Best' within the word 'Love'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'best' to the word 'love'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'best' within the word 'love'
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The word 'Mother' and the word 'Love'
Self-forgiveness for connecting the word mother to other words and defining it within other words - and living it - seeing my mother more than or less than what she is - equal to all that exist - as me
Mother and Love:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'mother' to the word 'love'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'mother' within the word 'love'
Mother and Votes:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'mother' to the word 'votes'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'mother' within the word 'votes'
Votes and Love:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'votes' to the word 'love'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'votes' within the word 'love'
Mother and People:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'mother' to the word 'people'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to define the word 'mother' within the word 'people'
Mother and Best:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'mother' to the word 'best'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'mother' within the word 'best'
Mother and Filipina:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'mother' to the word 'Filipina'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and alllowed myself to define the word 'mother' within the word ''Filipina'
Mother and Philippines:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'mother' to the word 'Philippines'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'mother' within the word 'Philippines'
Mother and Public:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'mother' to the word 'public'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'mother within the word 'public'
Mother and Money:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'mother' to the word 'money'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'mother' within the word 'money'
Mother and Cooking:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'mother' to the word 'cooking'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'mother' within the word 'cooking'
Mother and Food
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'mother' to the word 'food'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'mother' within the word 'food'
Grandmother and Food:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'grandmother' to the word 'food'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'grandmother' within the word 'food'
Mother and Tears
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'mother' to the word 'tears'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'mother within the word 'tears'
Tears and Pity:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'tears' to the word 'pity'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'tears' within the word 'pity'
Tears and Love:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'tears' to the word 'love'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'tears' within the word 'love'
Mother and Popular
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'mother' to the word 'popular'
Mother and Win:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'mother' to the word 'win'
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Let's look at my childhood:
My relationship with my dad:
I fear doing something wrong - because i might lose my dad's vote. I justified defining myself as the 'i am the best personality' by making good grades in school - better than my brother and sister - which is also existing within competition - designed through comparison, judgment and jealousy. Instead of me taking self- responsibility by writing self-forgiveness and self-commitment to stop, I'd rather manipulate myself to get better grades or do what he likes me to do - like staying in the house and making him some coffee as he worked on his engineering drafts or designs of highways and houses. Because of that fear of losing his 'vote' or losing his approval that i am the 'best child' - i manipulated myself to like what he likes to do and support it. I also suppressed myself to express me and enjoy life as who i am. Instead of writing self-forgiveness and self- commitment to stop, i accepted and allowed it.
Belief: doing what he likes me to do and getting love as a reward is good, and not doing what he liked me to do and not getting a reward liked/loved is bad
How i see my dad:
I defined my dad as the 'best dad'. He earns good money to support all of us because he worked abroad from time to time and received payment in dollars. Since the currency in the Philippines is pesos which has a lower value - i defined the dollar as having more value ) defining money within competition - designed through comparison, judgment and jealousy - and because i connected money to my dad - i defined my dad as more than other men - defining him as the 'best dad'. Instead of writing self-forgiveness and self-commitment to stop, i accepted and allowed it.
I saw my dad as a savior. He was 19 years older than my mom when they got married according to stories i heard my mom tell me and relatives. According to my mom, he asked my grandmother for her hand and my grandmother said yes. She said she was not asked.
I never saw him come to my dad and hug him nor kiss him. He would always be the one to hug her and kiss her when she's angry. What she would do at that point is to resist his hug and kisses. But when i see her do that me and my sister and brother would cheer for my dad to kiss her - where i was excited to see if my dad would be able to make her laugh. Most of the time he would succeed so i get excited when that happened.
My relationship with my mom:
'I want to be liked by others'
I noticed that when we visit friends and relatives she talks about the positive things i have done and usually they smile and pat me in the back - and say some words like 'ohhh- that's good Bap (my nickname), so you are the best child - keep it up'. So, in response i would smile and look away - where i will be the 'shy personality' - a personality that i created to justify existing as the 'you're the best personality'. I made sure that i do not tell them what else i did that is not good, wrong or negative - which i keep in the deep recesses of my mind - so they will not know who i have become -as the evil personality that designs competition in my mind within myself and others. So, when my mom would say something good about me to others i would smile a little bit - and then pat the back of my mom and say 'no, ma, don't tell them that' - which is me being shy about my mom lifting me up - or making me good in the eyes of others - because i know i am not that. Instead of me taking self-responsibility and write my self-forgiveness and self-commitment to stop, i accepted and allowed myself to exist within competition - the winning and losing game where i compare, judge and get jealous, I'd rather be shy about it. I accepted and allowed it. I just acted as if i was just an observer - so i will not have to take self-responsibility for what i accepted and allowed.
How i see my mom:
'I am a savior personality'
I see my mom as a savior, as someone who gave me life, someone who i can depend on , someone who will always be there for me - in essence i saw her as more than me - and within that judge me as less than her - and within that design comparison, judgment and jealousy.
I also saw that when she became counsellor of our town, people would knock on our door to ask for help when members of their family got sick.She would contact the government agency like the air force one time and they will send an airplane to ship the sick to the hospital for free. I believed that was good.
So, instead of taking self-responsibility by writing self-forgiveness and writing self-commitment to stop existing within competition - the winning and losing game, i accepted and allowed it.
The way i see her personality:
'I am a happy go lucky personality'
I saw her as a personality that is always with people. She would always be talking to people and she would help them always. I interpreted that as her wanting to save others from poverty and suffering. I never saw her cry nor get sad. She got angry but i never saw her cry. I saw that as stability. I saw her as a rock i can lean on - where i judged her as more than me and me as less than her.
The way she dressed up:
"I want to dress up personality':
I saw that she was always dressed up. When she gets invited to attend an event or party, she would most of the time buy new clothes for that occasion and she made sure she also got something for me, my sister and my brother.She would have a dress for every occasion and shoes that goes with the dress most of the time. I interpreted that as - her wanting me to present her best so others will like like her - which supports the point of competition which i was already participating within. At home she wasn't dressed up. She just puts on a duster - a loose dress that is very comfortable to wear.
The way she treated my dad:
'I want to play the courtship game'
I did not see her kiss nor hug my dad. But she would always cook for everyone of us. She would cook my dad food that he liked and i hear my dad talk in his dialect and say 'maado - kaado ado' - which means 'very tasty'.
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Let's look at my relationship with my grandmother:
'I am a savior personality'
When my mom had to study in the city, i was left with my grandmother. She took care of me, my sister and my brother. We lived with 2 aunts (i remembered living with just one aunt as my other aunt left to live with another relative) and 3 uncles.So, with her, i was not treated special - i was just one of the kids. But because my mom was not there - and she was the one taking care of us, i defined her as a giver of life, as the 'best grandmother', as the one that gives me life. So what she does i equated to life. In essence, i am designing competition - the winning and losing game -
within comparison, judgment and jealousy. Instead of writing
self-forgiveness and self-commitment to stop existing within
competition, i accepted and allowed it.
How i see her as a 'religious'
I tarted doing what my grandmother did because i saw her as a giver of life - because she took care of us when my mom was not there. I saw her going to church 3 times a day and waking up early in the morning to pray - so i defined that as good. I started doing the same thing she did. I went to church with her and started praying like her. Early in the morning, when she prays the rosary, at about 4 AM, she would wake us up and pinch me in my thigh if i will not wake up and pray with her. I had to respond to the repeated affirmation that God is good - and when i do that - in essence i am accepting that there is someone more than me. I am judging God as more than me and me less than him.
The House we lived in:
When i lived with my father and mother, we lived in a big house
My grandmother had a smaller house.
The living room floor is made of concrete and there is a small stairs going to the family room which acts as the bedroom. There were no partitions in the upper floor - which is more like a loft.. The floor was made of bamboo where air passed through which cools that part of the house. Upon reaching the upper floor one sees her sewing machine facing the window. The window opens and closes with the help of a bamboo pole. There's one bed in the end of the room, but at night, we all sleep on the floor on a mat made out of dried leaves of the coconut and to protect us from mosquitoes, we put a mosquito net by attaching the corners of it to a nail in 4 corners of the room .
I became shy about being poor - as i defined being poor as having a small house - where i connected the word poor and the word house - and judged a small house as less than a big house and a big house as more than a small house - so i designed competition - within comparison, judgment and jealousy. Instead of writing self-forgiveness and self-commitment to stop, i accepted and allowed it.
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Belief:: my grandmother is the best, other grandmothers are not as good (bad)
Belief: being rich is good, being poor is bad
Belief: having a big house is good, having a small house is bad
Judgment: My grandmother is more than me, i am less than my grandmother
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My Illness: Cancer
'I love to be healthy personality'
I fear having cancer or any disease that will endanger my life.I saw diseases as more than me and me less than them so So, from this fear, i decided be healthy. I saw people who eat vegetarian food to be healthy so i turned vegetarian. I saw some people turn raw vegan - so i turned raw vegan. I did not see that the starting point is fear of losing my body - which is fear of not existing.
In My Relationships:
SVS:
He studied at the same school i studied. He would make fun of me by making me squat in front of everyone when we had our high school army training. He would walk under my umbrella when he saw me walking home after school to tease me. I would resist him by playfully hitting him with my umbrella. He would laugh when i do this to him - and i enjoyed that courtship game. I judged him as more than me and me less than him
We got married and had kids. He was a systems analyst so i studied computer programming to understand what he does. I also asked his mom her recipes so that i can cook what he liked. That was the first time i learned how to cook.
He always eat at his mom's place so I feared losing him - for his mom or other women. I decided to learn how to cook. So, cooking was a way for me to be liked by people around me. In the beginning i judged him as more than me and me less than him. But in the end- i judged him as less than me and me more than him
SA
I always talk to this guy in a way - telling him i liked him and manipulated for him to like me by asking him to to bring me home in the middle of the night - so we will spend some time alone together as he was always surrounded with people. We had a short relationship and had a child. I succeeded in getting him to like/love me and in the end i ended the relationship because of money problems - then i turned around and blamed him for it. I judged him as less than me and me more than him.
MT
I needed someone to take care of me at that time i was in a foreign country - so i went out with him. I put on clothes that fit me well. it was colored mustard and black. He was not into commited relationships. I judged him as more than me and me less than him.
JW
He turned vegetarian when he met me. He was a 'happy go lucky' guy. He was older than me but i cooked him nice vegetarian meals which he liked - so he liked that. I interpreted that as him liking/loving me - but he was not into marriage so i judged him as more than me and me less than him
MX
He liked drawing aboriginal paintings so he taught me how to put dots in the painting. He treated me well. He was not doing yoga but he did do yoga. I interpreted that as - he liked/loved me as he liked to please me by doing what i like to do.I did not get excitement in that relationship and was bored. I judged him as less than me and me more than him
ANO
He was everything i did not want - but my relationship at that time was not working - so i cheated and had a short fling with him. He was a man who does not fit into my definition of a man i will like/love. I defined that as freedom and being in a long lasting relationship as control. I judged him as more than me and me less than him
KV
He was handsome and intelligent. He was a student. He did not have money. I liked for him to love me - but he was not into that at that time. He was just passing by. I felt bad because i interpreted that as losing - so i judged him as more than me and me less than myself.
RD
He was very jealous. I was also very jealous. We had good sex - so i judged him as more than me and me less than him - where if i lose him i will lose that good feeling.
RL
He said he wanted to be vegetarian after i fed him some vegetarian food- so i interpreted that as him liking/loving me . We got married after that. I judged him as less than me and me more than him.
