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Sunday, October 28, 2012

'I Don't Care': ''Desiring Enlightenment:' :Day 194 Thought and Backchat Dimension





 

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This is a Continuation of this Blog:


'I Don't Care' Character



I am looking at the 'Fear that when i truly care i will have to take responsibility to/as all parts of me as life' , in this blog,  where because of this fear, i choose to 'not care' - using self-forgiveness and commitment to correction to recreate me as someone who can be trusted to always stand for what is best for all - as someone who in fact cares to birth me here  - as all Life.

                                                  THOUGHT DIMENSION:


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to entertain and become preoccupied with the thought, 'i fear taking self-responsibility to/as all parts of me as life' that one thought can make me react as 'fear to take self-responsibility for/as all life'  that in that moment  i go within my mind - an alternate reality-  that is not what is here, as the physical - as what is real- and within that become 'unaware' of me as breath at that moment here in/as the land of real living.

I forgive myself that i haven't  accepted and allowed myself to in that thought of  'fear of taking self-responsibility for all parts of me as life ' i remove myself from the physical reality of here, which is 99% and the 1% as thought as 'fear of taking self-responsibility for all parts of me as life'   i participate in/as the mind - accepting and allowing me to separate me from what is here, as what is real - as this physical/body.


I commit myself to when and as i see a thought manifest in my mind as 'fear of taking self-responsibility to/as all' to in that moment stop and Breathe, and wake myself up and realise i am HERE in this breath,  in this body that is expressing, moving and functioning and with me accepting and allowing me to follow a thought that is 1% of what is here - i am missing another breath - where in that moment  i can stop my mind participation and direct myself in the physical and stop thinking that thought.

Imagination Dimension
Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how difficult it is to take self-responsibility - creating a relationship of fear - to taking full responsibility for/as all life - where the only things that i take responsibility for are  the ones that will make me flourish and prosper as an individual separate from all - within self-interest and have justified not taking self-responsibility for/as all life - having a picture of an enlightened and spiritually elevated me having lots of followers - not seeing realising and understanding that i am in fact just saving my ass - within that imagination - disregarding the rest of all parts of me as life - just the evil me hiding within the recesses of my mind - hiding behind the veil of self-realization and enlightenment - yet self-dishonest - as who i have become - as the nature of me within my mind - thinking no one will know - no one will find out - the truth of me - as the evil intention that i hide - wanting to just save my ass - desiring to self-realise by myself - not willing to take on each one as me and walk with/as them and go through the difficulty and pain and suffering that is the consequential outflow of me surviving only for i - me and myself 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to take on each one as me and walk with/as them - not wanting to go through the difficulty, pain, sadness  and suffering -  wanting the shortcut - choosing the easy way out - forming a relationship with the  picture within my mind - of me with followers - copying the gurus that crossed my path in this lifetime - not seeing and realising the self interest within that - by me just having my own enlightenment and leaving the rest of existence, to find their own way out - as the evil intention  as me within my mind -through this,  i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by my fear of taking self-responsibility for all of me as life - choosing the path of self-interest within my desire for enlightenment - not seeing and realizing the  evil nature of me wanting to be enlightened ahead of everyone - where i  pictured me as being more elevated spiritually and the rest not.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the picture of my guru and imagined him sitting on the top of my head with hands blessing me - who i meditated on for so long - about 29 years ,  in a mudra - a hand gesture ( a form of blessing) meditating on that on my sahasrara chakra - imagining him within my mind 


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify not taking self-responsibility for/as all -by  sitting in meditation - just to have a calm mind - for myself  to feel good - not caring how the rest of humanity is doing within a system such as this one we've got - just interested in my own happiness and bliss - while i pity the majority of humans that i believed will not get enlightened - or will not self-realize - within blame - believing  in my mind - i will be enlightened and i will self-realize - and so i imagined me blissful as the enlightened one - within self-interest- within the recesses of my mind where the evil me resides - hidden, so no one will know - no one will find out the truth about my wanting to be enlightened - driven by fear of taking self-responsibility for all as me -  as life.

Commitment to Correction

I commit myself to when and as i see myself imagining how difficult it is to take responsibility for all parts of me as life -  and desiring to not take responsibility because of that- i stop - i breathe and assist myself to  take self-responsibility anyway, as i am here as part of this one life 


I commit myself to when and as i see myself  justifying Not taking self-responsibility for/as all by siting in meditation and imagining someone to give me enlightenment - i stop - i breathe and realise that this is the alternate version of me desiring to be enlightened out of fear of taking responsibility for/as all life and fearing to establish a world that truly honors life where all will get the basic necessities to survive in dignity where plants and animals will not be slaughtered for food and profit - within self-interest. I stop. Instead of sitting in meditation - to look at ones  thoughts, imaginations, backchats, emotions, feelings etc.  and  through writing, self-forgiveness and commitment to correction - assist oneself to recreate oneself to someone who can be trusted to stand for what is best for all.


Backchat Dimension:
Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to extend the thoughts and imagination to backchat and internal conversation, thinking,  

'I will do what the guru says and that's all that i need to do. I do not have to assist all life, that is too much, I can only do so much. I am just human, and fortunately i have a guru who promised to save me. he said to do meditation, yoga postures and eat sentient food without garlic, onion, egg or meat and then give food to the poor, then i will be liberated from the ego' 

- using words separate from me  - within my mind while having internal conversations of self-interest within my mind - fearing to take self-responsibility and surrendering to the guru to take responsibility in my behalf .

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take self-responsibility as a mother to my kids - and instead left them in the care of their aunt and their father while i migrated to Australia - and justifying that by giving up, with the backchat:

'i do not have any means to support my kids, i cannot do this on my own'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give up - fearing taking responsibility for my kids' - and justifying that,  saying to myself,  ' i have to survive'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to surrender and rely on my guru to take responsibility for me - rather than me taking self-responsibility for me within self-interest and having the backchat, 'I will just meditate and hopefully Baba ( the guru) will help me make money and then i will get them and we will all live a happy life' - chosing the easy way out -  fearing suffering, difficulty and sadness

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Commitment to Correction

I commit myself to when and as i see myself fearing pain, suffering and sadness - i stop and breathe - and change my starting point - to instead of fearing all of that - redefine the words, release the separation from the words and the charge i gave them - both positive and negative - through writing, self-forgiveness and self corrective application - and use the words as equal to my expression 

I commit myself to when and as i see myself imagining that i am a spiritually elevated personality - i stop - i breathe - to instead of imagining that - assist myself to see the commonsense that i am made of the same substance all are made of - equal to all that is here - to  through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application open up the fear that is driving the desire  - and correct myself in my living application.

I commit myself to when and as i see myself justifying giving up - saying that, 'i need to survive' - i stop - i breathe - and assist to establish a world that truly honors life based on equality as i cannot blame the system - i am the creator and the created. I can only take self-responsibility.



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