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Sunday, December 16, 2012

The Mathematics of 'Falling In Love': Part 1 Boyfriend Day 209 DSS: Word Alone Redefined



In my last blog, i looked at 'my fear of mathematics' and how instead of looking at that fear and learning mathematics, ' i desired having a relationship with DSS' because he's good at Math as 'the easy way out' . I' fell into the mind trap' rather than look at being intimate with self first and then having an agreement with another as me.

 I touched on the thought dimension of 'fear of being alone' - which is the 'alone'  personality  in that blog. In this blog, i am looking at the imagination dimension of this personality - which 'i tried to run away from' - as a way to take self-responsibility to face my fear.

I decided to write about the mathematics of  'falling in love' as i am equalizing with the word 'mathematics' and looking at who i am within 'relationships'. 

I am writing about the imagination dimension - imagining having a 'good relationship' with DSS when i was in high school - seeing that wanting a relationship comes from my 'fear of being alone'.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself 'as fear of being alone' 

to imagine a picture of me being very happy

in the future in a relationship with DSS

when i saw him in high school

not realizing that this is me running away from me 'as fear of being alone'

Commitment To Correction

I commit myself to when and as i see myself

 imagining myself having a happy relationship

with someone 

within 'fear of being alone'

I stop 

I breathe

I realized i cannot run away from my fear 

as who i have become as the mind 

running away from my 'fear of being alone'

 looking for the 'moreness of me'

in wanting/desiring a relationship to not face my fear

So i am assisting myself to bring myself here

 stomp my feet 

clap once

and stabilize me as breath

slow myself down

breathe in - pause - breathe out - pause

look at the fear

look at the mind values i am giving the body/physical which are not real 

redefine the word alone and use it as equal to my spoken and written

'From' thinking i am A LONE-ly individual separate from all that is here

'who needs to have a relationship with others' separate from me
'who needs to have a relationship with DSS' to 'not feel alone'
 running away from looking at my fear

'To' birthing me here as A-ll as ONE as this one Life seeing all as me

to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective living 
 assist me to look at who i have become 
 as the mind as 'my within' and look at how i created this world system of inequality
as 'my without' which i created ALONE
 taking responsibility for all parts of me as life
birthing me here in equality and oneness with/as Life

The Mathematics of Giving Mind Values Vs Giving Value Equal to Life


I realized 
 i saw a potential of me surviving as a character/personality 
in a relationship with DSS


 i 'felt that he has the qualities i like in a man that will ensure my survival as a personality/character'
where i equated the following with mind values:

Intelligence = good at mathematics = +10

Sexy Man = Naughty  but has an innocent look = desire to have sexual interaction with him = +10
Money =  possibility of landing a good job if we get married + his dad and mom has money = +10 
Family = my family know his family   = +10 
Looks handsome = in the future we will have good looking kids = +10

DSS =  Boyfriend material = i will pursue a relationship with him = +50

rather than looking at

 who i am 

establishing a real relationship with the physical/body

being intimate with/as myself 

and seeing DSS as 

 equal to who i am

 as the body/physical/substance

I looked at him through my mind's eyes

and gave his looks etc. mind values


as i made those values up within my mind

an alternate reality as an alternate version of me
instead of giving him a value equal to who i am as equal to = Life

realizing that the human's body/physical = Life
realizing that the body of nature = Life
realizing that the body of plants = Life
realizing that the body of animals = Life

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