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Monday, October 1, 2012

My Story: My First Sexual Experience Day 174: Prove That You Love Me: WAIT Part 5





 
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References:
Part 1
http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/wait-prove-that-you-love-me-day-169-sf.html
Part 2

This is a continuation of this Blog
Part 3

 In this blog i will continue the self-forgiveness for different characters i played out in the mind's narrative in the previous blog. I am starting with the event when DSS  and me - had our first sexual experience which is key in me looking at how i created me as a mind character within sex  -and looking at who am i as sex, what am i as sex and why am i as sex - as the mind character to stop -  and birth myself here as sex as the physical - as sensation, as presence, as movement - as the breath here - as life. 

Sexual experience when in their house:


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'he's putting his finger inside my 'jade pearl' - this feels good specially when he touch my breast when he's doing it - i want to experience this everyday - desire for sex - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the he devirginized me? was that it? -belief,  judgment - trying to understand - unknowing' character
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Let's have a look  at my experience as a child:

- where when i was about 6 or 7 years old - i was playing with a friend who's the same age as me -who is another girl that comes to our house to play with me, let's call her DG- where when we were playing on the bed and getting under the covers - she put her finger inside my vagina and i wondered what that was - it felt cold -  i just wondered what that is and why she did that and i remembered i looked up and saw like clouds above me and so i rubbed my eyes - defining myself within the 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i wonder  why  she put her finger inside my vagina -it's a cold sensation - there's something naughty in her look - yet she looks like she's playing as an innocent kid like me - as the judgment, trying to understand, unknowing ' character

Let's bring another memory back here 

- when i was about 5- 7 yrs old. I was with a male family friend - let's call him DC. He's about 28 -35 years old. It was between 5PM to about 7PM . I was sitting with him on a pavement next to my grandmother's house. He was sitting on my right side. Both of us were wearing white cotton shirts. He was holding a packet of food on his hand and feeding me with it, when i felt his finger go inside my vagina. It was a cold sensation that i felt inside me and i was wondering why he did that and what that cold sensation was - defining me within the

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i wonder what that is and why he put his finger inside my vagina - i am wondering what he did - what is that cold sensation? -i like the food i am eating that he is giving me - but i am thinking about that cold sensation - as the diversion of attention - suppression -bribed by food - molestation - trying to understand, unknowing' character


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Let's go back to the memory of my 'sexual experience' with my ex- husband:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'the door is closed - we're alone together - i want to have sex but he's watching this basketball on tv - i wonder if he wants to have sex? When is he going to stop watching tv? - as the desire for sex, hoping, hiding' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'the door is closed - and he is starting to touch me - i better be quiet - not to moan too much when i feel orgasmic - as the suppression and desire for sex - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the ' he's putting his finger inside my 'jade pear' and his  'jade stalk' is hard - this feels really good - and i am enjoying this - i am ready for his 'jade stalk' inside my 'jade pearl' - it's wet - he's now putting it in - and it feels good - i love this feeling - as the desire for sex - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'this rubbing motion up and down repeated many times make me feel good -i love this feeling - i need to feel this more often - i want to be with him everyday - i wonder if i could move in with him - desire to be together in relationship - desire for sex - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i did not menstruate this month - i can be pregnant - i better go and have a test - i am truly pregnant this test will not lie - we have to get married - but he is just starting to work in the computer field as he just finished his course - we do not have money yet to get married - but this bulge may show - my dad will be upset if he knows - but i am waiting for his decision - desire for marriage , hiding, pregnancy as manipulation' character

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Looking at when  his parents told us -that they wanted to  meet my parents in a restaurant - to talk about us getting married and finalize marriage arrangements. His dad said that he will pay for the wedding:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i was saved from shame by his father's decision for us to get married - he even offered to pay for our marriage -thank god he has money - he must like me - and my family and the granddaughter which i carry in my belly - having a child out of wedlock will make my dad angry -as the belief, judgment, shame, money is power -inferior - marriage - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'that is a good decision - they finally decided - besides, i do not like to stay at home with all those disagreements in my family- in his family his dad is an engineer - he earns a lot of money and his mom does not work and stays home cooking and taking care of the house - they have a big house with marble floors - so i am secured - aversion to disagreements - discontent - comparison - judgment -pregnancy as manipulation - happiness' character

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i wonder if he is ready to be a dad? - he's got a job but it doesn't pay much - i am sure that because he is intelligent he will get a good job and will earn good money in the future - they said we can live with them for a while - that's good, we will not have to pay rent in the beginning -he's spoiled by her mom though and acts like a king of their family - everyone is scared of him - as he shouts loud when he's angry -' even the coackroach flee' when he's angry - he does not shout at me though - he loves me - i tamed his anger with love - doubt, judgment, hope, dependence, help,  transcending fear of anger by marrying a person who gets angry - manipulation' character
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Stopping The Mind Narrative
Self-Commitment

I commit myself to when and as i see myself desiring to have sex with someone - i stop - i breathe. I realise that this is me as the mind character desiring a positive energy experience within and as my mind - to assist myself to instead of desiring to have sex with someone i am attracted to and then manipulating the situation to get a positive energy experience within my mind - see the man's form as equal to my form - as both forms are made from the same substance all are made of - equal to all that exist - where instead of using the body as a power source for the mind  - which is not best for the body because the mind will be consuming the nutrients which i give my body to assist itself to survive - nor is it best for me as i am in this body and if it gets consumed and it degenerates i myself will not be able to express myself here. So, to assist myself to understand, see and realise - desiring sex is me desiring an experience - within self-interest - so to assist me to support me as the body - to support me as the breath - and support my agreement with my partner within physical interaction and express me as movement, sensation and presence  -as who i am here -  and birth me here within/as the physical in that primal scream of life  - as who i am as the flesh- as the blood as the physical body-  being intimate with myself and intimate with another as me - and interacting with the physical body of my partner as myself - to assist the physical - as all are made from the same substance all are made of
- equal to all that exist.


I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application assist myself to stop the memories, pictures desires etc. of all these characters in this narrative and live life - that is best for all - where instead of manipulating another to satisfy my desire, i assist myself to see all man as  an equal and instead of fearing people who are angry, i look at utilizing that anger expression within and as myself to push me to stop when and as i see myself participating within/as my mind as fear of anger - and to utilize  who i am as equal to anger as my expression - birth me here as life and when me as  the mind is making it difficult to push through - to change and stop - to assist myself to utilise that anger expression to 'rrrrrooaaarr' myself into birthing me as life - breath by breath moment by moment.


I commit myself to instead of being directed by the characters i have given life to - when i was newly born baby up to about age 7 - living the same pattern over and over in my adult life  -driven by the same fears -  i assist myself to stop- and utilizing the roooaaaar of anger expression within and as myself to live a life that stand for what is best for all - no matter what it takes.


I commit myself to instead of being motivated by survival and financial stability in choosing a mate or a partner - to look at being self-intimate with oneself and finding ones stability as breath here - and when an agreement  - where 2 people walking as equals within self-intimacy - presents itself to support the agreement as equal to who one is - as an expression of oneself - within self-honesty - and support ones partner as oneself in living in the world but not of the world - to survive and earn money in any way possible - and find out where one can also align oneself in living ones allocation in this world - to within ones self standing make a change in that particular field - in however  life presents itself - to make oneself be available and  do what needs to be done - and give way for others as self - to realise what one is accepting and allowing - and within that stopping ones mind - to through one's blogs and vlogs being a testament of ones process - to through these blogs and vlogs  support others in their self-perfection process - where as the water of life flows on earth - life flows and is birthed on earth to be here  forevermore


I commit myself to instead of believing and manifesting a belief -to change me from living a lie as in 'be-lie-f' to live and 'be - life' - stopping the mind and birthing oneself - and  standing for what is best for all life.


I commit myself to stop me as the mind to within that stopping stop the living of the same patterns i lived - by my kids - and through this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to pass on my genes and dna codes to my kids - and within that - passing on the sins of the father -
10 generations back - to be given life to - by me and then by my kids - to rather than continue this inheritance of sins - as repating patterns - STOP reenacting the same patterns - and change - to birth oneself and  stand for what is best for all life.


I commit myself to stop  supporting a world system based on inequality,and self-interest and commit myself to stop  mind participation within desires, beliefs etc.  - to instead assist in establishing an equal money system and change the value we give money based from inequality and self-interest - as what is being shown by the media, the sex industry, the dating industry, the marriage industry, the food industry  etc. - to a value equal to/as LIFE.



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