Animals:
The Elephant
===
===
This is the start of my '21 days Breathing' Part 2
I was doing my agreement course assignment when i came face to face with the 'I expect you to drive me' character. In this blog i am looking at how i come face to face with the 'fear of a difficult life - desire for happiness' character and its roots back to when i was a child having maids in the house growing up - which came to present itself as i was doing the assignment.
I am sharing this here as this is the character that i started with in the 'fear of a difficult life - desire for picnics' character i blogged about, before i finished the first part of my '21 days breathing - part 1'. I am starting part 2 with the possible origin point of this character.
I will look within and see.
I am starting my self-forgiveness for the 'i expect you to drive me' character and the mind narrative that unfolds which will be directed using writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application
The Mind Character Narrative
Stopping Through Writing, Self-forgiveness and Self-corrective application
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i expect you to drive me' character - where i desire for others to drive me - desiring the positive energy experience of riding the car without having to look at where i am and how to get to where i am going and deal with the problems presented by other drivers on the road - defining myself within the 'i cannot be bothered - 'please let someone else do this' - 'i am the master - you are my slave' - happiness' character
- where when i was young - we own a vehicle, a jeepney
and we employed a driver named Nick' - who i called 'Mang Nick' - where i believed he was less than myself - defining myself within the 'the driver is less than the owner of the jeepney/car- superior - more money - happiness' character - where i judge people who earn little as inferior - defining me within the 'less money is inferior and more money as superior - happiness' character those that earn more as superior - so looking at a point in my childhood where - we had a male helper, let's call him BEAT - where i also looked at him as inferior and i am superior - defining myself within the 'BEAT is my maid - elite - happiness' character - knowing that he's employed by my mom and dad and that he receives very little money - yet he is being given free food and a roof over his head - defining myself within 'employer - we have a house and food to eat and you don't - elite - superior - happiness' character - where Mang Nick, the driver studied up till high school, i guess BEAT did not finish elementary grades and the laundry woman, let's call her ES - who also did not have a lot of education and is also poor - defining myself within the 'poor - inferior - i am superior - having a house and money - elite -happiness' character - where my fear of being poor comes to present itself - defining myself within the 'fear of being poor- sad' character - where within this also the fear of not having money to pay for education comes up - defining myself within the 'fear of not having money to pay for education - sad' character - and where the fear of not having money comes up - defining myself within the 'fear of not having money - desiring to survive - sad' character - where the fear of not existing also presents itself - defining myself within the 'fear of not existing - no money - no education - poor - not surviving - sad' character believing they are inferior and i am superior as my mom and dad employs them to serve the family - defining myself within the 'inferior - no education -i am superior - having education and money - my parents - elite - happiness' character. I commit myself to stop defining myself within the ' having money -superior ' character.
-where when in the house i would ask them to get me a glass of water even if i can reach for the glass and pour water in it myself - defining myself within the 'lazy - i have money food and education - you are my slave - superior - dependent - happiness' character - where within this is me fearing a difficult life - and wanting an easy life - defining myself within the 'fear of a difficult life - desire for an easy life - happiness' character -
where when i did yoga and meditation - i believed that i am one with the poor so i tried to compensate the inequality by treating them 'right' - defining myself within the 'tantrik yogi - oneness - elite - good to the poor - happiness' character - and another woman who's past her 50's who worked for my family as a maid when i got married - she did not finish high school also - , let's call her ML, - where within all the people who worked for us as a maid - a common denominator is that they did not have enough money to survive and have very little education so that they can only survive by working as a maid for us - in our household - where the justification is that we're treating them well compared to other employers who are not treating them well - defining myself within the 'i am good compared to the bad ones - morality - happiness' character - and this lady who became my maid , ML, we were playing mahjong with family and we asked her to get the 'fruit salad' inside the refrigerator - and she started asking us if we want it heated - so we looked at each other and laughed mocking her - because salads are normally refrigerated or frozen - but never heated - defining myself within the 'salads are to be heated? lol - you're stupid and i am not - laughter - i know and you don't know - superior' character. I forgive myself for defining myself within the 'i know and you do not know - information - superiority - happiness' . I commit myself to stop defining myself within the 'i know and you do not know - information - superiority - happiness' character.
Looking at driving again and my looking at my fear of accidents - let's bring a memory back here when i was young where i heard my younger brother at 7 years old tried to drive our vehicle - the Jeepney from the garage to the street in front of our house - and heard my mom saying the gate was wrecked - when my mom told us the news - where i experienced fear of using a machine that i do not know how to control - having the backchat 'he wrecked the gate he will be in a lot of trouble - defining myself within the 'fear of being in a lot of trouble when i have an accident' character - where my fear stops me from learning how to drive - defining me within the 'fear of accidents - not wanting to learn how to drive' character
- where i basically asked JW to drive me around - defining myself within the 'i expect you to drive me JW - you love me don't you? - prove it - manipulation' character and expecting MX to drive me around - defining myself within the 'I expect you to drive me MX- you love me don't you? - prove it - manipulation' character - expecting RD to drive me around - defining me within the 'i expect you to drive me RD - you love me don't you? - manipulation' character - expecting ZB to drive me around - defining me within the ' i expect you to drive me ZB - you love me don't you? - prove it - manipulation' character - expecting GL to drive me - defining me within the ''i expect you to drive me GL - you love me don't you? - manipulation' character- expecting LP to drive me around - defining me within the 'i don't have time - i have to do a lot of stuff- - overwhelmed - procrastination' character- like a 'queen being driven around by my subjects' - defining me within the 'drive me around - superior- happiness' character - not seeing and realizing that it is my fear of not facing who i have become - defining me within the 'i do not want to face me - i am driven by my fear of driving - fear of accidents - i don't want to face my fears ' character. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i do not want to face me - i am driven by my fear of driving - fear of accidents - i don't want to face my fears ' character. I commit myself to stop defining myself within the 'i do not want to face me - i am driven by my fear of driving - fear of accidents - i don't want to face my fears ' character.
- where after my relationship with RD i enrolled in a driving school, took the written test and when i passed the theory test i felt happy - defining me within 'i passed - superior - happiness' character - then took the practical test and when i failed because i turned late in an intersection i felt inferior - defining myself within the 'i failed in the practical exam - driving - inferior' character - i blamed the instructor for not passing me - within spite - 'defining me within the 'you failed me - driving -blame ' character -believing that he's a Filipino and he hates me to succeed because i am a Filipina - defining me within the 'i hate my own kind - jealous - spite' character - believing that he was so strict - defining me within the 'he's strict - driving blame' character -when he could be lenient with me - because i am a Filipina - defining me within 'i favor you as you have the same nationality with me - i love my own kind - separation from all life' character and because i felt inferior that i failed - defining me within the 'i failed - inferior' character - i stopped trying to do it the second time - because of shame - defining me within the 'i am ashamed that i failed - inferior' character. I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i am ashamed that i failed - inferior' character. I commit myself to assist myself to accept and allow me to instead of definining myself as the 'i am ashamed that i failed - inferior' - to instead express me as life breath by breath moment by moment.
Looking at my expecting someone to drive for me again - seeing that within this - in the world system - i created the superior characters having a driver to drive them around like the royal family - having slaves to dive them around and slaves to cook for them -
- the president being driven around
- the pope being driven around
and looking at me having maids to cook for me to please me - and me cooking to please others - where i created inequality in my world and created the world system being a mirror of 'my within' as my 'without'- having a look at the world system where the royal family has cooks
- the president has cooks
- the pope has cooks
- where what humans cannot see is that nature is being mined for food and profit - and animals and plants are being consumed for food and profit - within the food industry - and that inequality is the name of the world game of characters - the same character that i play out - which is coming from our collective fears of suffering and a difficult life and our collective desire for an easy life and happiness - the same desire that i am giving life to - so i commit myself to stop.
===
Stopping the Mind Narrative
Self-commitment Script
I commit myself to when and as i see myself fearing driving because of fear of accidents - i stop - i breathe - and bring myself back here and assist myself to accept and allow me to express me within driving.
I commit myself to stop my fears and learn how to drive and stop expecting others to drive me.
I commit myself to assist in establishing a world that truly honors life based on equality -where nature will not be mined for profit and animals and plants will not be consumed in the name of money - and as we stop the mind - and stop the characters that we play out - birth a world where we can live without the need to mine the earth nor slaughter animals and plants for food and profit.
