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Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The Back Door Correcting Myself Day 291 Redefinition Realization



Commitments:
Self-Correction Script

I commit myself to when and as i see myself
fear that i have a boring sex life 
fear that i will not be whole if i do not have it all - in my relationships

and so end a relationship

based from what i like and what i don't like
based from desires not being met or satisfied

based from fear of suffering


I stop
I breathe

I realize that this is me as the mind
believing that the man i am with is a separate individual
that i can have an emotional bond with
that ican  have good sex with
that i can have good feelings with to make me feel complete
that i can have to make me feel whole

expecting to have something more

desiring something 
which comes from
fear 
of not being complete or whole
or having it all

instead of realizing that 
i have associated words within my mind 
to other words
that i have given value more than life or less than life

where i see myself, others and this world based on those mind definitions

defining relationships - based from a mind definition 
'2 people being eternally happy because each is giving the other what each other like or desires'
defining a male  - based from a mind definition
'someone who completes a female'
defining attraction - based from a mind definition
ATT-ention t-RACTION
'being mesmerized to seeing someone with qualities i defined as more than life - more than ordinary or normal'
defining the word love - based from a mind definition
L-iving O-ver the positi-VE
'feeling of comfort within being cared for, desired, liked, adored'
defining the word 'suffering' - based from a mind definition
S-elf s-UFF-ering because of ERR-ors ING-rained within the mind as negative energy experiences
'psychological pain in not having what i like' 
defining the word 'control' - based from a mind definition
Con - troll 
'another having control over what i like to do or not do based from what i like and what i do not like conning me to do that which he/she likes me to do'
defining the word 'end' - based from a mind definition
EN-ergy D-eath
'the conclusion or end of my positive energy experiences as who i have become as the personality/individual /mind
defining the word 'start' - based from a mind definition
S-elf as T-ime A-spiring for a- RT
'the beginning which is usually where one aspires or hope to experience the beauty and happiness in the future or life ahead'

and my mind expectations of him 
according to those mind definitions
which is really based on self-interest 
or what someone can give me which i believe i don't have'
which in essence is based from my fears

It is not me interacting with another as myself
walking as equals

I therefore assist myself
to redefine words 
live the redefined meaning of these words
as equal to my expression as who i am

I commit myself 
to when and as i see myself expecting 
that a man becomes the man i imagine in my mind
I stop
I breathe

I realized that imaginations are based on
pictures and images i accumulated in my mind
which i connected to positive and negative energy experiences
within memories
as i my interpretation of reality
which is not real
an illusion

So, i assist myself to 
breathe through the positive and negative energies, 
movements within myself
and stabilize myself as breath here

I assist myself to accept and allow me to see
the male as self - equal and one

I assist myself to accept and allow me to see
that i am part of the whole - as Life
consisting of different parts 
expressing individually
looking different and separate from the mind's perspective
but essentially equal and one 
all consisting of atoms that all consist of

so instead of trying to find the man
that will complete me and make me whole
realize that wholeness is not about separating from the whole 
and uniting to the whole
which is in essence
coming from the starting point 
of me perceiving myself separate from who i am
as essentially equal to all that is here

It is to develop an equal and one relationship with my body
be intimate with myself
accepting and allowing me to see
all that is here 
as all bodies - the body of humans, the body of nature, animals, plants etc
as what it is
as all life - equal and one 

I assist myself to accept and allow me
to see that the body of a woman
consisting of trillions of cells  
consisting of atoms 
as equal to the man's body 
with sex organs that look different 
but essentially equal and one
as all are parts of this one life
breathing here in every moment 
with a heart that beats
having an individual pulse
that constitute the pulse of all - as the pulse of life

I commit myself to when and as i see myself
getting out of a relationship
based from what i don't like about my partner
I stop
I breathe

I realize that it is me as the mind
having these likes and dislikes
realizing that my dislikes are coming from my fears
so instead of focusing on what i like and getting that
which is in facrt me running from my fears

face my fears
look back and see where this started

seeing and realizing
that when i was young my dad left to work abroad
and see that i felt relieved that he was not there to discipline 
all of us  - i felt i had no one to control me to do whatever i please
which i interpreted as freedom


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to 
connect leaving someone to relief and freedom
believing that when i leave someone 
or end a relationship
i will be relieved from 
taking responsibility and will have freedom

where having freedom and relief from responsibility
is me running away from me - me running away from my fears
instead of realizing that taking self-responsibility
is the key to realizing self, developing self trust etc.

and that me having that back door is stopping me to 
be intimate with myself and another as self

I commit myself to when and as i see myself
connecting leaving someone or leaving a relationship
with
being relieved from responsibility 
and freedom to do what i like

I stop
I breathe

I realize that this is me as the mind
being directed by what i like and what i don't like 
as the mind
and projecting this to my partner 
instead of bringing it back to myself 
redefining words
forgiving myself for my fear of control  
forgiving myself for my fear of not having freedom
forgiving myself for my fear of pain and suffering
and correcting myself in my living

where
instead of waiting for my dad to correct me
take self-responsibility 
to forgive myself

rewrite the book within myself and correct myself
taking myself by the hand 
and unconditionally assisting myself 
forgiving myself
correcting myself

and in the process birth a new self
that can be trusted 
to always stand for what is best for all concerned
in every decision i make 

asking 
'how will looking at my fears (fear of control and fear of suffering),
and forgiving myself and correcting myself
assist me in my process of self-perfection?

where,
I decide to walk with the male
from a true starting point
assisting each other to look at our fears
forgiving ourselves 
correcting ourselves
and assisting each other 
in birthing self here

redefining words 

redefines attraction as 
seeing another as myself 
someone who i can walk with
in equality and oneness
to birth me here as who i really am
redefines love
as birthing self as all life
walking baby steps
and embracing the pain that comes with 
that 
redefines a male as a human
who expresses oneself as a male having a male organ
whose body consist of atoms consisting of substance all consist of
redefines relationships as relating to the ship of life
where one walks with another as self  both agreeing to birth
a new self that can  be trusted to always stand for what is best for all
redefines suffering as self standing up to offer all a solution as that 'I' 
that always stand for what is best for all
realizing that
what is best for all  
is about birthing a new self
and within that birthing
bear the physical pain in taking baby steps to birthing self here 
until all is free
redefines control as power to push through the pain of birthing a new self that can be trusted to stand for what is best for all and to stay focused until one is free and all is free
forevermore
redefines end as a point where one stops that which is not what is best for all 
redefines start as self starting to see and realize who one really is, what life really is  and decide to do that which what is best for all - a beginning of ones journey to life

I assist myself 
to take self-responsibility
to through writing, self-forgiveness
and self correction in my living
moment by moment
breath by breath
birth me here as who i really am
as wholeness



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