Happiness: My Grandmother, The 'Virgin Mary' , Conception, Sex and The Rosary : Day 133

 

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This Blog is A continuation of These Blogs: 

Who Am I? The 'Tantrik Yogi' Character 

Self-correction SC: Stepping out of The 'Tantrik Yogi' Character Part 1

Miracles: Stepping Out of The 'Tantrik yogi' character part 2 

The Secret Mantra: Stepping out of The 'Tantrik Yogi' Character Part 3 

The Mantra: Initiation: SF and SC: The 'Tantrik Yogi' Character Part 4

Mantra: Initiation: The 'Tantrik Yogi' Character Part 5

Redefining The Word 'Mantra'

The Word 'Mantra' Connected To 'Eternal Life'

'Happiness' Connected To 'Eternal Life'

Speaking the Word Happiness Without Giving It a 'Positive' Meaning

Making others Happy SF: The Word Happiness

Happiness: Laughter: Basil in Fawlty Towers

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In my last blog, i did self-forgiveness for believing i will make my grandmother happy by praying the rosary with her. In this blog i am doing my self-commitment statement in the beginning part and then i will do some more self-forgiveness for backchats etc. 

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Self-commitment Statement:

I commit myself to when and as i see myself  believing 'what my Grandmother loves i am supposed to love' - i stop - i breath. I realize that this comes from 'fear of my grandmother getting angry' - where i forced myself to pray the rosary when i was very young - where at  about 4am to 5am in the morning when she recited the rosary inside the mosquito net ( we sleep using the net so mosquitoes will not bite us on the skin) where she would pinch me in my thigh so i will wake up and pray the rosary with her - where within this - the scenes of how painful that pinch was and the voice of my grandmother plus her spoken word  'ave maria purissima' ('most pure Mary')and my 'ilicited forced response' 'sin pecado concebida' ('conceived without sin') replays within/as my mind like a movie where,

 My backchats were:

'I am just her granddaughter'
'She will get angry if i do not pray with her'
'I better do this even if i don't like to'
'If i don't do what she wants me to do she will keep pinching me until i wake up'
'Rather than prolong the misery, i will just wake up and do what she wants me to do to keep the peace '
'This might be what is good for me to do'

Through this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to fear  my grandmother getting angry.

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The Subconscious Mind

Self-forgiveness for Backchats:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to judge my grandmother as more than me and me less than myself believing that the past generation - as my  grandmother -  gave my mom the seeds (ovary in her body to produce eggs that united with my dad's sperms) to be able to 'procreate' - believing that without those seeds from my grandmother, my father and my mother-  i will not be alive - defining myself within the fear of not existing - and through this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my grandmother as more than myself and me less than myself believing that i am lucky to be alive - not realizing that this is coming from the starting point of fear  of not existing.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to judge my grandmother as more than myself and me less than myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to fear pain
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to separate from my body.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a method to separate from pain

The Mosquito Net
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I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the words 'ave maria purisima' ('most pure Mary') , 'sin pecado concebida' ('conceived without sin'), by giving these words a positive value - where i am  using these words to ask for mercy - judging myself as a sinner - judging myself as less than myself,  and specializing Mary - judging her as more than myself - where i venerate Mary through the words 'ave maria purisima' ('most pure Mary') , 'sin pecado concebida' ('conceived without sin') - where i believed she conceived Jesus without having sex with Joseph - which i created within/as my mind based on books i have read and words i have heard in church - without really testing and investigating all the dimensions of this - hoping that she will have mercy on me or answer my prayers - hoping that she will bless me - defining myself within the 'hoping' character and the 'words as prayer' character.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and diminish myself by letting my grandmother direct what i say and do - rather than me directing what i say and do - defining myself within the   'self-suppression' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'giving up' character where because i pity myself at that moment - 'pitying myself' believing that i do not have the right to say 'no' - so 'gave up on myself' instead of saying 'no' and tell my grandmother what i am experiencing at that moment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize/see or understand that i am accepting and allowing the physical body to be abused at that moment - the same physical body that is assisting me to move and express myself in the physical - defining myself within the 'victim' character.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear anger - desiring peace - defining myself within peace and chaos - agreement and disagreement - anger and no anger, fear or no fear.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to doubt what is good for me - defining  who i am as the 'doubting' character - that i created within/as my mind - as i believed i am split into 2 - one that is eternal and one that is not eternal, one that is perfect and one that is not perfect - doubting and uncertain of who i am - so gave my grandmother the authority to decide for/as myself  - not realizing that i am here as breath in every moment..

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge Mary as more than myself and me less than myself - within/as my mind - defining myself within the 'Virgin Mary' character - not realizing that this is an idea that made up within/as my mind that is not real - as i created an alternate version of me in an alternate reality and created an alternate version of Mary - which is pure and conceived without sin - which i only heard the priest saying and read some prayer books writing about Mary - but NO ONE has really seen Mary - i just gave life to her in my imagination which i believed to be real because of what i have seen and heard which i did not really investigate the full details of/as.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not existing - so desires to have eternal life - believing that 'through praying the rosary through Mary i will be able to make Jesus save me - defining myself within the 'save me Jesus through Mary' character -  not realizing i am here as the flesh - as the body - as the physical - made from the same substance all are made of - which essentially mean i am equal to all that exist.

Sleepiness
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to sleep - but remains awake because of fear of being pinched by my grandmother - defining myself within the 'fear of sleeping' character.

The Breath:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to while praying the rosary - i am not here as the breath in every moment - holding my breath, as i am having backchat about why i was doing what i was doing - defining myself within the 'holding the breath in prayer' character

The Body:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself 'as the knees' bent push me into positions expressing 'desire to be loved' - defining myself within the 'knees bent as desire to be loved' character
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself 'as the forefinger and the thumb of the right hand' touching the bead of the rosary push me into positions expressing 'desire to be loved' - defining myself within the 'forefinger and thumb touching beads as desire to be loved' character.

Reaction:
Anger
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry to myself that i have been weak to say 'no, please do not pinch the body' - defining myself within the 'weak' character

Fear
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear by doing what i was told to do by my grandmother - defining myself within the 'reacting in fear of grandmother' character

Consequence
I 'tried to like what i was doing', until one day i saw myself 'liking to pray the rosary' - manipulating myself to manifest the desire to 'love what my grandmother loves to do - pray ',  in the physical - as i 'experience some calmness when i pray the rosary' - believing it was Jesus or the 'Virgin Mary' that is 'giving me that calmness'.

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I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself to manifest a consequence - of my desire 'to love what my grandmother love' by praying the rosary daily with her - where, as i pray with my grandmother daily i started loving what she loves to do as it is seemingly 'giving me calmness' - as the sound of the repeated words uttered by us reverberate within/as the mind - believing that it is real - not realizing that i manipulated myself to' get that feeling of calmness' within/as my mind - as i act out the 'rosary - prayer' character defining who i am towards my relationship with 'praying the rosary'.