2012: The Female Personality: Movement Blog: 'I Like Men To like Me' Part 1 Day 42

What do i do to make men like me - and why?

In this blog i am sharing how i experienced me when i was doing a 'nori roll making' class.I am looking at who i have become as the female personality defined by my interaction with a male personality - perceived separate from me - which is connected to my memory of me as a 'Filipina female personality'. So, i will also walk the timeline of who i have become as the female personality in the succeeding parts of this blog.


When i started talking to JF, a man who is attending the class, i started noticing me changing - i noticed my eyes widen when i talk. He knows how to cook and prepare food. he's got white skin, wearing biking clothes colored red and black. He reminded me of my friend from Europe who i was attracted to in the past. He had a slim body with muscles. I looked at how he cut the vegetables. I rarely see men who can cook well - so when i saw him cutting the vegetables with confidence, my eyes widen and the pitch and tone of my voice changed. I accessed a memory of my friend - and a picture of how he looked while he was cutting vegetables in the past. I started connecting the color of their skin. The widening of my eyes, my words and the change in the pitch and the tone of my voice happened because my experience of this man is more than what it really is - because i connected him with my friend in the past who i was attracted to.

I am not here. I am trapped as the female personality defined by my experience of a male personality - where i felt good being liked by a male. Who i really am - is here as the physical body - experiencing another physical body as who i am - equal to all that exist - based on the fact that all are made of the same substance all are made of.

I would like to direct me as the 'female personality' wanting to be liked by men, here - back to self-  by doing self-forgiveness for what i have accepted and allowed within my lifetime, and commit that i will direct me in every moment as breath, and correct my application in every moment when and as i see me changing when in front of a male -where i change my body movement and words to please the male - so they will like me - and to stop me as the ego/personality/mind and birth me here as self as Life.

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Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to push behind who i really am as self in favor of the mind- existing as the female personality defined within the belief that i am a female personality - existing within a self-definition of who i have become as separate from a male - defining myself as the female personality  into existence

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to within wanting to survive as the female personality - participate in the mind - by changing who i am as my expression within my words and body movements - using words to express me as the female personality wanting to be liked by a male personality - defining myself within like and dislike - to continue living as the personality as i use it to feel good - within an excuse - to justify me existing as the ego/personality/mind -  in essence saying 'i cannot take self-responsibility' to stop me as the mind  - so blaming me - as who i perceived me as a limited female personality-  as the limited mind interpretation of who i am based on my experience of me as that limited personality - as a self-definition - not realizing that i am here as self -as the entirety of who i am as my conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind within and as the body - in every moment of breath.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate the of use words to be liked by JF
- where i started to ask about what he does - while i was assessing who he is as the male personality - knowing he will ask me back what i am doing - which i interpreted as him interested in who i am as the female personality - which makes me feel good as the female personality because that gives life to who i have defined myself as - and which is what i have done when i wanted a man to like me - to feel good as the female personality - defined by like and dislike - believing that when men like me i am good -and when men don't like me i am bad - within self - judgment - where i interpreted good as me surviving as the personality -and bad as me not surviving as the personality -  defining myself within survival and death -within fear of not surviving as the female personality - not realizing that words are equal to all that exist - so i have to live my words as who i am and expressing who i am as self - within this, i forgive myself for abusing words to manipulate others/men to liking me as the ego-personality.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be liked by JF and use body movement - my eyes opening wide - to express that in the physical - and connect desire - which is not real ( created in my mind)  to that which is real -the physical body - abusing the physical body and its expression - so within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the physical body by using it to express desire - not realizing that the body is equal to all that exist - as it is made from the same substance all are made of - and that it expresses itself in the physical within self-directed actions from the starting point of self - within what is best for all life.
 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the color of the skin of JF to the color of the skin of UGI  - which made me see JF's skin color, more than what they really are - in essence judging me and my skin color as less than  his skin color - existing within judgment - believing that the color white is more than the color brown.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word color

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word skin
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word body
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word JF
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word UGI


I commit to - through writing self-forgiveness and self-corrective action to assist me in stopping the ego/personality/mind and birthing me here as life - and commit myself to when and as i see myself judge white skin as more than brown skin - i stop and breath and realize that it gives me life as the ego-personality - within self-sabotage - so i stop participation because this is not what is best for me and not what is best for all.


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My Dad wanting to be liked by me:
" My favorite daughter'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that  i can manipulate others to like me by calling them names of endearment - defined by an experience of the past within a memory - of when my dad used to call me 'palangga' - which means ' my favorite daughter' - which made me feel liked and which made me feel good - within judgment - within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within a judgment - as the word special/favorite -existing in competition - within comparison, judgment and jealousy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as special according to how my dad see me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my dad as more than other men because he calls me 'palangga' or 'favorite child' and to project this on to other men by using words and body movement to make them like me.

I commit to through writing self-forgiveness and self-corrective application - assist me to when and as i see myself judge white skin as more than brown skin - i stop and breathe and realize this game of winning and losing that i am participating creates the competition in this world -to stop me here in every moment as i am here in every moment as breath.
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My dad wanting to be liked by my mom by embracing her when she's angry and lifting her up in the air:
 "I don't want you to be angry - i want you to smile"

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can manipulate people and get them to change their moods to like/love me - through the use of body movements and words - a smile, words of 'consolation' with a low tone, low pitched voice and an embrace when someone is angry etc. - defined by an experience of me in the past - within a memory of my dad lifting my mom up in the air with his arms when she is getting upset - where i interpreted that as him wanting to be liked by my mom and succeeding at that - where he embraces my mom tightly and lifts her up in the air - as a sign of love -my mom stops being angry and laughs - within this i forgive myself to connect love with laughter.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the sound of  'hahaha' by giving it a positive value and the sound 'grrrrr' with a negative value
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the sound of laughter as 'hahaha' as more than the sound of anger as 'grrrrr' and the sound of anger as 'grrrrr' as less than me - existing within competition within comparison, judgment and jealousy.

I commit myself to through writing self-forgiveness and commitment to correct myself in every moment when and as i see myself manipulating others with words and body movement - realizing that this is not best for me and not best for all

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Elementary Grade:
'I want to be liked by EM'
 
I forgive myself to  use body movement - when i see EM when i was about 7 years old  - suppressing my expression as self and manipulating me to become the female personality-  for him to like me by limiting the way my hips, my feet and hands move - and the words i use - so he will not think i am 'forward' or 'vulgar' - defining myself within the Filipino culture as a 'Filipina' - limited in word or bodily expression -where the society as culture directs me to behave and say what is acceptable in the society - defining myself within good and bad - as morality.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to see EM everyday so i can dance with him near me as my dance partner in our school dance practice and performance  - where i experienced him as the male personality - defined as someone i like  - that can give life to me as the female personality - not realizing that it is experiencing the body equal and one as me that is being enjoyed by me as who i am as the body.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide near the window of my grandmother's house and secretly look at him in school - hiding my desire to be with another personality because 'it is not allowed to have a boyfriend at a young age' - defining myself within freedom and control  based on culture and morality.

I commit myself to direct me in every moment when and as i see myself desire another as the personality separate from all -wanting to experience/touch the body separate from me- realizing this is not best for me because i am equal to the body and all that exist - and this is not what is best for all - because i will be supporting personality systems in this world based on desire and abuse of the body.