Solution To Not Having A Good Sex Life Day :301 Backchat Moles At The Back

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This is a Continuation of This Blog
http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/05/solution-to-unhappy-sex-life-day-294_21.html

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In this blog i will be working with the Backchat Dimension
(highlighted with the brown color)

In the next blogs, i will be working on the rest of the dimensions  of my mind

Brief Outline:

Fear: the base platform of the mind
Fear of not having a good sex life

The Conscious Mind:
Design of the Conscious Mind
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mMguKZT8VY

Thought: picture of having sex with DMC
Imagination: 'not enjoying having sex with someone i am not attracted to physically, and assuring myself that this suffering will end.'

The Subconscious Mind: 
Design of the Subconscious Mind
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AoGjglQ94A

Backchat
2.'I do not like the moles in his back'

Reaction:
faking it, feeling of loss

The Unconscious Mind:
Design of the Unconscious Mind
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc4h8SQxsLI

Body Movement: 
withdrawing touch, smiles halfway
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Introducing:

The QuantumMind
The Quantum Physical

The Real Physical
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What is self-forgiveness?
http://juneroca.com/home/my-process/self-forgiveness/

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Self-forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to
participate in the design of 'fear of survival - as form - as energy'

have internal conversations within my mind
about DMC's moles in the back
as in 'I do not like the moles in his back'

separating from his physical form
giving moles a value less than life

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to 
give moles a value less than life

giving form without moles a value more than life
connecting this experience to a negative energy experience of
when i was young seeing my grandmother
having moles and freckles on her face

connecting her moles to ugliness
connecting moles to dirt
connecting moles and discoloration on the skin
to being less than - being inferior

connecting skin without moles or clear skin 
to beauty
giving it a value more than life

believing i am inferior because i have freckles on my face
believing it is just like dirt on the skin
believing that my mom's skin being white
is superior
and my skin on my face is inferior 
connecting it to ugliness
or being imperfect

having conversation in my mind of how i feel
when i saw my grandmother's mole 
and when i saw the freckles on my face  
experiencing a negative energy experience

taking pictures from the distant past
comparing that to my recent past energy experience
seeing the moles in DMC's back
and having a negative energy experience
out of looking at it

fearing being inferior
fearing being criticized
fearing being laughed at
fearing being ridiculed

reliving athe experience i had with my mom
of when i was young
her telling me i am careless -  in the kitchen
when i dropped something on the floor
in front of everyone on the table

getting angry
but suppressing my anger
suppressing the irritation within me that i experiences
blaming her for me feeling inferior

projecting my fear of being inferior
to DMC

instead of realizing that i have to face my fear
take responsibility
forgive myself
commit to correct myself
and write a script
so i can live
the corrections

realizing that my desire to leave the relationship
is fulled by my fear of being inferior

within this, not realizing that
the body is being resourced for the mind to exist
and that, participating in internal conversations within my mind
is like a socket on the wall connected to a computer
the electricity running through the computer
and giving it power

compromising the body
taking from it
abusing it
through mind participation

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Commitment to Correction
Script

I commit myself to
when and as i see myself 
having internal conversation within my mind

about not liking moles or freckles in ones body
fearing being inferior
and projecting that to someone else
desiring to be superior by moving away 
from the perceived source of inferiority

I stop 
I breathe through the desire

I realize that this is me as the mind
taking pictures from the distant past
comparing that to my recent past  experience
of seeing DMC's mole on his back
connecting that to a negative energy experience 

justifying my excuse that i have to leave the relationship
because that is the way i can be whole
within balance in polarity
disliking something/someone that gives me a negative energy experience
then going somewhere out there to find the  man
that will give me a positive energy experience

not seeing and realizing that
real wholeness
does not need separation from the source

realizing that
i am part of the whole  - as all life

realizing that moles are a part of  me  - life
realizing that my body and DMC's body
comes from the same substance

the dust of the earth 

I commit myself to stabilize me as breath
develop an equal and one relationship with the body
and be here in every moment
as who i am, what i am and how i am
realizing the body is here to express itself
supporting  the being to express self here

Pork Roast: Gravy or No Gravy: Day 228: Fears: Survival

Journey To Life  Blogs  

 The Creation of Heaven On Earth

A World That Truly Honors Life

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About Writing/Blogging

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Store

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SELF-FORGIVENESS

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My Food and Nutrition Blog Site:

http://foodandnutritionjunejourneytolife.blogspot.com/

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The Mathematics of Life  
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X-mas Pork Roast: Texture

http://foodandnutritionjunejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/12/x-mas-mathematics-pig-pot-roast-gravy.html
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Note: Link To My Partner's Blog Will Follow

Christmas and family gathering around the dinner table brought forth a lot of hidden fears
from a simple decision to either make a gravy out of the pan drippings or just leave the pan drippings as it is.

My partner's decision: Leave the pan drippings as it is - do not make a gravy
My decision: Make a gravy out of the pan drippings of the baked pork roast

I looked at who i am within this decision and found out the fears behind this decision.
My partner did another blog as he also looked .

I will use self-forgiveness in this blog, self-commitment in blogs to come and live the correction in my breath by breath movement to birth me here as life

Me as The mind 
Fears that was hidden was uncovered:

Fear of the texture of the gravy not being 'right' as per the culinary standards/rules
↓
Fear of  being a bad chef
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Fear of not being popular
↓
Fear of not being liked by my partner's family when i bring a pork roast with a thin, runny gravy
↓
Fear of being alone
↓
Fear of being bored by being just by myself
↓
Fear of going crazy
↓
Fear of being in a mental institution
↓
Fear of not being in control
↓
Fear of being bad
↓
Fear of hurting/killing others
↓
Fear of being in prison
↓

Fear of not having the freedom to live life and not do what I like
↓
Fear of being sad
↓
Fear of wasting my time on Earth
                                                                                                                 Mind Loop
↓
Fear of REGRETTING the way i lived my life
↓
Fear that I did not use the time that I had to live life fully
↓
Fear of blaming myself that I did not live life fully
↓
Fear of feeling guilty
↓
Fear of doing something to make up for it
↓
Fear of starting from the beginning again/reincarnating
↓
Fear of being in a loop and not getting the whole point of what life is about
↓
Fear of not knowing who, what, where, when, how I am
↓
Fear of not doing what is needed of me to be who I am as life
                                                                                                                     Mind Loop
↓
Fear of REGRETTING living my life the way i did
↓

Fear of not being someone who is happy all the time
↓

Fear of going through a longer process
↓
Fear of not enjoying the fruits of life fully while lived

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Fear of eternal pain/suffering

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My Self-forgiveness

Fear of the texture of the gravy not being 'right' as per the culinary standards/rules
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself  to participate in the design of/as 'fear of surviving - as information and knowledge' fear not being 'right' as per the culinary standards/rules in serving a baked pork roast with thick smooth gravy - which is what i have seen in television cooking shows where beef pot roast and pork roasts are
being served with gravy - through this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe
in what i see and hear as information and knowledge separate from me - not realizing that the pig
is giving up its life for the body/physical of humans to survive

Fear of being labeled as being a bad chef
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself  to participate in the design of/as 'fear of surviving - as knowledge and information ' fear being labeled as 'not a good chef' defined as serving a pork roast with pan drippings rather than serve it with gravy like those with culinary experience serve it - believing that serving the baked pork roast with gravy is more professional not realizing that this is coming from what i heard and seen that i accepted as my truth - and words i  use which was given a mind definition - such as the word 'professional'

Fear of not being popular
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the design of/as 'fear of surviving - as an individual' fear not being popular and special - wanting to be superior to everyone - as i fear being inferior to everyone - perceiving myself separate from all not realizing that who i am is the physical/body/substance equal to all that is here

Fear of not being liked by my partner's family when i bring a pork roast with a thin, runny gravy 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the design of/as 'fear of surviving - as a family ' fear that i will not bet liked by my partner's family -believing that i can satisfy their mind's likes and dislikes - not realizing that this is me as the mind defined by others liking or not liking me and the food i prepare

Fear of being alone
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself  to participate in the design of/as 'fear of surviving - as an individual - as help' fear being alone without a family to help and support me when i cannot assist and support myself fearing not being helped - fearing not being able to survive alone - fear of being a bum - fear of being poor - not  having anything to eat and then die without anyone knowing who i am as a character/personality that lived on earth - fearing the future - not realizing that within this is current unequal economic system - as people do not have the basic necessities to survive, so fear of not surviving is a product of an unequal economic system

Fear of being bored by being just by myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the design of/as 'fear of surviving - as an individual - as sound' fear being bored by myself, needing to be part of a family/ group of individuals that will ensure my survival as a personality/character hearing different sounds from different people's voices which tells me i am alive - as one of those sounds can give me a positive energy experience - not realizing that who i am is not defined by sound based on frequency

Fear of going crazy 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the design of/as 'fear of surviving - as sound, as movement' fear going crazy believing that if i will be left alone without having someone talking to me, nor anyone making any movements around me i will go crazy being silent  - not realizing i am not defined by other's talking - as sound as frequency and other's physical movements driven by their mind

Fear of being in a mental institution
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the design of/as 'fear of surviving -as information and knowledge' fear being in a mental institution without any idea of 'who i am' within/as my mind defined by memories - as the personality/character - not realizing that i am here as breath in every moment - able to express oneself and able to stop the mind as memories to exist in/as self-remembrance

Fear of not being in control
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the design of/as 'fear of not surviving - as control - as information and knowledge ' fear not being in control,  without information and knowledge - fearing not knowing who my father is and who my mother is, fearing not knowing 'who i am' as a personality/character defined by memories of the past - as experiences - not able to control what i think about anything and anyone and not able to control my actions , fearing i will do something to hurt someone - not realizing that i am here as breath moving me moment by moment as my in-breath and my out-breath and the 'holding the moment' in between

Fear of being bad
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the design of/as 'fear of not surviving -as morality - as relationships'
fear being bad desiring to be good so that i will be liked by my family and friends believing that when i do something wrong my family and friends will reject me as i defined myself within morality - not realizing that who i am  is here as breath able to stand for what is best for all life

Continued in the next blog

My Story: My First Sexual Experience Day 174: Prove That You Love Me: WAIT Part 5

Journey To Life  Blogs  

 The Creation of Heaven On Earth

A World That Truly Honors Life

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Learning From The Animals

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About Writing/Blogging

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Store

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SELF-FORGIVENESS

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References:

Part 1

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/wait-prove-that-you-love-me-day-169-sf.html

Part 2

 http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-sory-courtship-games-high-school.html

This is a continuation of this Blog

Part 3

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/my-story-his-proposal-and-my-dating.html

 In this blog i will continue the self-forgiveness for different characters i played out in the mind's narrative in the previous blog. I am starting with the event when DSS  and me - had our first sexual experience which is key in me looking at how i created me as a mind character within sex  -and looking at who am i as sex, what am i as sex and why am i as sex - as the mind character to stop -  and birth myself here as sex as the physical - as sensation, as presence, as movement - as the breath here - as life. 

Sexual experience when in their house:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he's putting his finger inside my 'jade pearl' - this feels good specially when he touch my breast when he's doing it - i want to experience this everyday - desire for sex - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the ' he devirginized me? was that it? -belief,  judgment - trying to understand - unknowing' character
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Let's have a look  at my experience as a child:

- where when i was about 6 or 7 years old - i was playing with a friend who's the same age as me -who is another girl that comes to our house to play with me, let's call her DG- where when we were playing on the bed and getting under the covers - she put her finger inside my vagina and i wondered what that was - it felt cold -  i just wondered what that is and why she did that and i remembered i looked up and saw like clouds above me and so i rubbed my eyes - defining myself within the 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i wonder  why  she put her finger inside my vagina -it's a cold sensation - there's something naughty in her look - yet she looks like she's playing as an innocent kid like me - as the judgment, trying to understand, unknowing ' character

Let's bring another memory back here 
- when i was about 5- 7 yrs old. I was with a male family friend - let's call him DC. He's about 28 -35 years old. It was between 5PM to about 7PM . I was sitting with him on a pavement next to my grandmother's house. He was sitting on my right side. Both of us were wearing white cotton shirts. He was holding a packet of food on his hand and feeding me with it, when i felt his finger go inside my vagina. It was a cold sensation that i felt inside me and i was wondering why he did that and what that cold sensation was - defining me within the

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i wonder what that is and why he put his finger inside my vagina - i am wondering what he did - what is that cold sensation? -i like the food i am eating that he is giving me - but i am thinking about that cold sensation - as the diversion of attention - suppression -bribed by food - molestation - trying to understand, unknowing' character


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Let's go back to the memory of my 'sexual experience' with my ex- husband:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'the door is closed - we're alone together - i want to have sex but he's watching this basketball on tv - i wonder if he wants to have sex? When is he going to stop watching tv? - as the desire for sex, hoping, hiding' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'the door is closed - and he is starting to touch me - i better be quiet - not to moan too much when i feel orgasmic - as the suppression and desire for sex - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the ' he's putting his finger inside my 'jade pear' and his  'jade stalk' is hard - this feels really good - and i am enjoying this - i am ready for his 'jade stalk' inside my 'jade pearl' - it's wet - he's now putting it in - and it feels good - i love this feeling - as the desire for sex - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'this rubbing motion up and down repeated many times make me feel good -i love this feeling - i need to feel this more often - i want to be with him everyday - i wonder if i could move in with him - desire to be together in relationship - desire for sex - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i did not menstruate this month - i can be pregnant - i better go and have a test - i am truly pregnant this test will not lie - we have to get married - but he is just starting to work in the computer field as he just finished his course - we do not have money yet to get married - but this bulge may show - my dad will be upset if he knows - but i am waiting for his decision - desire for marriage , hiding, pregnancy as manipulation' character

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Looking at when  his parents told us -that they wanted to  meet my parents in a restaurant - to talk about us getting married and finalize marriage arrangements. His dad said that he will pay for the wedding:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i was saved from shame by his father's decision for us to get married - he even offered to pay for our marriage -thank god he has money - he must like me - and my family and the granddaughter which i carry in my belly - having a child out of wedlock will make my dad angry -as the belief, judgment, shame, money is power -inferior - marriage - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'that is a good decision - they finally decided - besides, i do not like to stay at home with all those disagreements in my family- in his family his dad is an engineer - he earns a lot of money and his mom does not work and stays home cooking and taking care of the house - they have a big house with marble floors - so i am secured - aversion to disagreements - discontent - comparison - judgment -pregnancy as manipulation - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i wonder if he is ready to be a dad? - he's got a job but it doesn't pay much - i am sure that because he is intelligent he will get a good job and will earn good money in the future - they said we can live with them for a while - that's good, we will not have to pay rent in the beginning -he's spoiled by her mom though and acts like a king of their family - everyone is scared of him - as he shouts loud when he's angry -' even the coackroach flee' when he's angry - he does not shout at me though - he loves me - i tamed his anger with love - doubt, judgment, hope, dependence, help,  transcending fear of anger by marrying a person who gets angry - manipulation' character

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Stopping The Mind Narrative

Self-Commitment

I commit myself to when and as i see myself desiring to have sex with someone - i stop - i breathe. I realise that this is me as the mind character desiring a positive energy experience within and as my mind - to assist myself to instead of desiring to have sex with someone i am attracted to and then manipulating the situation to get a positive energy experience within my mind - see the man's form as equal to my form - as both forms are made from the same substance all are made of - equal to all that exist - where instead of using the body as a power source for the mind  - which is not best for the body because the mind will be consuming the nutrients which i give my body to assist itself to survive - nor is it best for me as i am in this body and if it gets consumed and it degenerates i myself will not be able to express myself here. So, to assist myself to understand, see and realise - desiring sex is me desiring an experience - within self-interest - so to assist me to support me as the body - to support me as the breath - and support my agreement with my partner within physical interaction and express me as movement, sensation and presence  -as who i am here -  and birth me here within/as the physical in that primal scream of life  - as who i am as the flesh- as the blood as the physical body-  being intimate with myself and intimate with another as me - and interacting with the physical body of my partner as myself - to assist the physical - as all are made from the same substance all are made of - equal to all that exist.

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application assist myself to stop the memories, pictures desires etc. of all these characters in this narrative and live life - that is best for all - where instead of manipulating another to satisfy my desire, i assist myself to see all man as  an equal and instead of fearing people who are angry, i look at utilizing that anger expression within and as myself to push me to stop when and as i see myself participating within/as my mind as fear of anger - and to utilize  who i am as equal to anger as my expression - birth me here as life and when me as  the mind is making it difficult to push through - to change and stop - to assist myself to utilise that anger expression to 'rrrrrooaaarr' myself into birthing me as life - breath by breath moment by moment.

I commit myself to instead of being directed by the characters i have given life to - when i was newly born baby up to about age 7 - living the same pattern over and over in my adult life  -driven by the same fears -  i assist myself to stop- and utilizing the roooaaaar of anger expression within and as myself to live a life that stand for what is best for all - no matter what it takes.

I commit myself to instead of being motivated by survival and financial stability in choosing a mate or a partner - to look at being self-intimate with oneself and finding ones stability as breath here - and when an agreement  - where 2 people walking as equals within self-intimacy - presents itself to support the agreement as equal to who one is - as an expression of oneself - within self-honesty - and support ones partner as oneself in living in the world but not of the world - to survive and earn money in any way possible - and find out where one can also align oneself in living ones allocation in this world - to within ones self standing make a change in that particular field - in however  life presents itself - to make oneself be available and  do what needs to be done - and give way for others as self - to realise what one is accepting and allowing - and within that stopping ones mind - to through one's blogs and vlogs being a testament of ones process - to through these blogs and vlogs  support others in their self-perfection process - where as the water of life flows on earth - life flows and is birthed on earth to be here  forevermore

I commit myself to instead of believing and manifesting a belief -to change me from living a lie as in 'be-lie-f' to live and 'be - life' - stopping the mind and birthing oneself - and  standing for what is best for all life.

I commit myself to stop me as the mind to within that stopping stop the living of the same patterns i lived - by my kids - and through this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to pass on my genes and dna codes to my kids - and within that - passing on the sins of the father - 10 generations back - to be given life to - by me and then by my kids - to rather than continue this inheritance of sins - as repating patterns - STOP reenacting the same patterns - and change - to birth oneself and  stand for what is best for all life.

I commit myself to stop  supporting a world system based on inequality,and self-interest and commit myself to stop  mind participation within desires, beliefs etc.  - to instead assist in establishing an equal money system and change the value we give money based from inequality and self-interest - as what is being shown by the media, the sex industry, the dating industry, the marriage industry, the food industry  etc. - to a value equal to/as LIFE.

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