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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Strict Piano Teacher: Postponement : Fear Dimension Day 186


Postponement Character
My 'Strict' Piano Teacher 

Fear Dimension

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to as a child see, realise and understand the concept of time, of space and time, and practical, physical reality responsibility and consequence as i had primarily in my childhood years lived in the' happy - please me - i am your child' world, where i immediately satisfy my wants, needs and desires and preferences and then unexpectedly facing responsibility was something that i was interpreting as taking my want and desire away - believing that i will never get it or have it again completely locked into the idea/belief about time, not seeing, realising and understanding that it's not that i will not get it at all, it's just that responsibility comes first 

let's look at when my mom enrolled me in a piano lesson - where my teacher is very strict and has a small stick on her hand about to slap me on the hand when i make a mistake in my touching the piano keys - where i connected responsibility to doing something that will cause me pain and suffering - and something boring -fearing responsibility - and then live that as an adult within postponing to do my responsibilities and then blame the piano teacher and judge music as bad - when i could take responsibility rather than blame 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with reactions of and the mind constructs of:

*Fear of learning something based on fear of suffering based from an experience of when i was a child learning piano - where i connected the stick of the teacher to suffering

-  imagining she will hit me with that stick 

-  guilty that i did not practice that music piece that was assigned to me 

- procrastinating in practicing piano 

- justifying that by thinking that i have to go to my cousins house to practice piano - as at that time we did not have a piano
within 'shyness' to stop taking self-responsibility - where i procrastinated to go to my cousins house to practice piano -  

- Believing that i am inferior to my cousins because we don't have a piano and they have one - within jealousy - designing competition - where i stopped myself from taking responsibility - which i acted out in my life - and within all this because of my 'too lateness' in my practicing piano - i created another character of 'i don't care'

*Regret that i have not taken self-responsibility to take time and take responsibility in practicing the piece of music that was assigned for me to practice - within fear that i will commit mistakes - and justify procrastinating through blaming my teacher and music - and instead of practicing playing the piano, i did what i desire to do - and get the positive energy experience out of talking and laughing with my relatives and friends and eating food with them - which is what i used the most to entertain me as the mind.

- having the consequential outflow of me not being able to play music as an adult

- Desires to learn music as an adult - but blames the teacher for not giving me the basics to music 

- when i can take self-responsibility to teach myself the basics of music by looking at music as equal to my expression - and redefining the word music

Without seeing , realising and understanding that i am in fact in this, angry and frustrated with myself for having postponed practicing the piece assigned to me, when i knew what i was doing as the 'postponement' character - but did not stop myself and did not take responsibility.

To recreate me as Someone that can be Trusted to Stand For What Is Best for All 

 I commit myself to assist and support me to see, realise and understand how i can no more accept and allow me to in moments of responsibility want to satisfy my wants, needs and desires first before getting to the task or responsibility - because if i make my wants as priority - this means i cannot be trusted in my own life in relation to determining what is best for me in this world/reality in my hands and get things done in prioritizing me/my time in such a way that i get to do the responsibilities first that will assist me in my self-perfection process and then afford some time to do what i prefer to do - 

I commit myself to when and as i see myself fearing suffering, i stop - i breathe and  walk back and see what fear created this fear of suffering, - and seeing that it is my fear of not existing within fear of  death - of me - not realizing the 'me' that i believe is me is not real aware - and that it's awareness of me in separation of me as all life - and so assist myself to be AWARE of me as the physical/body/substance - the plant's body, the animal's body, the body of the earth etc. - as all life

I commit myself to instead of creating another personality when i am faced with the consequence of 'too lateness' as the 'i do not care' character - i stop - i breathe - and allocate the tasks within the day where i can do what's needed to be done - using commonsense that if i do not know what to do or how to do a task or not having the needed equipments to do the task - write down what is commonsensical to do at that moment to finish the task and when and how - specific to where i can finish and do it.

I commit myself to assist myself to redefine and use the words responsibility, assignment and music - as equal to my expression.

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